Overview
Are you a piece of crap who wants to become popular by utilizing the fnaf series and it’s lore? Well this is the guide for you!
Introduction:
Are you a worthless piece of ♥♥♥♥ with no redeemable talents? Are you familar with the lore of the fnaf series because Game Theory said so? Do you wish to become popular by exploiting a game that gets way too much attention already?
If so, this is the guide for you!
Follow these simple steps and you’ll be milking this series like a prized heifer in no time!
Without further ado, let’s get started!
The Golden Rule Of Fnaf Milking:
Don’t be original:
Never forget this rule. Any hint of an original idea coming from your brain will atom bomb your career as a fnaf milker. Remember: Original ideas are pointless, and dumb. Just like you. So, bottom line, don’t be original.
Now I know you’re all thinking: “But Skinny Ginger Kid, how are we supposed to milk the fnaf series without having any ideas.”
Simple, you don’t. Just steal other people’s ideas! Remember, ideas take time, thought, and a brain! And we don’t have any time for any of that crap! If you need a cool fnaf fan theory, or a list of your favorite facts from the series, just steal them from some reddit user. They won’t mind! While on the topic of pro unoriginality, as a fnaf milker, stay away from any other content on your career. Are you good at game design, music making, or enjoy another game? Well ♥♥♥♥ those, because fnaf is your life now! Remember, anything not fnaf is unorignal.
With the golden rule out of the way, let’s learn how to become a smik-I mean… Fnaf Milker!
Step 1:
Create a Youtube Channel
Before you do any juicy milking, you have to find a way for ♥♥♥♥-I mean.. people to see your content. Youtube is by far the best option for what you need. Why Youtube? Because, a large settlement of untalented scum have already paved the way for a worthless pleb like you to make it big in fnaf milking! Look at channels like 8-Bit Gaming, Smike, and Razzbowski! Look how succesful they are! Fear not my friend, for that will be you some day. But first, you need a channel.
The name of your channel is very important, it needs to reflect your inability to create something original. So, I reccomend you name it after a character from the game! Just so you don’t have to endure the hard task of thinking, here’s a small list of possible names right here:
- Foxy The Pirate Fox
- Freddy Fazbear
- Golden Bonnie
- Balloon Boy
- Shadow Freddy
- Golden Foxy
- Mechanical Chica
- Demon Purple Guy
- Godzilla Tank Falafel Freddy
- Waffle Battleaxe Darude Destroyer Chica
- xX_Unfathomable Optimus Decapodian King Fu Detergent MLG 720 Freddy_Xx
- xX_ DEMON AWPERHAND DESTROYER MUSCLE NINJA SUCKING WAFFLE IRON SEIGE 420BLAZEIT MAXIMUM PUNISHMENT FOXY THE PIRATE FOX_Xx
Assuming you’ve chosen a channel name from above (meaning you chose foxy), you’re ready for the next part! This one’s a fun one, it’s choosing a channel picture/logo. For this one, be a little creative (Not too much though) Find a picture that matches the character you used for your channel name. The picture can be a lot of things.
Just use some crappy gmod picture, or rule 34 of your character (And make sure you steal it from someone else)
And with that, your channel is complete! Now we can get to the real fun of fnaf milking:
Step 2:
Prepare yourself
Stop. Take a deep breath. Before you go into the very delicate art of fnaf milking, you must deprive yourself of all motivation, skill, and talent. Meditate for half an hour, and concentrate on removing all of those awful things you once had. Once you think you are ready, read on with this guide. I will give you my best.
Step 3:
Creating Fnaf Theories:
HERE COMES THE FUN PART!!!!!!!!
You’ve got your channel, you’ve got the fnaf lore, you’ve got the audience, you’ve got the reddit users to copy, and you’ve got the brain of Tara Reid after falling down seven flghts of stairs. Let’s get milking.
The best way to become a famous milker, is theories. Theories are like crack to fnaf fans. They spend hours reading up on ♥♥♥♥♥♥ theories to try to piece together the story to a fictional game that no one will know about in five years. It’s your job to exploit that. To make a theory video, just steal some theory from a reddit user, and claim it’s your own. Some examples:
“What if balloon boy saw the killer?”
Perfect! No evidence, and completely nonexistent reasoning! That’s a prefect theory to advocate!
“What if bonnie is the killer?”
Great! Probably took no time to come up with that one!
“Hey look! Balloon boy almost has something in his mouth!…ALMOST!”
Now that’s what we want! That’ll get people hyped for fnaf 4!
If you ever can’t find any interesting theories, just pull some crap out of your ass and make up one!
“What if foxy is actually the killer?”
“What if Bonnie is green?”
“What if purple guy is chica?”
Throw in some stupid reasoning for your theory, and you’ve got a script for a completely original theory that hasn’t been done before at all!
But.. You still need to make it into a video.
This part’s easy. Just recite your reasoning into your microphone, talking as slow as possible, so your videos are longer. After all, the longer the video, the better. Right? As for editing, it’s even easier! Can you edit videos very well and put genuine effort into editing? If you answered no, give yourself a pat on the back! If you answered yes, then you’ve got a lot to learn. Take your sony vegas and throw it out of the window, because we’re using the best form of video editing:
SLOW ZOOMS
THAT’S RIGHT, SLOW ZOOMS BABY
To compensate for your lack of talent, just have a static image in the background and use a zoom effect. When that’s over, do it again. And again. And again. After all, this is the best way to edit your video! No effort needed! Videos don’t need to have effort, right?
As for the image, just have some image from the search results from “five night’s at freddy’s” Hell, you can even just steal some actually good fanart, and put it in the background of your video. Just remember that the picture you put must be related to the topic at hand. In this case, some foxy furry porn. (Picture not shown so you don’t gouge your eyes out with a salad fork)
Remember, if anyone critiscizes you for putting no effort into your editing, just tell them you worked really, REALLY hard on it. That’ll convince them!
So, put your reddit stealing, slow zoom, and commentary skills to the test and make yourself a couple of theories! Meet you in step 4!
Step 4:
Creating Top 10 lists:
Once you’ve got some theories made, it’s time for some top 10 videos! Everybody likes top 10 videos, which is why we’re going to make some! Remember: You can never have too many top 10s. As a milker, it’s your duty to milk the fnaf universe dry of information. You can do a top 10 on literally any aspect of the game! It’s easy!
Once you have a top 10 topic chosen, it’s time to get some facts. Just go to the fnaf wiki page, and copy down the facts they have! Or, you can just state something really obvious as a fact! Easy as pie!
You should be left with something like this:
Top 10 facts about Chica:
10: Chica is yellow
9: Chica is a chicken
8: Chica is located at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza
7: Chica is a character in fnaf 1-3
6: Chica is an animatronic
5: Chica has multiple rows of teeth
4: Chica appears on the right in most games
3: Chica is made of metal
2: Chica is a girl
1: Chica loves Markipoo
No…..Just…No.
Anyway, once you have your list, just take the theory approach. That’s right! Slow zoom over static images! Be sure to make as many top 10’s as possible, as they generate tons of views. Others could include:
Top 10 facts about the phone guy
Top 10 facts about the paper plate dude
Top 10 facts about the office
Top 10 facts about the show stage
Top 10 facts about the fan
Top 10 facts about floor tile #14 in the main hall camera
You get the drill. Rapid fire these top 10’s for maximum popularity.
Step 5:
Gameplay:
Assuming you’ve followed steps 1-4, you know have a ton of views and subs! But, that’s not enough… you need more. What better way to do it than doing a lets play of the 3 fnaf games! Because you need to prove that you’re a TRUE fnaf fan.
To do a succesful let’s play, just play throught the game normally. Say basically nothing for the durarion of the game, just yell and scream as loud as you can at the jumpscares, because they’re the most terrifying thing in existence. Amnesia’s got nothing on those.
Rinse and repeat the process of overreacting to jumpscares, and you’ve got a playthrough with a million views. Hooray!!
But.. let’s take it one step further.. WITH GMOD!! That’s right, no fnaf milking is complete without playing gmod with fnaf ragdolls. Because ragdolls are so hilarious.
All you have to do, is gather a bunch of friends to play gmod. Then, you must download every single fnaf resource for the game, for maximum milking potential. All you have to do then is mess around with fnaf ragdolls for half an hour while screaming and making obnoxious voices for the duration of the time. It worked for SkyDoesMinecraft, so it should work here? Right?
Step 6:
Reflect your life choices:
Just take a moment to realize what a worthless pile of excrement you truly are. You could be spending your life playing an instrunment, learning a language, traveling, or pursung your life goals to become better in your life. But instead, your editing slow zooms into static images, blabbing about Springtrap or something. Take a moment to let that fact sink in.
Conclusion
Well done fnaf milker! If you’ve followed steps 1-6 correctly, you should have millions of ten year olds at your ankles, begging you to make “FNAF Gmod part 56”.
Congratulations, because you are now an official fnaf milker! I salute you with an endoskeleton arm!
Hopefully this guide helped you in some way. I hope it helped you reach some form of success or another. Leave me a comment on my profile if this guide helped you milk the everloving christ out of the fnaf series!
Have fun milking fnaf!!!!
UPDATE, 5 MONTHS LATER:
Wow. I did not excpect this. Not only did you guys eat this guide up, but it’s escalated to the homepage of the fnaf 3 community hub. I legit spat water all over my keyboard when I saw my guide displayed on the dang homepage. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it though. Some things in this guide I thought I didn’t explain well, or didn’t go into depth on.
Before I get into this, this is serious ginger talking. When I do things like steam reviews and guides, I become insane ginger. Insane ginger is gone now. I want to make it completely clear that this guide was coming from a place of hyperbole, exaggeration, and fun. This guide wasn’t meant to be taken very seriously, just make people laugh.
I still stand by my opinion though, I don’t like how FNAF, a good game, is (or was) treated like a bandwagon and something people exploited for their own gain. I want to emphasize that I have absolutely no problems toward Scott Cawthon. As much as people love to point fingers at him for spawning this atrocious community, it’s not his fault. He just made a game, and people did what they did with it.
The part I really want to adress in this guide is the elephant in the room, the one that I’ve been called out for so many times. That being Smike, and all the other youtubers I mentioned negatively. Like I said, I’m a person of extreme hyperbole and sarcasm. I hardly mean anything I say whole heartedly. I will say this though, I don’t like Smike’s, Razzbowski’s, 8-bit Gaming’s, Dawko’s, or Game Theory’s channels. Notice I say “channels” and not “them.” I’m sure Smike is a good person in real life, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like his channel.
People have said I’m just mindlessly complaining, and hating on these channels. No. I could have just said “Smike sucks penis and is super gay lelelel, fnaf sucks, scott cawthon sucks, and matpat is a butthole.” but I didn’t. Even though I wasn’t very serious, I still brought up legitamate reasons and elaborated on them. I don’t like Smike’s videos. They list obvious facts, take no time to edit, are poorly made, and use stolen fan art. I don’t want Smike to die in a hole or anyhting, I just simply don’t like his channel. And if you disagree, just write your own guide on how Smike is awesome or something. Or you can just call me a f*ggot, that’s okay too I guess.
In conclusion, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the support and upvotes you’ve given me through all these months. I just wanted to clear some things that this guide has ignited, and give a more serious look on this guide. Take care, and may you your soul be mine.
~Sincerely, a scrawny ginger.