Overview
This is a complementary guide sent to all UNSC personnel accepted as UNSC flamethrower specialists, commonly known as ‘Hellbringers’.Yes, this is a very serious guide.(It’s not.)
Introduction
Hello and welcome to this official UNSC guide for all Hellbringer personnel.
This guide have been developed by the brightest minds and most cunning tacticians of the UNSC with help from rehabilitated criminals close-quarter weapon experts and specialists.
After reading this guide you will officially be ready to begin your training as a Hellbringer with the United Nations Space Command ground & navy forces.
Please note that the UNSC does not take responsibility for any self-inflicted injuries that may occur during training.
Stop thinking with your butt.
How to Hellbringer
How to Hellbringer:
This section of the guide will teach you the essentials of being a Hellbringer. It is highly recommended that you take each and every word of the coming segment to heart as it will surely be the decisive factor when it comes to matters of life and death.
True Hellbringers live entirely by these words and even incorporate them into their civilian life.
Step 1 – Suit Up
Pictured: A UNSC Hellbringer showing the Covenant the meaning of BBQ.
One of the key elements of being a Hellbringer is your suit. It’s not just a suit but an extension of yourself. Without it you’re just another nutjob playing with matches in the dark alleyway next to your ex’s apartment.
The Hellbringer suit is designed to protect you from the fire. Without it you would not be able to embrace your task as easily.
Your suit is your second skin, your home, your magical turban (and so forth). Keep it on at all times.
If possible, live in it. Nothing can hurt you in there. Nothing.
Step 2 – Be Merciful
Pictured: The only thing you should ever see while out in the field.
While fire and the excrutiating pain and immense heat that comes with are absolutely lovely raw elements of nature itself it is your job, as a Hellbringer, to make sure that everyone gets the same amount of fiery death.
No one wants to play with fire for two long, especially not the damn ‘innies and Covies.
Step 3 – Quality Control & Efficiency
Pictured: Roasted Covenant, extra fried.
Fire is not a element which is easy to take control of. That is why efficiency on the job as well as regular quality control are very important.
A Hellbringer should always remember the saying “1-LE, 2-TL” which means “one minute long enough – two minutes to long”.
Make sure to spread the flame evenly, otherwise you might end up with a lifelong nemesis who have severe burn marks on one half of his or her body. Nasty stuff.
If possible it’s always smart to spew some extra fuel on your target. Turns ’em nice and crispy. Mmmmm.
5 Facts about Hellbringers
While you contemplate wether or not this is actually a serious guide or not (maybe even suicide while you’re at it), please take your time to review these 5 COOL FACTS ABOUT HELLBRINGERS!
1. Hellbringers are heroes! While one could argue that say, the Spartans, may be the true heroes of the UNSC this is actually wrong. That’s right. It’s the New Mombasa Police Department. The rest of you are all worthless.
2. Hellbringers got cool suits! Forget about basic infantry plate armor or the powered MJOLNIR-suit; the Hellbringer suit is way cooler!
3. Hellbringers are always ready to party! As a Hellbringer you’re always ready for a good party. Not only can your tank and flamer be used to shoot water (or beer) at people, but you’ll also find yourself welcomed to any local BBQ events!
4. Fire beats everything! Nothing can withstand fire, much less the unholy creatures of the Covenant. It doesn’t matter if you have to melt them inside their own armor first: no living being can survive your flamethrower.
5. Playing with fire is badass! Dragons and other fire-breathing creatures are badass. That must mean you’re badass as well! Right? Yes, YOU are badass!
Congratulations!
Congratulations soldier, you’re now ready to take the next step in becoming a UNSC Hellbringer!
It’s been a true honor providing you with the right material for you to be ready for your new mission(s); no matter how far away they are from Earth.
May the Force be with you.
Author’s Thanks & Credits
Thank you for reading this guide. As always I appreciate any kind words, praise or general criticism and I hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Credits:
Hellbringer Artwork – Unknown artists from Ensemble Studios (RIP)
Fried chicken image – NY Times (yes)
Fire image – Local pyromaniac?
UNSC Logo – United Nations Space Command (actually Bungie)
UNSC Propaganda – Stacalkas[stacalkas.deviantart.com]
Thanks to…
My friend Seboostie, who inspired me to write this guide after convincing me that fire is “really cool and stuff also good for killing aliens”.
My mother, for being a pain in the ass. Love ya mom.
My cat, for waking me up in the middle of the night.
Last but not least I’d like to thank the homeless guy down at the mall for no particular reason. Hang in there buddy.