Overview
YOU! WORTHLESS SACK OF MEAT! YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU! YOU WANT TO PWN SOME NOOBS AND HAVE ALL THE VAJAYJAYS YOU COULD DREAM OF?! WELL IT’S TIME TO MAN UP AND PLAY CLUNK, CHICKEN LIVER!
INTRO
CLUNK IS THE MANLIEST CHARACTER IN AWESOMENAUTS. SKOLLDIR IS SCUM AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. READING THIS GUIDE IS YOUR FIRST STEP TOWARDS MANHOOD AND HAVING YOUR BALLS DROPPED. EVEN IF YOU’RE A WOMAN.
FOR BEST EFFECT, MAKE SURE YOU PLAY THAT VIDEO TO THE LEFT WHILE READING. THIS IS WHAT BEING A MAN SOUNDS LIKE.
(Psst! This guide is an april fool’s joke! Don’t take anything written here too seriously.)
WHY CLUNK IS OP
SINCE DAY 1, CLUNK WAS THE MOST MANLY, OP, IMBA, NERFNAO AWEOSMENAUT IN THE GAME. TRUE MEN DON’T CHANGE AND EVEN AFTER A SERIES OF UPDATES, CLUNK REMAINS THE MANLIEST CHARACTER FOR MEN IN THE GAME.
HEALTH: TOO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MUCH.
DAMAGE: SO OP HE WILL WRECK YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE TEAM IN A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BLINK.
ROLE: OP, GOD, TANK.
SPEED: ALL THAT OP MAKES HIM MOVE SLOWLY.
- DID I MENTION HE’S OP?
- SO MUCH HEALTH THAT ENABLING GODMODE IS CONSIDERED A HANDICAP.
- MANLIEST, BESTEST KILLING SPREE MUSIC IN THE GAME. IF YOU AREN’T LISTENING TO IT RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG, MAGGOT.
- SQUASHES SQUISHIES LIKE SASQUATCH IN A SQUASH GAME.
- SO OP YOU’LL BE CALLED A HACKER.
- ALL THAT OP IS SO OP YOU HAVE TO MOVE SLOWLY SO PEOPLE WON’T RAGEQUIT AS SOON AS THEY SEE YOU.
1. MISSILES (LEFT CLICK): ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MISSILES THAT EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE. BASTARDS THAT CAN GROW IN DAMAGE AND TRACK YOU DOWN AS YOU RUN LIKE THE LITTLE WUSS YOU WERE BEFORE READING THIS GUIDE. THEY TAKE A WHILE TO LAUNCH BECAUSE THEY’RE MISSILES.
3. EXPLODE: WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU, KILLS EVERYONE AROUND YOU. WHAT DOES KILL YOU, WILL KILL EVERYONE AROUND YOU ANYWAY. IT’S A WIN-WIN-OMFG-SO-OP SITUATION.
4. JET BOOST (JUMP): IT’S A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ JETPACK. WHAT IS THERE TO EXPLAIN?!
RECIPES OF DESTRUCTION
IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER WHAT ITEMS YOU PICK DURING PRE-GAME BECAUSE CLUNK IS ACTUALLY GOD IN A METALLIC SUIT OF AWESOME. IF YOU STILL NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD YOUR HAND EVEN WHILE PLAYING GOD, HERE ARE SOME RECIPES YOU CAN USE TO COOK YOUR ENEMIES UP AND EAT.
EXPLODE: REACTOR COOLER, UNIVERSAL CHARGER, THERMONUCLEAR CLEANER (YOU HAVE ENOUGH HP ANYWAY, BLOW THOSE BASTARDS AWAY EVERY CHANCE YOU GET)
MISSILES: SALVO VALUE PACK, FREE FLIGHT FINS, FRAGMENTING SHELLS (IF YOU’RE A LITTLE BOY AND STILL DON’T HAVE THE VALUE PACK, GET MISSILE BARRAGE AND FAT PETE ALONG WITH FREE FLIGHT FINS)
JET BOOST: POWER PILLS, POWER PILLS TURBO, SPACE AIR MAX (SOME MIGHT TELL YOU TO GET AN EASY MONEY ITEM. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE GETS EASY MONEY? PROSTITUTES)
PROS:
- MORE HP THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.
- YOU CAN TANK EVERYTHING. FOREVER.
- EXPLODE TO KILL. THEY DIDN’T DIE? EXPLODE AGAIN.
- USEFUL WHEN YOUR TEAM IS NOT COMPOSED OF AT-LEAST TWO MORE CLUNKS.
CONS:
- TO MAKE SURE YOUR TEAM WILL NOT WHINE LIKE THE LITTLE BABIES THEY ARE FOR NOT PICKING CLUNK, YOU WILL HAVE TO TANK THEM AND YOU MAY MISS OUT ON SOME KILLS. MAKE SURE NOT TO MISS OUT ON KILLS WHENEVER POSSIBLE THOUGH, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER IN THE GAME.
EXPLODE: BLUEPRINTS CONTAINER, TITANIUM HARDHAT, GREASE LIGHTNING SNAIL (HOW TO DIE BY CLUNK, PART TWO: PANIC AND SPAM ATTACKS ON CLUNK, DIE BECAUSE YOU JUST MADE HIS EXPLODE OP. IDIOT.)
MISSILES: SALVO VALUE PACK, FREE FLIGHT FINS, FRAGMENTING SHELLS (IF YOU’RE A LITTLE BOY AND STILL DON’T HAVE THE VALUE PACK, GET MISSILE BARRAGE AND FAT PETE ALONG WITH FREE FLIGHT FINS)
JET BOOST: PIGGY BANK, SOLAR TREE, SPACE AIR MAX (SOME MIGHT TELL YOU TO GET AN EASY HP ITEM. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE GETS EASY HP? FAT PROSTITUTES)
- MORE DAMAGE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.
- YOU CAN KILL EVERYTHING. FOREVER.
- LOW ON HP? SLAP YOURSELF BECAUSE IT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN AS CLUNK, AND THEN BITE SOMETHING TO REGAIN HEALTH. CRITTERS WILL GIVE YOU A MAX OF 84HP BACK. IF YOU NEED MORE THAN THAT, YOU’RE PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD.
- USEFUL WHEN YOUR TEAM IS COMPOSED OF WANNABE CLUNKS LIKE SKOLLDIR OR DERPL AND WHEN YOU HAVE VOLTAR HELPING YOU BUTTRAPE EVERYONE.
- TRY NOT TO BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW. AS OP AS YOU ARE, YOU CAN DIE IF YOU PLAY LIKE A ♥♥♥♥.
HOW TO WIN AS CLUNK
SO NOW THAT YOU ARE INGAME, IT’S TIME TO SEEK AND DESTROY. AND WRECK. AND ANNIHILATE.
REMEMBER: DUB STEP!
1. DROP DOWN: FIND A NICE, ELEVATED PLATFORM FOR YOU TO DROP DOWN FROM. AI STATION 404’S CENTER IS A GOOD EXAMPLE.
2. UBERCHARGE: WHILE DROPPING DOWN, ARM YOUR EXPLOSION. TIME IT RIGHT AND THEY WON’T HAVE A CHANCE TO ESCAPE. IF YOU CAN SNARE WITH YOUR BITE, YOUR CAN DELAY YOUR EXPLOSION A BIT.
3. BITE: TIME YOUR BITE WITH YOUR EXPLOSION TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE KILL.
4. SHOOT: MASH THAT LEFT MOUSE BUTTON TILL WHATEVER POOR SOUL IN-FRONT OF YOU IS DEAD.
5. TAUNT: TAUNT AFTER KILLING. TAUNT AFTER DYING (LOL AS IF). TAUNT AFTER KILLING CRITTERS. TAUNTING IS THE BEST WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS IN THIS GAME. YOU WILL GAIN THE RESPECT OF YOUR PEERS AND WILL BE KNOWN AS THE BESTEST CLUNK EVER.
6. ENJOY: THE SWEET SOUND OF VICTORY AND THE PRAISES YOU RECEIVE FOR BEING SUCH A FANTASTIC, MANLY MAN.
7. POSITION YOURSELF AGAIN: REPEAT THE VICIOUS CYCLE.
MATCH-UPS
FROGGY G, LONESTAR, LEON, VOLTAR, RAELYNN, SKOLDERP, DERPL, 8008135, GNAW, OP COCOON.
THEY ARE ALL SCUM, AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. MOVE IN AND DESTROY. IF YOU FAIL, IT’S YOUR TEAM’S FAULT (THOSE NOOBS).
YURI, VINNIE AND BISCUIT.
THESE TWO ARE ALSO SCUM, BUT CAN FLY AND RUN AWAY LIKE CHICKENS. OR MONKEYS. OR BLOWFISH. IF YOU MANAGE TO PIN THEM DOWN, THEY’RE DEAD. IF NOT, IT’S YOUR TEAM’S FAULT (OMFG UNINSTALL THE GAME).
CLUNK
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN ALL POWERFUL ENTITY FIGHTS AGAINST AN ALL POWERFUL ENTITY?
END OF AWESOME
YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THIS GUIDE. CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR OFFICIAL CERTIFICATE OF MANHOOD IS LOCATED ON THE DESK TO YOUR RIGHT, NEXT TO THE STEEL PLATES YOU CAN USE TO COVER YOUR BRAND NEW GENITALS WITH.
IF YOU ENJOYED MY GUIDE, GO CHECK OUT MY OTHER GUIDES. THAT’S WHAT REAL MEN DO.