Missable Dialogue [In Progress]

Overview

A collection of all the missable dialogue in the game. Yes, it is as insane a project as it sounds.

Intro & Organization Notes

NOTE: This guide is not finished. After getting regular dialogue I will be going back and getting reactions to powers (punching/shooting/hitting/telekinesis/confusion/pyrokinesis etc.) and bacon conversations with Ford separately. However, if you feel like I’ve missed something that is NOT one of those two, please feel free to leave a note and I’ll see about getting it in!

The What

This is a guide listing all the missable dialogue in Psychonauts 1. I started this because I’m crazy and hate myself. I can’t use Psychonauts 2 as an excuse, as I started this project well before it was announced. This guide also doubles as a cautionary tale: don’t be like me. Don’t waste your life like this.

“Missable” means the dialogue satisfies BOTH of two requirements: one, running into the dialogue is not a required part of following the main plot, and two, the dialogue or scene in question is not one of the cinematic cutscenes – that is, minimizing the game will automatically pause the game. So, in fact, several pieces of dialogue won’t be “missable,” per se. I’m writing it all down anyways.

No datamining. No hacks. Just programmed-in cheats and determination, baby.

As best as I’m able to, I’ll be transcribing text exactly how it appears in the subtitles, typos and poor grammar and all.

IF YOU FEEL I HAVE MISSED SOMETHING, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! If you can, please also note when and where the dialogue I’m missing appears, so that I can check it out and confirm it for myself. Thank you!

The How

All dialogue will be organized in sections by time frame and individually by how the dialogue is triggered. Each dialogue tree will have a note listing where and when it can be triggered, specifically. I will be doing my best to group conversations logically (ie, the order the characters would be encountered in a natural playthrough).

An asterisk (*) will indicate pressing the “use” button, an ampersand (&) will indicate that a cutscene will automatically trigger when you approach someone. A tilde (~) indicates that dialogue is overheard while standing near the persons, without interacting with them. Braces ({ }) will indicate that anything written inside is a note from me, and not an actual line of dialogue.

Dialogue is broken based on when a new text box is made in the subtitles, even if the same character speaks multiple times in a row.

Have fun!

[1/2] Before Basic Braining

~ Crystal and Vernon, if you keep up with them.
CRYSTAL: I love Coach Oleander! He’s so nice and he knows everything!
VERNON: I heard this one time a kid was late and Coach Oleander held him upside down until he turned blue but the kid had just drank a six pack of soda so when the coach shook him up, he exploded.

* Vernon, before he enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
VERNON: Don’t want to be late. Coach has anger management issues.

* Elton, before he enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
ELTON: Basic Braining! I told you!

* Clem, before he enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
CLEM: Woo-hoo! I just love to run!

* Crystal, before she enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
CRYSTAL: I can’t wait to get to class!

& Chops and JT.
CHOPS: So you’re dating Elka now. Does that mean we won’t hang out as much?
JT: Shoot, I reckon things t’ain’t gonna change much. Doggone it pardner, no woman’s ever gonna —
ELKA: HEY! You’re gonna make my boyfriend late for class.
ELKA: Come on, James. Come. On.

* Chops, before he enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
CHOPS: I don’t wanna get a bad seat.

* Elka, before she enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
ELKA: Um, some of us care about our education?

*JT, before he enters the clubhouse.
RAZ: Hi. What’s the rush?
JT: Well, you know what they say about slow-rollin’ tumbleweeds —
ELKA: No time for chit-chat James. We’re late for class!

& Dogen.
DOGEN: I’m telling you for the last time, no!
DOGEN: I would never do that! I could never…
DOGEN: Kill everyone.
DOGEN: Oh. Hi Raz.
RAZ: Squirrel trouble?
DOGEN: They’re liars is all. Whatever they tell you, it’s a lie.
RAZ: I’ll take your word for it.
RAZ: You going to class?
DOGEN: Yeah. I’ll meet you up there. As soon as I get these guys to shut up.

* Dogen, after prior exchange but before the squirrels blow up.
RAZ: You going to class?
DOGEN: Yeah. I’ll meet you up there. As soon as I get these guys to shut up.

~ Dogen, after his first cutscene, but before the squirrels blow up.
DOGEN: Shut up!
DOGEN: I am not!
DOGEN: I wouldn’t!
DOGEN: I’m not going to do that!
DOGEN: You squirrels think you’re so smart!
DOGEN: Ooooh! I’m so cool. I’m a squirrel.
DOGEN: Well you know what we call you? Rats with wings!
DOGEN: Well, then we call you something else. Nut rats!
DOGEN: And what’s that supposed to mean?
DOGEN: It’s a special hat, and you should be glad I’m wearing it!
DOGEN: No!
DOGEN: Never!
DOGEN: I do too understand what you’re saying, and I don’t appreciate it!
DOGEN: You guys are making me so mad!

* Dogen, after the squirrels explode.
RAZ: Hey, what happened to the squirrels?
DOGEN: They lied! They lied…and then – then – then they – they left.

~ Phoebe and Quentin. Talking to them before this plays out prevents the rest of it from playing.
PHOEBE: Uhhg! That has got to be the worst band name I have ever heard in the history of ever, of all time, ever!
QUENTIN: And by “worst,” did you possibly mean “the best”? Cuz that’s what I was thinking.
PHOEBE: No, I mean worst, as in I can’t even believe we’re friends it’s so bad.
QUENTIN: Look deep within your heart, Phoebe, and I believe even you will find “The Levitators” is pretty much the dopest name a band could have.
PHOEBE: “The Levitators”? Are we some sort of cover band that only plays graduation ceremonies for motivational seminars?
QUENTIN: Look, I’ve been practicing, and I think I could levitate us both during our gigs. For real now.
PHOEBE: No way. Last year, you dropped me and I broke my drums!
QUENTIN: Hey, at least those got fixed. I’ll never get back those records you melted with that unplanned pyrotechnics display of yours.
PHOEBE: Look, you know when I have a good solo going, sometimes things get hot. I can’t help it. And it’d seem like part of the show if we named the band the right thing…
QUENTIN: Oh, not this again.
PHOEBE: Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen!
QUENTEN: Please…
PHOEBE: Would you please welcome…
QUENTIN: No…
PHOEBE: THE FIRESTARTERS!
QUENTIN: Oh, man.
PHOEBE: Raaaaa!
QUENTIN: If we’re gonna call it that, we might as well call it “Burning Itch.”
PHOEBE: What? OOoooh. Rrrrr! –sets several bugs on fire-
QUENTIN: Hey, how’s everybody tonight? You feelin’ Itchy? I said, YOU FEELIN’ ITCHY?
PHOEBE: Watch it Quentin.
QUENTIN: Or what. You’ll burn me? You know you can’t burn me. You got a block. That’s why we’re friends.
PHOEBE: Aw you’re right…
QUENTIN: That’s why we’re in a band together.
PHOEBE: Yeah…
QUENTIN: And why we should call our band The Levitators!
PHOEBE: Did you say Heavy Taters? Cuz that’s what I heard.
QUENTIN: Levitators!

~ Phoebe and Quentin, after prior dialogue plays out and/or after you talk to them.
PHOEBE: Firestarters!
QUENTIN: Levitators!

* Phoebe or Quentin, first interaction.
RAZ: The Whispering Rockers!
PHOEBE: Uh, what?
RAZ: That’s my band name idea!
RAZ: Hey, why aren’t you guys in Coach Oleander’s class?
PHOEBE: Are you kidding? A kid got killed in that class last year.
QUENTIN: I heard it was a bunch of kids, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Well, I heard it was a bunch of blind kids, and Coach threw ‘em off a cliff.
QUENTIN: Yeah…because they were late for class.
PHOEBE: You’d better hurry, kid! Now, where were we, Quentin?

* Phoebe or Quentin, after first interaction.
RAZ: Want another band name idea?
PHOEBE: No, the last one was too good.
QUENTIN: Yeah, if you give us another we’ll just have to fight about which one of yours was better.
PHOEBE: Where were we? Oh yeah…

& Mikhail.
MIKHAIL: You, new boy. Seen bear lurking in woods?
RAZ: Nope.
MIKHAIL: Positive? Giant, hairless bear?
RAZ: Ehm, nope.
MIKHAIL: In Russia, bears much smaller.
MIKHAIL: Also more hair. Less lurking. Always eager to wrestle.
MIKHAIL: This one hide and run.
RAZ: I’ll let you know if I see anything.
MIKHAIL: Cannot lurk forever, bear.

* Mikhail.
RAZ: I’ll let you know if I see anything.
MIKHAIL: Cannot lurk forever, bear.
MIKHAIL: Mikhail will find you.

~ Chloe, via the speakers throughout camp. Does not play when standing near Chloe.
CHLOE: Calling any sentient being in the galaxy Polarissima Australis.
CHLOE: Come in Polarissima Australis.
CHLOE: Can anybody hear me?
CHLOE: I would like to speak to whatever cosmic entity has been sending me these voices to my head since I was a kid.
CHLOE: And visit that entity if possible.
CHLOE: I am receiving your messages, but they’re too faint to make out.
CHLOE: I am designing a spaceplane to meet you in orbit.
CHLOE: Spaceplane design still rough.
CHLOE: Test flights indicate that full-size version will not survive launch, resulting in medium to large nuclear explosion.
CHLOE: You may have to meet me planetside.
CHLOE: Please respond.
CHLOE: Polarissima Australis, are you reading me?
CHLOE: I’ve been imprisoned in a camp for suspected extra-terrestrials.
CHLOE: Am trapped with misfit earth children.
CHLOE: Please send help.
CHLOE: Inhabitants of other galaxies, you are also invited to respond.
CHLOE: So if you live in Zwicky’s Triplet or Fath 703 or anywhere, do not hesitate to initiate rescue procedures.
CHLOE: I await your arrival.
CHLOE: This message will repeat in ten seconds.

[2/2] Before Basic Braining

* Nils, first interaction.
RAZ: You know that cabin is empty, right?
NILS: Duh. I’m practicing for tonight, when it’s gonna be full o’ LADIES.
RAZ: That kind of thing takes practice?
NILS: Um, excuse me, but my parents let me watch R-rated movies, so I think I know a little bit more about this than you do, okay?

* Nils, after first interaction.
RAZ: Hey watch out! Someone’s coming!
NILS: Tell ‘em to find their own hole!

~ Nils.
NILS: Hmmm.
NILS: (Sigh.)
NILS: Grrrr.
NILS: Ahh! Can’t see anything.
NILS: Stupid lame peephole.
NILS: I am definitely going to need audio.

* Lili, first interaction. (Subsequent interactions play the “in a trance” dialogue.)
LILI: Why don’t you take a picture. It’ll last longer.
RAZ: Whoops. Sorry.

* Chloe, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Chloe. What’re you doing?
CHLOE: The coach uses this to broadcast his thoughts across the camp. I think I can tune it to reach my people in space.

* Chloe, second interaction.
RAZ: Whoa. How does it work?
CHLOE: I don’t have time to explain the technology to you.

* Chloe, third interaction and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, uh, Chloe?
CHLOE: Go away, Raz, I’m working.

* Any of the campers currently in a trance, except Lili, on her first interaction.
RAZ: They seem to all be in a trance while they project themselves into the coach’s psyche.
RAZ: Which is awesome.

& J!Ford.
J!FORD: Nuh-uh!
J!FORD: The rest of camp is off-limits until you have a Basic Braining Merit Badge.
J!FORD: Now, git!

* Oleander, if you refuse.
OLEANDER: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather run around a bit more in the sunshine first?
RAZ: Well, maybe I will explore a bit more before. Just so I’m prepared for class.
OLEANDER: No hurry, no hurry. Enjoy your childhood before it’s ripped away from you, son.

Basic Braining

~ Oleander, before you punch the wall.
OLEANDER: I said pop me!
OLEANDER: Let’s go!
OLEANDER: You! Navy boy! Chicken of the sea. C’mon, let’s go!
OLEANDER: You’re not gonna get another chance like this. I guarantee it.
OLEANDER: Come on!
OLEANDER: Right on the chin.
OLEANDER: Do it!
OLEANDER: How ‘bout you, new kid?

* Elton.
RAZ: You going to punch him?
ELTON: No way! You do it!

~ Oleander, after you punch the wall.
OLEANDER: Ah! That’s what I’m talking about!
OLEANDER: Let’s GO GO GO!!

~ Oleander, random lines throughout the level. Plays in random order.
OLEANDER: Move! Move! Move!
OLEANDER: LESS WAITING, MORE MOTIVATING!
OLEANDER: Dang, my BOWELS move more than you do, pokey!
OLEANDER: It’s game day, kid!
OLEANDER: Mentalis Uber Alles!
OLEANDER: You’re like molasses goin’ uphill in January – with crutches.
OLEANDER: Onward and upward, soldier!
OLEANDER: You’ll have plenty of time to stand around when you’re dead!

~ Oleander, after his figment cutscene.
OLEANDER: Come on!
OLEANDER: Get that figment!
OLEANDER: Be a figgy piggy!
OLEANDER: Who’s coach’s little piggy?
OLEANDER: Oink! Oink! Oink!

~ Oleander, after his emotional baggage tag cutscene.
OLEANDER: Unless you’d rather just drop and give me 20 right now!

~ Oleander, when you approach the first ladder.
OLEANDER: You hit that ladder hard, son!
OLEANDER: Show it who’s boss!

~ Oleander, when you have to slide down the ladder with fire.
OLEANDER: Watch out! Fire down below!

* Lili, after the cutscene regarding the meat plant.
RAZ: Come on. One nightmare.
LILI: Nope.

~ Oleander, as you shimmy.
OLEANDER: Is your name Joey?
RAZ: No!
OLEANDER: Cuz I’m gonna call ya “Slowey Joey.”
RAZ: That’s not my name.
OLEANDER: What was that, Slowey?
OLEANDER: I can’t hear ya! Yer talkin’ too slow!
OLEANDER: Ha ha ha!

~ Oleander, as you approach the wall with netting.
OLEANDER: Now that kinda wall you can climb it up, down, sideways, whatever way you want.
OLEANDER: Just get on it!
OLEANDER: Quick! Like a monkey!

~ Benny, as you climb. (He’s exploded at the end).
BENNY: Hey, slow down, new kid.
BENNY: If you pass me or Bobby you’ll make us look bad, and Bobby will pound you deaf.
BENNY: BOBBY CAN YOU HEAR ME??? WHERE ARE YOU??
BENNY: Don’t leave me alone out here Bobby! I’m frightened! I’m frightened!

~ Oleander, as you approach the mine field.
OLEANDER: Watch those mines, kid.
OLEANDER: They’ll blow you up like a ten-cent Kazoo.

* Dogen, if you refuse to help.
RAZ: Hey, Dogen. What’s wrong?
DOGEN: I keep blowing up.
RAZ: Well, good luck with that! Bye!
DOGEN: Mmm-kay.

* Dogen, if you agree to help.
RAZ: Hey, Dogen. What’s wrong?
DOGEN: I keep blowing up.
RAZ: Follow me! I’ll help you get through the mines!
DOGEN: Mmm-kay.

* Dogen, while he’s following you.
RAZ: Follow me! I’ll help you through the mines!
DOGEN: Mmm-kay.

~ Dogen, at random intervals when he is following you.
DOGEN: I can’t do it! I can’t do it!

* Dogen, while freaking out.
RAZ: Yes, you can, Dogen! Just follow me!
DOGEN: Mmm-kay.

& Dogen, when he clears the minefield.
DOGEN: Look! Raz! I didn’t explode at all!
RAZ: Good hustle out there.
DOGEN: Hey, umm, this is for helping me out!
DOGEN: Kay. Bye.

* Dogen, after he clears the minefield.
DOGEN: Bye.

~ Oleander, after you enter the plane.
OLEANDER: The plane’s going down soldier! Hit that door and GERONIMO!!!
RAZ: Hey, no one told me to pack a chute.
OLEANDER: Did Washington have a chute when he crossed the Delaware???
OLEANDER: Just jump, sissy!

~ Vernon, after Oleander’s prior dialogue.
VERNON: Well, I guess we’re all going to die.
VERNON: My whole life is flashing before my eyes.
VERNON: My first memory is of my dog, Lady.
VERNON: Lady and I used to go for long walks.
VERNON: They would go on and on and on and on.
VERNON: This one time, we went on a walk we called “The Longest Walk of all Time.” First, we went to the end of our street.

* Vernon, after prior dialogue. Plays in random order.
VERNON: And then we walked three miles.
VERNON: And then we turned a deep left.
VERNON: And then Lady had to stop and scratch.
VERNON: And then we walked half a mile.
VERNON: And then we turned a soft right.
VERNON: And then we stopped and asked for directions.
VERNON: And then we had a snack.
VERNON: And then we made a u-turn.
VERNON: And then we just stood still for a while.
VERNON: And then we turned right.
VERNON: And then I fell down a manhole, and had to reset my own arm back in the socket.
VERNON: And then we got lost for a while.
VERNON: And then we took a side road.
VERNON: And then we walked two miles.
VERNON: And then we turned left.
VERNON: And then we got attacked by bees.
VERNON: And then I bent down to tie my shoe.
VERNON: And then Lady saw a gopher.
VERNON: And then Lady had to go to the bathroom.
VERNON: And then we walked four miles.

* Vernon.
RAZ: Is there, like, a climax to this story?
VERNON: Didn’t I mention the gopher yet?
VERNON: Thought I hit that. Okay, let me start over. First, we went to the end of our street.

~ Vernon, after you punch the plane’s door.
VERNON: And then I gave Lady a bone.

~ Crystal and Clem. Plays in random order.
CRYSTAL: Punch punchie punch-punch!
CLEM: Yay, Raz!
CRYSTAL: Punch, Raz, punch!
CLEM: Punch, Raz, punch!
CRYSTAL: Yay, Raz!
CLEM: Punch punch punch!
CRYSTAL: PUNCHPUNCHPUNCH!
CRYSTAL: Punnnnnnnch! Hurray!
CLEM: Punch punchie punch-punch!
CLEM: Punnnnnnnch! Hurray!
CLEM: PUNCHPUNCHPUNCH!

* Crystal and Clem.
RAZ: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
CRYSTAL: We’ll never give up on you, Raz!
CLEM: Yeah! We’re gonna keep cheering you ‘til you win!
CRYSTAL: Yay!

~ Oleander, after you punch the start button.
OLEANDER: You score enough points on this course, kid, and I’ll give you a reward!

& Crystal and Clem, if you lose.
CLEM: Awwww.
CRYSTAL: Hey, it’s okay!
CLEM: I’m sure you’ll get it, if you try again.
CRYSTAL: Yeah!

~ Crystal and Clem, after you lose but before you try again.
CRYSTAL: Try again!
CLEM: Try again! Try again! Try again! Try again! Try again! Try again! Hahaha!

~ Oleander, after you win.
OLEANDER: Hey, good job, soldier.
OLEANDER: Now here’s your reward.
{He explodes Crystal and Clem}
OLEANDER: HAHAHA.

~ Oleander, after you open the first memory vault.
OLEANDER: Ah, good. You enjoy that. One of my favorites.

* The bunnies.
RAZ: Run bunny!

~ Oleander, about the poles you can swing on.
OLEANDER: You can grab poles like that and swing on ‘em.
OLEANDER: It’s all about upper body strength, you know.
OLEANDER: Hrrrrrr.

~ Bobby, as he goes down the rail.
BOBBY: Ha ha ha!

~ Oleander, as you approach the rail.
OLEANDER: Hey, kid! I think I see a silver dollar a bit out there on that rail. Why don’t you walk out there and pick it up?

~ Oleander, after you get on the rail.
OLEANDER: Ha! Sucker! See you at the bottom!

~ Bobby, when you meet him at the bottom of the rail.
BOBBY: End of the line, sucka!

~ Bobby, if you let him knock you off.
RAZ: Ugh!
BOBBY: Ha ha ha!

* Bobby, if you punch him off.
BOBBY: Oof!
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh. Eh, eh, eheh!
{Raz does the victory dance.}

~ Raz, upon entering the end room.
RAZ: Hello!
RAZ: Hello?
RAZ: Guess I’m early.

[1/5] After Basic Braining

* Oleander, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, did you hear that Coach?
RAZ: I’m gonna get advanced training from Sasha Nein himself!
OLEANDER: Hey, hey! You stay away from that egghead, you hear me?
RAZ: Egghead? Permission to speak freely, sir.
OLEANDER: Denied! Listen, private, those scientific jokers, they don’t really know what it means to be a Psychonaut. It’s about being in the field, not cooped up in some underground lab all day!
RAZ: It’s underground? Ah ha!
OLEANDER: Don’t even think it! That Brain Tumbler contraption of his will turn your mind to mush! I need that brain!
OLEANDER: I mean, YOU need that brain.
OLEANDER: Now, dismissed soldier. I’ve got some serious thinking to do. Lots of important planning!

* Oleander, second interaction.
RAZ: What kind of planning?
OLEANDER: Huh? What?
RAZ: What kind of planning are you doing there? In your sleep?
OLEANDER: Hey, never assume a soldier is sleeping just because his eyes are closed.
OLEANDER: Trust me. That tip could save your life someday.
RAZ: But —
OLEANDER: DISMISSED!

* Oleander, third interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, will you teach me Telekinesis?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, fourth interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, what rank do I have to earn before I learn Clairvoyance?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, fifth interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, what’s that radio do?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, sixth interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, how do I burn stuff?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, seventh interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, hypothetical question: do you guys teach head explosion?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, eighth interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, what did you do before you were a head coach?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, ninth interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Coach, what’s Milla Vodello really like?
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

* Oleander, tenth interaction. (Subsequent interactions play interactions 3-10 in random order.)
RAZ: Hey, Coach, in a life or death battle between Sasha Nein, and a great white shark, where the shark could see the future, and Sasha was blindfolded, who do you think –
OLEANDER: I told you, private! I’ve got a lot of scheming to do here. You’re dismissed!

~ Oleander, via the speakers throughout camp. Does not play when standing near Oleander.
OLEANDER: (…mumble…)
OLEANDER: (…mumble…)
OLEANDER: (…mumble…)
OLEANDER: (…mumble…)
OLEANDER: (…mumble…)
OLEANDER: Charge!
OLEANDER: …C rations…
OLEANDER: …Short? Who you calling short?…
OLEANDER: …Aw… Little bunnies…
OLEANDER: …Not with my troop!
OLEANDER: …Get up soldier! Walk it off!
OLEANDER: …Got to find…the eggs…
OLEANDER: …Careful with the eggs…
OLEANDER: …Go Easter bunny…
OLEANDER: …Be careful on the way home…
OLEANDER: …Don’t drop the eggs, under the water…
OLEANDER: …Give the eggs to you know who…
OLEANDER: …Can’t decorate a cracked egg!
OLEANDER: …Good bunny…
OLEANDER: …When we…
OLEANDER: …Put those eggs in their holders…
OLEANDER: …Then they’ll see. They’ll all see…
OLEANDER: …See how pretty my eggs are.
OLEANDER: …Little baby bunny. Run little bunny! Run!
OLEANDER: …Papa! No!
OLEANDER: …Noooooo…
OLEANDER: …Ohhhh Papa…
OLEANDER: …Ohhh, Mr. Bunny!
OLEANDER: …When my eggs break…
OLEANDER: …They’ll spread all over the world…
OLEANDER: …Sunny side up…
OLEANDER: …Haha…
OLEANDER: …Heh-heh…
OLEANDER: …hmmm…

& Vernon, Elka, Milka, and Dogen.
VERNON: Okay. I’m gonna close my eyes, right? And then I’m gonna start to count to a hundred. Ok? And then you guys hide. Everybody got it?
ELKA: It’s hide-and-seek, Vernon, not hide-and-calculus. We’ve all got it.
DOGEN: I got it. You start counting and then I go and hide in that bush.
VERNON: Great! One…
-Milka turns invisible-
ELKA: Milka, you’re a genius. Come on, Dogen.
VERNON: Hold on! This reminds me of a story. It’s about counting. Hello?
VERNON: Man, you guys are good.

* Vernon, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey Vernon, what’s up?
VERNON: I’m hunting the most dangerous prey of all.
VERNON: MAN.

* Vernon, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Any luck finding those guys, Vernon?
VERNON: Nope, not yet.

~ Nils.
NILS: This is going to be sweet.
NILS: Man, I can see EVERYTHING.
NILS: Hmmm.
NILS: Grrrr.
NILS: (Sigh.)
NILS: Oh, YEAH.

* Nils, first interaction.
RAZ: You know, a nutcracker might be faster.
NILS: Tonight, when this baby is full of fine ladies, I’m going to see EVERYTHING.
RAZ: How are you gonna fill that nut with ladies?
NILS: No, dude. The girls’ cabin. I’ve got a man on the inside.
RAZ: I get it! You’re using Clairvoyance! You grabbed one of the squirrel’s nuts and now you’re using Clairvoyance on it to form a mental link and see what the squirrel sees!
NILS: Um, could you say “acorns” instead of “nuts” if you repeat that to anybody else?
RAZ: Teach me how to do that!
NILS: Hey, I paid a LITTLE bit of attention in class, but not THAT much.
NILS: What you need is an expert in Clairvoyance, where I am merely an expert in the ladies.

* Nils, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Come on! Teach me Clairvoyance.
NILS: Go find an expert! I have no idea how I’m doing this.

[2/5] After Basic Braining

AKA The Phoebe and Quentin Variety Show. All dialogue lines are in the order they say them.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Hey, why are you stopping?
QUENTIN: Oh, I thought you stopped.
PHOEBE: No, no, no, no let’s go!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Sorry, sorry, sorry, my bad.
QUENTIN: Not to worry, my bro. Let’s just pick it up from where I do that thing.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Do over.
PHOEBE: Two, three, four!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Hey, Phoebe, can I ask you a question?
PHOEBE: What?
QUENTIN: Have you ever had a weird nightmare about a bathtub?
PHOEBE: Is this a joke set up?
QUENTIN: Uh…Never mind. Forget I said anything.
PHOEBE: Good, cuz if you tell one more drummer joke I’ll plant this stick in your eye.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Yeah, baby!
PHOEBE: Ung!
QUENTIN: Ask not for who the cowbell ROCKS.
PHOEBE: The cowbell rocks for thee!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Wait. Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Stop.
QUENTIN: Oh, man. Is it me? Am I off again?
PHOEBE: No. Foot cramp. Ow. Hold on.
PHOEBE: Uhh, okay. Let’s go.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: You know what?
PHOEBE: You hated that part?
QUENTIN: Hmm, it’s like you’re reading my mind.
QUENTIN: Hey, you’re not, are you…you’re not supposed to –
PHOEBE: Relax! There’s nothing in there I don’t already know.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Whoa. That was good.
PHOEBE: It’s like we’re the best band ever.
QUENTIN: I think it’s actually quite likely. I feel bad for other bands.
PHOEBE: I know! We’re hot! Let’s do that again.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Hey, how can you tell there’s a drummer at the door?
PHOEBE: I dunno. How?
QUENTIN: The knocking speeds up.
PHOEBE: Oh, shut up. I did that on purpose. It’s a jazz thing, duh.
QUENTIN: Uh-huh.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Hmm. No, that’s still wrong.
QUENTIN: Okay, let’s do it like we did before lunch.
PHOEBE: K.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Okay, that was the worst ever.
PHOEBE: God, why do we suck so bad?
QUENTIN: Hm.
QUENTIN: Well wait. Maybe we’re really GOOD, but we’re playing in a genre of music that hasn’t been invented yet, so it just sounds wrong.
PHOEBE: Whoa. We’re so ahead of our time.
QUENTIN: Yeah…
PHOEBE: All right then!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Aahhhhhh! I suck!!
QUENTIN: No way, you’re the best. That was good.
PHOEBE: I messed up.
QUENTIN: No, no, it sounded good, it sounded…true, you know?
PHOEBE: Don’t patronize me, Hedgemouse.
QUENTIN: You gotta get back on that horse, Phoebe.
QUENTIN: Get back on that horse and hit it, and kick it, and bash it, and ring its bell!
PHOEBE: That’s not how you treat horses!
QUENTIN: Well, which are you? A drummer? Or a horse lover?
PHOEBE: Forget it! Let’s play again! Anything beats talking to you!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Hey, Q? Uh, that last part?
QUENTIN: Yeah?
PHOEBE: Well, the thing is, see…my dog can scratch better than that.
QUENTIN: Okay, first of all, the last time I heard that joke, I fell off my grandma’s solar-powered dinosaur and broke my metric buggy whip.
QUENTIN: Second of all, you know my dog died this winter so it’s not nice of you to make fun of it.
PHOEBE: I said MY dog.
QUENTIN: Oh, so your dog’s better than my dog?
PHOEBE: No, I – what?
QUENTIN: That’s it! I quit the band!
PHOEBE: What?!?!
QUENTIN: Come on. Let’s play “Band fight.” Just for a bit?
PHOEBE: Oh, not that again. No!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Hey, do you think Kitty likes me?
PHOEBE: Quentin, EVERYBODY likes you. Can we just play?
QUENTIN: No, I mean LIKES me likes me. In the way that you like…burning stuff.
PHOEBE: Hey, that’s an unhealthy compulsion. I can’t help myself with that!
QUENTIN: Yeah, that’s what I mean. Do you think she has an unhealthy compulsion about me?
PHOEBE: No. Can we play?
QUENTIN: Okay, well, think about it. I’m going to ask you again later.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Well, I think we nailed it. Wanna lay off for the day?
PHOEBE: Sure…if you think it’s ready to play in front of people.
PHOEBE: Like, uh…Kitty, for example?
QUENTIN: Okay, one more time!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Okay, wait, wait, wait. I have to ask now because this has been bugging me for a while.
QUENTIN: Shoot, bro.
PHOEBE: Kitty? Really Quentin?
QUENTIN: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Kitty Bubai.
QUENTIN: Yeah.
PHOEBE: I mean, she’s cool and all, but I didn’t think that was your type.
QUENTIN: Well, I mean, I guess I feel ya on that one? But I can’t explain it.
QUENTIN: It’s like she has some sort of spell over me.
PHOEBE: Uh-oh.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Hey! I like that!
QUENTIN: Dang. That was an accident.
PHOEBE: Oh.
QUENTIN: Hang on. Let me see if I can do it again.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Wait. Are you off key?
PHOEBE: Quentin, they’re drums.
QUENTIN: Hm. Maybe it’s me then. How do you tune these things?
PHOEBE: (Sigh) Dude.

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Dude, that was so dope what you did just then.
PHOEBE: Don’t stop! I’m on a roll!
PHOEBE: DRUM SOLO!!!
QUENTIN: Yeah! You go girl!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
PHOEBE: Take it, Hedgemouse!
QUENTIN: Heh.
PHOEBE: Woooo-hoooo!

~ Phoebe and Quentin.
QUENTIN: Oh, you know what would be good?
PHOEBE: What?
QUENTIN: Like if we stopped right there –
PHOEBE: Like we just did?
QUENTIN: Yeah, but what if right when we stopped, I went “woo-hoo!”
QUENTIN: Like that.
QUENTIN: Woo-hoo!
QUENTIN: You know like Woo-hoo!
PHOEBE: Quentin…
QUENTIN: Alright! Alright! Hey, you’re the boss.
PHOEBE: Quentin, come on.
QUENTIN: You’re the boss!
PHOEBE: I’m just saying that –
QUENTIN: LET’S DO IT YOUR WAY BOSS LADY THAT’S FINE!

* Quentin, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, you guys are good.
QUENTIN: Thanks, man. Hey, do you have a lighter? Cuz if you lit it and held it up right now, that would be rad.
PHOEBE: And completely insensitive to me and my issues.
QUENTIN: Oh, right! Right! Uh, never mind. I forgot about the whole “fire bad” thing for a moment.

* Quentin, second interaction.
RAZ: Drum solo! Wooo!
QUENTIN: You heard the man.

* Quentin, third interaction.
RAZ: Hey, what’s the name of the band?
PHOEBE: The Firestarters.
QUENTIN: The Levitators.
QUENTIN: Let’s not fight in front of the fans, okay?
PHOEBE: Let’s not.

* Quentin, all subesquent interactions.
RAZ: Drum solo! Wooo!
QUENTIN: You heard the man.

* Phoebe.
RAZ: Drum solo! Wooo!
QUENTIN: You heard the man.

[3/5] After Basic Braining

* Chef!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me –
C!FORD: I told you them burgers ain’t ready!!!
RAZ: Uh, no you didn’t.
C!FORD: The coals ain’t hot! They’re not gonna be done for a while. Maybe a week.
RAZ: A week?
C!FORD: They’re backordered. I’m the only one back here! These things take time.
RAZ: I don’t even want a hamburger!
C!FORD: Oh, well why didn’t you say so?
C!FORD: So what DO you want?

* C!Ford, after you shop.
RAZ: That’s it for now.
C!FORD: Alright. Go get more arrowheads and come on back.
C!FORD: Support your local merchants!

* C!Ford, when buying from him.
RAZ: Hey, where’s my hamburger?
C!FORD: Grrr! I told you –
RAZ: Just kidding! I just wanna buy stuff.
C!FORD: Don’t push me, Sonny. I can reach you with this spatula.

* Mikhail
RAZ: I’ll let you know if I see anything.
MIKHAIL: Cannot lurk forever, bear.
MIKHAIL: Mikhail will find you.

* Lili, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Lili. Do you know where Sasha Nein’s secret lab is?
LILI: Secret? It’s printed on your map, duh.
RAZ: Oh, I knew that. I was just curious if YOU knew where Sasha Nein’s lab was.
RAZ: Because I do.
LILI: Uh-huh.

* Lili, second interaction.
LILI: Look at those two. Who’d even want a stupid friendship bracelet?
RAZ: I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind one.
LILI: Yeah, well…that’s…stupid!

* Lili, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Want to measure my wrist? Just in case.
LILI: Mm, no.

* Kitty or Franke, first interaction.
RAZ: Whatcha doin’ there?
KITTY: We’re making friendship bracelets. You know, for our “friends.”

* Kitty or Franke, second interaction.
RAZ: Hey, is that my name on that one?
KITTY: Not unless your name is Franke. Or Kitty.

* Kitty or Franke, third interaction.
RAZ: Oh, I guess I saw an “R” and…and an “A”…
KITTY: What’s your name again, kid? Spaz?

* Kitty or Franke, fourth interaction.
RAZ: My name’s Raz.
KITTY: Well, Spaz, why don’t you go bother someone else.

* Kitty or Franke, fifth interaction.
RAZ: Can I ask you guys a question?
KITTY: Ummmm…hmmmm…no.

* Kitty or Franke, sixth interaction.
RAZ: Where’d you get your clothes? Because my sister, she’s kind of fat and she always has so much trouble finding good stuff.
KITTY: WHAT?
RAZ: I said, do you know where Sasha’s secret lab is?
FRANKE: Why don’t you go talk to someone who likes you, and leave us alone?

* Kitty or Franke, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Where’d you get your clothes? Because my sister, she’s kind of fat and she always has so much trouble finding good stuff.
KITTY: WHAT?

& Crystal and Clem.
CRYSTAL: Hey, it’s the king of the obstacle course!
CLEM: Hey, Raz! You’re awesome! You must be a Psychonaut by now!
CRYSTAL: Yeah! Or even a Double Psychonaut!
RAZ: Ha! Oh no. Not yet. But soon!
RAZ: Wow. Those two are so nice!
{The two start pouring out poison.}

* Crystal or Clem, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, what are you guys doing up here?
CRYSTAL: Uh…
CLEM: Writing cheers!
CRYSTAL: Oh yeah! Writing cheers! Wanna hear one?
RAZ: Uh, okay!
CLEM: Ready? Okay!
CLEM: When I grow up…
CRYSTAL: Hey what you gonna be?
CLEM: I’m gonna be the best, just like my main homey!
CRYSTAL: And when you say homey, whose horn might you be tootin’?
CLEM: The mind-readin’ psycho-thrilla!
CRYSTAL: Oh you must mean Razputin!
CLEM: Yeah! Woo! Go Raz! Woo-hoo!

* Crystal or Clem, second intraction.
RAZ: How ‘bout another cheer?
CRYSTAL: Okay! You start Clem!
CLEM: You know Raz is the coolest!
CRYSTAL: The master psychic duelist!
CLEM: Bad guys try to snuff him!
CRYSTAL: So he beats ‘em like a puffin!
CLEM: YEAH RAZ! WOO-HOO!
CRYSTAL: Oh god. That’s so bad. I’m sorry. Puffin? What was I thinking??
CLEM: Hey hey, Crystal. It’s okay.
CRYSTAL: No, I’m so stupid! So stupid! Waaa!
CLEM: I think that’s all the cheers for now, okay Raz?
RAZ: Yeah, hey, sorry.

* Crystal or Clem, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: I don’t think I want any more cheers.

~ Elton, before interacting with him.
ELTON: What?
ELTON: What’s that?
ELTON: I can barely hear you.
ELTON: But… That doesn’t make any sense…
ELTON: What are you talking about?
ELTON: That’s crazy.
ELTON: No fish is that big.
ELTON: No regular fish anyway.
ELTON: Hey, did it have enormous, glowing eyes by any chance?
ELTON: And did it have a prehensile lure that it uses to attract and snare its prey?
ELTON: How about flipper claws? Did it have any flipper claws?
ELTON: No…
ELTON: Yes…
ELTON: Yes, I know it’s murky down there.
ELTON: Uh, I know.
ELTON: I’m just asking…
ELTON: I’m just trying to find out…
ELTON: Look who is this?
ELTON: I’m trying to talk to that first guy.
ELTON: Where’d that other guy go?
ELTON: Ghost town? There’s no ghost town around here.
ELTON: What are you guys talking about?
ELTON: Hey, shut up. She’s not my girlfriend!
ELTON: No, we’re just good friends.
ELTON: I mean, if something were to happen later…oh, you know…whatever.
ELTON: Shut up! You fish are gross!
ELTON: That’s not even technically accurate, because humans don’t, “spawn.”
ELTON: Ick.
ELTON: Can we get back to that weird monster fish please?

~ Elton, after prior dialogue has played through. Loops.
ELTON: Uh huh.
ELTON: Hmmm.
ELTON: I see.
ELTON: Whoa.
ELTON: Really?
ELTON: You’re kidding me.
ELTON: Tell me everything.
ELTON: What else?
ELTON: Man.
ELTON: Holy mackerel! Oh, sorry. Not you.

* Elton, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey are you psychic fishing? I’ve read about that…
ELTON: Oh, I could never fish. That would be terrible!
ELTON: Regular people can be mean to fish, I guess.
ELTON: But I can’t.
ELTON: I can hear everything the little guys are thinking!
RAZ: Fish think? About what?
ELTON: Well, normally, not much. But today they’re all kind of freaked.
ELTON: They’re scared of somethin’ in the lake.
RAZ: Me too, now that I know that it’s full of freaked-out, thinking fish.
ELTON: There’s something big and scary out there, Raz.
ELTON: I wonder…could the old legends be true?

* Elton, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: What’re you doing?
ELTON: Shhhh! I’m trying to hear them talk!

[4/5] After Basic Braining

* Admiral!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Mr. Cruller. Can I take out a canoe?
A!FORD: Mr. Who?
A!FORD: You WILL call me Admiral, son. And no, you can’t charter a vessel.
A!FORD: Not without an Oarsman’s Badge!

* A!Ford, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Excuse me, Admiral?
A!FORD: Eh?
RAZ: Where can I get an Oarsman’s Badge? I’d really like to take out a canoe.
A!FORD: Gotta get it from one of the official camp counsellors. I can’t have just anybody in my fleet.

~ Bobby and Benny, plays in random order.
BENNY: So funny!
BOBBY: Ha ha ha!
BENNY: Ha ha ha!
BOBBY: Look at him squirm!
BENNY: You’ve got the best ideas, Bobby!
BENNY: Good one, Bobby!
BOBBY: That’s the funniest thing I ever saw!
BOBBY: Think you’re better than us cuz you can swim?
BOBBY: I think I’m going to puke that’s so funny!
BOBBY: Stupid fish!
BENNY: Man, do I hate fish!
BENNY: Yeah, stupid fish!

~ Bobby, first when the fish escapes and then when he brings it back up again.
BOBBY: Oh, no you don’t!
BOBBY: Oopsy daisy!

* Bobby or Benny, first interaction.
RAZ: What’re you guys doing?
BOBBY: Beat it, new kid.

* Bobby or Benny, second interaction.
RAZ: What’s that round thing up on the dock?
BOBBY: That thing? Oh, man, lemme tell you about that thing. That thing is…none of your stinkin’ business.

* Bobby or Benny, third interaction.
RAZ: Mind if I scoot by?
BOBBY: Not if you mind my fist scooting into your neck.

* When you try to walk past them.
BOBBY: {Shoves Raz.}
RAZ: Hey!

& Janitor!Ford.
J!FORD: Mmm. An eager one. Eager to learn, I wonder? Or just eager to play?
RAZ: Sir, I am here to learn, sir!
J!FORD: You’re here to train hard? Hmmm?
RAZ: Yes sir!
J!FORD: Develop a skill?
RAZ: Yes sir!
J!FORD: To become part of a noble team?
RAZ: Yes –
J!FORD: Yes, to become…
RAZ: Yes.
J!FORD: …a janitor.
RAZ: No. What? I’m here to be a Psychonaut!
J!FORD: Oh, fft.
J!FORD: Oh, the brainy jubjub goes on upstairs.
J!FORD: Down here it’s pushin’ brooms, not bending spoons!
J!FORD: Heh heh!

* Janitor!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Mr. Cruller, do you know where Sasha Nein’s lab is?
J!FORD: What? Huh? Secret underground lab? I don’t have a secret underground lab! That’s hobgoberish!
J!FORD: Now beat it! Git!
J!FORD: Stop staring at my mops!

* Janitor!Ford, second interaction.
RAZ: So, you don’t know where Sasha’s lab is?
J!FORD: I told ya, I ain’t got no secret lab!
J!FORD: Oh, that German fella?
J!FORD: Oh he’s dug in under the GPC over there.

* Janitor!Ford, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Where did you –
J!FORD: Under the GPC! Maybe it’s your ears I should be moppin’!

& JT and Chops.
JT: Hey, you’re that new kid, ain’t ya?
RAZ: Well, I’m doing some advanced training right now as a matter of fact, so I don’t think “New Kid” is really a name that you want to get too used to saying.
CHOPS: Hold on there. You’re not doing Sasha Nein’s advanced training that he does in his secret, underground lab are you?
CHOPS: Hidden deep within the iron walls of the GPC where no one can hear you screaming?
RAZ: Why, yes I am.
JT: Sakes alive!
CHOPS: Well, nice knowing you.

* JT or Chops, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, you guys sound great!
JT: Ha-huh, much obliged, partner.

* JT or Chops, second interaction.
RAZ: That’s really catchy!
CHOPS: Thanks a lot, man.

* JT or Chops, third interaction.
RAZ: You guys are excellent!
JT: Mighty kind of you to say.

* JT or Chops, fourth interaction.
RAZ: Wow. Sweet!
JT: Glad ya like it.

* JT or Chops, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Seriously, you guys really sound good.
JT: Doggone it, Raz, we’re tryin’ to play here!

~ Elka and Dogen.
ELKA: I saw Nils peeking into a hole in the girls’ cabin.
DOGEN: I’m hiding!
ELKA: And I thought, “Oh Nils, when will you peek into the hole in my heart?”
ELKA: Because you’d just see yourself staring back.
DOGEN: Uh huh. What?
ELKA: I mean, he’d see my new boyfriend James staring back. And he’d be furious at Nils.
DOGEN: Who’s Nils?
ELKA: Exactly. And, anyways, there wouldn’t even be a hole, because James fills my heart ‘til sometimes I think it’s gonna explode.
DOGEN: One time, I made someone’s head explode.
ELKA: Okay, maybe there’s still a little hole.
DOGEN: Actually, it happened four times.
ELKA: But James and I have each other now, and Nils is just gonna have to deal with it.
DOGEN: Now they make me wear this special hat so I don’t have any more accidents.
ELKA: Are you even listening to me Dogen?
DOGEN: I hope so.

~ Elka and Dogen, after prior dialogue has played. Plays in random order.
ELKA: Nils!
ELKA: Nils?
ELKA: (…mutter…)
ELKA: (…mutter…)
DOGEN: Huh?
DOGEN: I dunno.
ELKA: Nils…

* Dogen.
RAZ: Hey, Dogen! I got a secret for you.
RAZ: (…whisper-whisper…)
RAZ: …Nils…
RAZ: (…whisper-whisper…)
ELKA: Hey, not fair! Whispering is so rude!
ELKA: What did he tell you, Dogen?

* Elka, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Elka!
ELKA: Hey, butt out!

* Elka, second interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Elka!
ELKA: Hey nosy, how ‘bout pulling your big beak out of our private business?

* Elka, third interaction. Subesequent interactions play all three in random order.
RAZ: Hey, Elka!
ELKA: Why don’t you and your little goggles go poke around in someone else’s private business?

* Chloe, first interaction.
RAZ: That looks like fun.
CHLOE: It’s work. I’m testing a low-orbit spaceplane design.

* Chloe, all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: How’s the testing going?
CHLOE: Not now, Raz.

* Ranger!Ford.
RAZ: Excuse me, Mr. Ranger, but I’m looking for Sasha Nein’s lab?
R!FORD: Well, now even if I knew where it was, and if it were down here, and even if you were very, very close to it right now, you shouldn’t be poking around here!
R!FORD: This forest is off limits!
R!FORD: Now git!

~ Maloof.
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!
MALOOF: Hey!
MALOOF: Is anybody out there?
MALOOF: Let me out!
MALOOF: Helllllp!
MALOOF: Somebody!
MALOOF: There’s no bathroom in here!

~ Maloof, after prior dialogue. Plays in random order.
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!
MALOOF: WAAAAAAH!

* The GPC door. Launches into a cutscene.
RAZ: Hey, who is that?
MALOOF: Raz is that you? It’s me! Maloof!
RAZ: Hang on, buddy. Give me a sec to pop this tin can.

* Oleander, after the cutscene with Lili in the GPC plays.
RAZ: Coach! Out in the woods! I saw –
OLEANDER: Huh? What?
RAZ: Sir! We need to get a containment team in the area, STAT!
RAZ: I’ve spotted a U.P.E.
OLEANDER: A U.P.E.?
RAZ: Yes. An Unregistered Paranormal Entity, possibly aquatic in nature…
OLEANDER: I know what a U.P.E. is, son! I just don’t know how YOU know.
RAZ: From “True Psychic Tales” issue 424, sir!
RAZ: Where Sasha Nein fought that clairvoyant grizzly bear –
OLEANDER: Pah! Comic books.
RAZ: But this thing was real, and huge, a – and it smelled all…smelly!
OLEANDER: Save your fish stories for the boathouse, boy.
OLEANDER Now, DISMISSED!

[5/5] After Basic Braining + Brain Tumbler Experiment 1

& The inside of the GPC.
RAZ: Hmm. Looks like one of the buttons is missing.

* The floor with the missing button.
RAZ: Call me crazy, but I have a weird feeling that the button Sasha gave me goes here.

~ Putting the button on.
RAZ: Heh heh heh.

~ On the floor of Sasha’s Lab.
RAZ: So what are we going to learn? Bending spoons? Burning stuff?

* Sasha, first interation after cutscene.
RAZ: Could you try it first?
SASHA: Step up to the Brain Tumbler when you’re ready.

* Sasha, second interaction.
RAZ: Is this going to hurt?
SASHA: Step up to the Brain Tumbler when you’re ready.

* Sasha, third interaction.
RAZ: Will I get in trouble with Milla? She told me not to take any paranormal training while I’m here.
SASHA: Step up to the Brain Tumbler when you’re ready.

* Sasha, fourth interaction. Loops four in random order after this.
RAZ: Have you tested this thing out on humans yet?
SASHA: Step up to the Brain Tumbler when you’re ready.

Brain Tumbler Experiment 1

& Entering the Collective Unconscious for the first time.
RAZ: Wow. Is this what the inside of my mind looks like?
SASHA: Not yet. You are still travelling through the astral plane.
SASHA: This is a tiny corner of what we call the Collective Unconscious – a place in which all of our unconscious minds are connected.
SASHA: You have just begun your training, Razputin, so many of the connections with other minds are still not developed for you, and those doorways remain just out of reach.
SASHA: But the more you explore the mental world, the more connections you will form.
SASHA: Right now the only unconscious world you can enter is that one.
SASHA: Your own.
SASHA: Step through it and we’ll continue.

~ Approaching the caravan.
RAZ: Sasha, I’m going inside the caravan.
SASHA: What do you see inside?

~ Entering the caravan.
RAZ: I’m not sure. It’s getting fuzzy.

~ Taking a step inside the egg.
RAZ: Uh-oh.
SASHA: What?
RAZ: No, I’ll figure it out.

~ Inside the egg.
SASHA: Razputin, tell me what is happening.
RAZ: Well, I’m kind of stuck in a little, white space.
SASHA: Hm. How little?
RAZ: Really little.
SASHA: Do you feel trapped?
RAZ: No…
SASHA: Confined?
RAZ: No.
SASHA: Smothered like you’re buried alive?
RAZ: No! Aaaack! Get me out of here!
SASHA: Can you find your way out?
RAZ: I can’t see anything.
SASHA: Can you fight your way out?
RAZ: Huh?
SASHA: Strike out with your psychic fist, Razputin, but carefully.
SASHA: Punch your way out, Razputin!
SASHA: Now! Hurry!
SASHA: This test is costing the taxpayers a lot of money!

~ Inside the egg, loops after previous has played.
SASHA: Punch your way out, Razputin!
SASHA: Now! Hurry!

~ Punching the egg.
RAZ: Ah-ha!

~ Waiting after punching the egg.
SASHA: Keep punching Razputin!

[1/2] Before Sasha’s Shooting Gallery

Before Sasha’s Shooting Gallery

& After the experiment.
RAZ: Okay, I’m ready to learn how to really fight!
SASHA: Oh. Really? Hm.
RAZ: What?
SASHA: Uh, nothing. It’s just that I didn’t think you’d really take me up on that offer. It usually scares the kids off.
RAZ: Well, not me. I’m ready to kill for my camp!
SASHA: Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t train you. Agent Vodello would kill me.
RAZ: What’s the big deal? What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
SASHA: You don’t even have a Marksmanship Learner’s Permit. I could lose my job!
RAZ: I’ll get one!
SASHA: Even if you used that secret passage over there and snuck into his sanctuary…
SASHA: Agent Cruller would never give you a Marksmanship Learner’s Permit.
RAZ: Agent Cruller…
SASHA: Never in a million –
RAZ: I’m off! Be right back after I talk with Agent Cruller!

* Sasha, after prior cutscene.
RAZ: Okay, I’m ready to learn how to really fight!
SASHA: Did you convince Agent Cruller to give you a Marksmanship Learner’s Permit yet?
RAZ: Oh…uh…yes. But I left it in my other pants. Be right back.

& Lili, on the ground right outside the GPC domes.
RAZ: Hey, Lili.
LILI: Going for the advanced training? What’s the rush?
RAZ: Are you kidding? I only have a few days to become a Psychonaut or I lose my shot forever!
LILI: Look, Raz, I hate to burst your bubble, but the Psychonauts are not what they used to be.
LILI: Times have changed. The world just doesn’t need us anymore.
RAZ: The world does too need Psychonauts. Right here at this very camp, in fact. I think there are several fishy things that need psychic investigating.
LILI: You are so immature!
LILI: (And cute! When are you gonna just shut up and kiss me?)
RAZ: Shut up and do what?
LILI: Oh. I didn’t know you could—uh, I gotta go. Bye.
LILI: (So embarrassing!)

& Maloof, in the parking lot.
RAZ: Hey Maloof. Um, you want some help getting that off your head?
MALOOF: If I take it off, Bobby might just put something worse on it. Like a dirtier pair of underpants or an animal with teeth.
MALOOF: I’m just gonna wait here until camp’s over and my pop comes back to pick me up.
RAZ: Come on, things can’t be that bad. So you’ve got a jockstrap on your –
MIKHAIL: Fish tied to head. Very clever. Bear investigates, gets wrestled! Will wait in case bear wins.
MALOOF: If any bear shows up, feel free to butt right in. Anyway, it is that bad. First Bobby and Benny locked me in the girls’ shower, then they wouldn’t let me out of the toilet, now they won’t let me in any of the toilets. And in between, there was a lot of punching.
BOBBY: No, then we locked you in the GPC.
MIKHAIL: Maloof forfeits place in bear wrestling line. As repayment for courtesy, bullying now forbidden. All bullies acknowledge, please.
BOBBY: Get bent, commie. I’m gonna take your –
MIKHAIL: Call next move “Deadly Nelson.” When screaming starts, eyeball may pop out of bully head. Standing back suggested.
BOBBY: Okay! I won’t touch him. Jeez.

* Janitor!Cruller.
RAZ: Mr. Cruller?
J!FORD: Ah, so you’re finally ready to begin your janitor training! Hmmm?
RAZ: Um, almost, but as a practice for that…
RAZ: I’m learning some advanced techniques from Sasha Nein right now.
J!FORD: You ever clean out a jailhouse bathroom with nothing but a pair of underwear and three bottles of diet lemonade?
RAZ: Yes.
RAZ: {silence}
RAZ: Maybe.
RAZ: No.
J!FORD: That’s a REAL advanced technique.
J!FORD: You let me know when you’re done with your little zippy-zappy head games and we’ll get ya to some extra mopping. Okay?

* Janitor!Cruller, after prior dialogue has played.
RAZ: I’m learning some advanced techniques from Sasha Nein right now.
J!FORD: You let me know when you’re done with your little zippy-zappy head games and we’ll get ya to some extra mopping. Okay?

* Ranger!Ford.
RAZ: Looks like you got that little patch of dirt pretty well raked.
R!FORD: Shush! I’m lookin’ for my contact lens!

& Ford, entering his sanctuary for the first time.
FORD: Hm. So you finally made it.
RAZ: It’s an honor to finally meet you in person, sir.
RAZ: I thought I recognized you in my dream, but I couldn’t be sure. Now that I see you in your element, there’s no doubt.
RAZ: You’re Ford Cruller.
RAZ: The greatest leader the Psychonauts ever had.
FORD: Well, you shouldn’t believe everything you read in “True Psychic Tales” magazine.

* Talking to Ford.
RAZ: Agent Cruller?
FORD: So, how goes the training?

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: What are you doing here at Whispering Rock?
FORD: This training facility is built right smack on top of the largest Psitanium deposit known to man.
FORD: It runs under this whole valley and makes this a very critical area for the Psychonauts, so I’m here to look after it.
FORD: And to make sure you little spoonbenders don’t kill each other.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: What’s Psitanium?
FORD: Psitanium is a very rare, psychoreactive mineral that crashed here on a meteorite hundreds of years ago.
FORD: It responds to psychic waves. Focuses them, amplifies them.
FORD: It can make psychics more psychic, but it can also make unstable people more unstable. Not everyone can handle that much activity in that part of their brain. It can drive them completely out of their gourd!
FORD: Gives this valley an interesting history.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: I saw you raking leaves. Was that a disguise?
FORD: Er, yes. Well, well, I have many disguises. It helps me keep an eye on you kids wherever you go. Heh heh.
FORD: Now, when I’m in disguise, I may pretend not to recognize you. Don’t blow my cover, okay?
RAZ: Say no more. Your secret identity is safe with me.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: So what mission are you on down here?
FORD: Well, from here I can monitor world events, look for signs of psychic terrorism, ripples in the astral plane…
RAZ: And then fly out and save the day, right? You’ve got a jet hidden here somewhere, I’ll bet.
FORD: Well, these days I’m really just more of a dispatcher. I spot the trouble and send out a…younger agent. Like Milla or Sasha…or maybe you some day.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: What does all this equipment do?
FORD: Well, up here it’s all intel.
FORD: Down that hallway is the observation room. No tests going on in there right now. Check back later.
FORD: And beneath us I have special machines for rebuilding PSI Challenge Markers and detangling Mental Cobwebs.
FORD: You should go familiarize yourself with those. They’ll come in pretty handy for you.

[2/2] Before Sasha’s Shooting Gallery

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: Sasha says I need to learn how to fight better.
FORD: He wants to teach you advanced combat? On your first day?
RAZ: Yeah. I had a vision with a huge monster with yellow eyes and a big mouth full of gnashing teeth…
FORD: Did it happen to…spit anything at you?
RAZ: Yeah. I think it was like an old diving helmet or something.
FORD: I see. Hmm. Yes, well, we’d better get you armed.
RAZ: Why? What’s happening?
FORD: Nothing, nothing. “Prepare Your Mind.” That’s the motto of the Psychonauts. Here.
FORD: This is a Marksmanship Learner’s Permit. It will only work when you’re in Sasha’s mind.
FORD: Once you complete his shooting range, you’ll get the real merit badge and you can PSI Blast anywhere you want.
RAZ: Thanks. PSI Blast?
FORD: Ah, you’ll find out. Now get going. We can’t have the camp overrun with big-eyed, garbage-spitting monsters, can we?
RAZ: No sir!

* Ending the conversation, first time.
RAZ: I’d better go. Lots of work to do.
FORD: Good luck, Razputin!
RAZ: Thanks. I’ll need it!
FORD: Don’t worry. I’ll be right here with you. Inside your head!
RAZ: My head?
FORD: Yep. I want to keep my eye on you, son. So I’m going to be a psychic stowaway inside your noggin!
FORD: If you ever want to make me appear, you can do it with this special device.
RAZ: Is that…a piece of bacon?
FORD: Ohh yeah. I just love bacon. I smell that stuff and I can’t help it! I drop everything and I come running!
RAZ: Okay, do you have, like, a little baggie or something I could put this in?
FORD: You get a move on or I’ll eat that right here!

* Ending the conversation.
RAZ: I’d better go. Lots of work to do.
FORD: Good luck, Razputin!

* Sasha, after getting Marksmanship Learner’s Permit.
RAZ: Okay I got it. Check it out.
SASHA: Excellent.
SASHA: Well my ass is covered.
SASHA: Are you sure you are ready to do this? It could be dangerous.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: Almost. I just have to get my affairs in order first.
RAZ: Just in case I die.
SASHA: Come back when you are ready.

* Dialogue option.
RAZ: Okay. I’m ready to learn how to really fight!
SASHA: Are you sure you are ready to do this? It could be dangerous.
RAZ: Yes! Are you going to pull me into your mind like the Coach did?
SASHA: Ha. No offense, but it’s time you saw what an organized mind looks like.

Sasha’s Shooting Gallery

* Sasha, after opening cutscene.
SASHA: Destroy them all!

* Punch something.
SASHA: Yes, yes. We all know you can punch things.
SASHA: But you’re supposed to be learning how to use your PSI Blast now.
SASHA: Try it without punching.

* Shoot one.
SASHA: Well done, Raz. Keep shooting!

* Shooting in wrong order.
SASHA: Good shooting, Raz, but you are making it harder than it needs to be.
SASHA: You need to practice locking your mental focus.
SASHA: It makes targeting and evasive maneuvers much easier.
SASHA: Let’s try again, this time lock your mental focus.

* Shooting out of order when targeting.
SASHA: Come now. Focus.
SASHA: Try it again.

* Shooting correctly when targeting.
SASHA: Good. Again!

& Sasha, after tutorial.
SASHA: Now then…
SASHA: Is this what you saw in your vision?
RAZ: Um, well, it sure seemed a lot bigger in my head.
SASHA: Ah, problems often seem larger in our heads than they really are. That’s an important lesson to learn.
RAZ: But –
SASHA: This is a censor.
SASHA: An integral part of any sane person’s mind.
SASHA: The censors roam through your psyche, looking for thoughts that don’t belong.
SASHA: Hallucinations, manias, waking dreams – the censors hunt them down and censor them out.
RAZ: Why do they come after me? I’m not a mania!
SASHA: Yes, but you are a foreign entity in my mind. You technically don’t belong here.
RAZ: Yes, but I was attacked in my own head.
SASHA: Yes. Well, the Brain Tumbler could be malfunctioning. Or you could be insane.
SASHA: We’ll test for that later. For now…
SASHA: Blast it!

* The censor switch, while Sasha is still instructing you.
SASHA: Enough horseplay, Razputin. Destroy him!

& Sasha, after shooting the censor.
SASHA: That’s the spirit.
RAZ: I killed it.
SASHA: It was just a thought I was having. And it’s not dead. It has just returned to its basic form – raw psychic energy. Go absorb it. It’s good for your mental health.

* Sasha, after prior.
SASHA: It was just a thought I was having. And it’s not dead. It has just returned to its basic form – raw psychic energy. Go absorb it. It’s good for your mental health.

& After absorbing health.
SASHA: As you absorb this energy, your mental health increases.
SASHA: But as you PSI Blast, you expend your will to do damage.
SASHA: So be on the lookout for these small, dense clusters of raw psychic aggression.
SASHA: Absorb these as well to make sure you always have enough firepower.
SASHA: Now I’ll leave the machine on for you, so you can practice. You have to blast 1000 censors to earn your Marksmanship Merit Badge.
SASHA: Come back every day for practice, and you should have enough in as little as three weeks!
RAZ: Three weeks? I only have a few days to earn ALL my merit badges and become a Psychonaut!
SASHA: Slow and steady wins the race, my eager young friend. Now practice. Slowly and carefully.
RAZ: Oh man…

~ Raz, at level one.
RAZ: This is gonna take forever. I wonder if I can speed it up somehow.
RAZ: I wonder what would happen if I turned that dial up.

~ Raz, levels 2-5.
RAZ: Hm. They’re coming out faster but still not fast enough.

~ Raz, level 6.
RAZ: Hm. Still not fast enough!

& Popup after killing 100 censors.
PSYCHONAUTS: DAILY MAXIMUM REACHED for this Censor output setting. Please increase Censor output setting if more Censors are desired.

& Sasha, after cutscene.
SASHA: Razputin, see those valves? That is where the censors are leaking out.
SASHA: PSI Blast the valves to shut them down and get this area under control!

& Sasha, after finishing first face.
SASHA: Good, well you got them all.

& Sasha, after second face opens.
SASHA: Oh, no. You close one leak down and another springs up!
SASHA: Well come on. We’ve got to take care of these too!

& After finishing last face.
RAZ: That’s it! I’ve completely blocked off all of Sasha’s censor outlets! I can’t wait to tell him.

~ Sasha, when censor stamps.
SASHA: Ahhhhh!
SASHA: Ach!
SASHA: Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!
SASHA: Razputin!
SASHA: Oooh-ooh-oooh!
SASHA: Peel me off and put me down!
SASHA: Enough!
SASHA: Oof!
SASHA: Uggg!
SASHA: Ow!
SASHA: Gahhhh!

~ Raz, if you wait long enough.
RAZ: Those little censors are re-energizing the big one somehow.
RAZ: I need to stop whatever’s shooting out these censors!

& Get stamped during the first part of the boss fight.
SASHA: Enough horseplay, Razputin! Destroy him!
SASHA: The small censors are feeding into his strength. You must stop them!
SASHA: Destroy the valves that are emitting the small censors, Razputin!
SASHA: Raz! Shoot the valves! It’s no use shooting the monster until you’ve destroyed every valve!
SASHA: Don’t forget to use your mental focus to lock on the valves as a target, and then blast them!
SASHA: Say, Razputin. Do you think you could reach into my pocket and hand me my cigarettes?

& Get stamped during the second part of the boss fight.
SASHA: Excellent! You’ve shut down the valves so he cannot be rejuvenated. Now destroy him!
SASHA: Use your mental focus Razputin! It will help you shoot accurately, and will also help you with your evasive maneuvers!
SASHA: When focused, you can tumble to the side, avoid his stamp, and circle around behind the monster!
SASHA: Watch out for those tumbling boils he’s throwing at you. They’re full of censors!
SASHA: You can kill many small censors in one blow, if you jump up in the air above them and smash the ground with your psychic fist.
SASHA: Oh, you. What a pleasant surprise.
SASHA: Enough, Razputin! The beast must die, now!
SASHA: If you are mentally focused, and executing a sideways tumble, it will be very hard for him to stamp you.
SASHA: Razputin, if you could finish this off soon, I might get out of it with only a mild concussion.
SASHA: What? Who’s there? I think I’ve lost my vision!
SASHA: Why no, Aunt Bernie, of course I didn’t get your phone calls or else I would have responded right away.
SASHA: My name is Yan Yanssen, I live in Wisconsin, I work in the lumberyard there…
SASAH: La di da…do do da dum…
SASHA: Wow. Okay, that last hit brought me back. Where was I?

& After finishing the boss fight.
RAZ: So, is this where I get a speech and learn another lesson?
SASHA: No. Here’s your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.

After Sasha’s Shooting Gallery + Brain Tumbler Experiment 2

AFTER SASHA’S SHOOTING GALLERY

& After coming out of brain tumbler.
RAZ: I want to shoot more things.
SASHA: Okay, okay. Enough about my mind. Let’s stay out of my mind for a while. Let’s just go back into yours, huh?
SASHA: Step up to the brain tumbler when you’re ready.

* Sasha, first interaction.
SASHA: Okay, okay. Enough about my mind. Let’s stay out of my mind for a while. Let’s just go back into yours, huh?
SASHA: Step up to the brain tumbler when you’re ready.

* Sasha, second and all subsequent interactions.
SASHA: Let’s go mess up your mind for a change.

* Janitor!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, you wanna see me shoot something?
J!FORD: You wanna see me wring your neck like a mop?
RAZ: No.
J!FORD: Ah, dang.

* Janitor!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, you wanna see me shoot something?
J!FORD: You wanna see me wring your neck like a mop?

*Brain Tumbler.
RAZ: Okay, time to face my big, diving-helmet spitting personal demons.
SASHA: That’s the spirit.

BRAIN TUMBLER EXPERIMENT 2

~ After you shoot the shadow.
RAZ: Hey, where’d it go? Don’t tell me I imagined that whole thing?

& Censor outlets open.
RAZ: You are my own creation! I command you to stop!
RAZ: Dang, does that EVER work?

~ After opening the “The World Shall Taste My Eggs” memory vault.
RAZ: Okay, what the hell was that??
RAZ: I’m seeing some crazy stuff in here, Sasha. This can’t be right.
SASHA: Ach. Why did I buy the CHEAP Brain Tumbler?

& After the cutscene at the top of the tower.
RAZ: Argh! There’s no way to get any higher!
SASHA: You must use your levitation power.
RAZ: I don’t know how to levitate…

[1/2] Before Milla’s Dance Party

& Continuation of last cutscene.
SASHA: I had no idea you were at such a remedial level.
RAZ: Hey!
SASHA: Lucky for you, we have one of the world’s foremost levitators on staff.
RAZ: Agent Milla Vodello, the Mental Minx!
SASHA: Precisely. You’ll need this Oarsman’s Badge to reach her at the docks.
SASHA: I’ll try to determine where this interference is coming from.
SASHA: Return when you’ve earned your Levitation Merit Badge.

* Sasha.
RAZ: But I have to climb that creepy tower and save Dogen from an insane dentist!
SASHA: Patience Razputin. Go see Milla at the docks and perhaps we will get to the top of that tower…and the bottom of your nightmare.

& Mikhail and Maloof, in the Kids’ Cabins Area.
RAZ: Hey, I didn’t know you guys were friends.
MIKHAIL: Small Maloof and I have arrangement.
MIKHAIL: Instead of beating up bears, I get to beat up anyone who picks on Maloof.
RAZ: What?
MIKHAIL: Unbelievable, no? And he’s not even charging me.
MALOOF: A lot of things are going to change around here, Razputin.
MALOOF: A power shift. Some big figures are going down. Some new stars rising.
MALOOF: For the meek, justice. For the abusers of power, wedgies and Indian burns.
MALOOF: Choose your sides wisely.

* Mikhail, first interaction.
RAZ: Did you find that bear?
MIKHAIL: Nyet. Soon. Woods not big enough for me and summer camp and giant bear.

* Mikhail, second interaction.
RAZ: I saw something in the woods, too. I don’t think it’s a bear, Mikhail.
MIKHAIL: Agreed. Could be ape escaped from zoo or bigfoot. Same result: wrestled into submission.

* Mikhail, third interaction.
RAZ: I think it’s some kind of a walking fish thing.
MIKHAIL: Fish? Is this joke? It is funny.

* Mikhail, fourth and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: I’m serious, Mikhail. I think that bear is a fish.
MIKHAIL: Okay. Joke is over.

* Maloof, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Maloof, can I join in?
MALOOF: Sorry, Raz. This is our thing.

* Maloof, second interaction.
RAZ: Come on, Maloof, give me a chance.
MALOOF: You’re a nice circus boy. You don’t want to get mixed up in our business.

* Maloof, third interaction.
RAZ: I just wanted to play too.
MALOOF: Someday – and that day may never come – I will call upon you to toss me a ball or build a fort out of refrigerator boxes.

* Maloof, fourth interaction. Subsequent interactions loop this and prior dialogue trees.
RAZ: Hey –
MALOOF: I have a sentimental weakness for you, Raz. But you talk when you should listen.
(loops this and one before it)

* Oleander. Subsequent interactions loop prior “Hey coach” dialogues.
RAZ: Hey coach! I need to learn Levitation quick!
OLEANDER: Do I look like a floater to you?
OLEANDER: Vodello gives the Levitation drills out on the docks.
OLEANDER: Now, DISMISSED!

& Kitty and Franke. Interacting with them produces their prior dialogue.
VERNON: Hey guys!
KITTY: Did you hear something Franke?
FRANKE: Nope.
VERNON: Guys, hey! Hey! It’s Vernon. I’m right next to you. Hey!
KITTY: Oh.
FRANKE: What is it, Vernon?
VERNON: Have you guys seen Dogen or Elka or Milka? We were playing hide-and-seek and – it’s actually a funny story – I said, “I’ll count to a hundred.” and then –
KITTY: Stop! We saw them. We saw all of them. Just like five seconds ago.
FRANKE: They were headed toward that place, the one that’s so far away.
VERNON: The beach?
KITTY: No, that’s too close…
KITTY: The woods! The really far woods.
VERNON: Thanks.

* Chloe, first interaction.
RAZ: What’re you doing?
CHLOE: To contact anything beyond your planet’s moon, we need a bigger antenna.

* Chloe, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Can I help?
CHLOE: Affirmative. Step aside and do not touch anything. And stop talking.

* JT, first interaction.
RAZ: Great shot!
JT: Well, pardner, it weren’t “great.” But t’weren’t bad, neither.

* JT, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Wow, that’s awesome!
JT: Stand back, greenhorn, or yer gonna git a nasty hotfoot.

* Ranger!Ford.
RAZ: Excuse me, Mr. Ranger, but I’m looking for Milla Vodello’s levitation class?
R!FORD: She teaches out on the docks, in the sunshine, where young kids should be spending their summers! Not here in the forests.
R!FORD: Which, have I mentioned, are off limits?
R!FORD: Now git!

~ Elka and Nils.
ELKA: Do you want to hear something that James – you know, my new boyfriend James – something funny he said?
NILS: No.
ELKA: He said –
NILS: I said “no.”
ELKA: Oh. Anyways, we were talking to Lili and she’s all het up about a monster she thinks she saw in the woods.
NILS: “Het up”?
ELKA: It’s Wild West for “excited.”
ELKA: James and I spend so much time together, I guess I’m starting to sound like him.
NILS: Funny, I talked to Lili last night and she didn’t mention anything about a monster.
ELKA: Nothing?
NILS: Well, she mostly said “mmm mmm mmm” because we were letting our mouths do the talking, if you know what I mean.
ELKA: I sure don’t. What do you mean?
NILS: I mean we were making out because we’re involved. Romantically.
ELKA: WHAT? YOU – Wait – she doesn’t like you that way.
ELKA: In fact, that’s just one of the many ways she doesn’t like you.
ELKA: In fact, she doesn’t like you, period.
ELKA: You’re lying about this whole thing, aren’t you?
NILS: No way. Lili’s my new girlfriend.
NILS: Don’t ask her though, because it’s a secret. Because – well, the “because” is a secret too.
ELKA: Oh Nils. I know it hurts, but I have a new boy in my life.
ELKA: A new cowboy. And he’s not just a new cowboy, he’s a cowman.
NILS: I think you have me confused with you.
NILS: I’m so moved on I wrapped around and now I’m back.
ELKA: Whatever you say.
NILS: There’s plenty of women where you came from. And other places.
ELKA: Good.

* Nils. Elka plays her prior dialogue when interacted with.
RAZ: Hey are you guys getting back together?
ELKA & NILS: No!

* Vernon, first interaction.
RAZ: Find ‘em yet?
VERNON: Well, I tracked Dogen into the forest, but his footprints just…disappeared.
RAZ: Really?
VERNON: Yeah, and I tried to tag Elka, but she punched me.
VERNON: I saw Milka run into this cave, so all I have to do now is wait.
RAZ: Why don’t you just run in there?
VERNON: Never follow a snake into its hole, Raz. That is the code of the mongoose. The code of the hunter.

* Vernon, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: How’s it going mongoose?
VERNON: Everything is falling into place. We’re moving into the endgame.

* Janitor!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Mr. Cruller?
J!FORD: Ah, so you’re finally ready to begin your Janitor training! Hmmm?
RAZ: Um, almost, but as a practice for that…
RAZ: …I’m learning Levitation!
J!FORD: Now, you go take a canoe out to that pretty lady in the lake, if you wanna start flying around like a crazy person.
J!FORD: The only thing I use bubbles for here is mopping!

* Janitor!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, after I learn Levitation, I could maybe help you get up to higher places to clean.
J!FORD: Now, that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day.

[2/2] Before Milla’s Dance Party

~ Announcement over camp.
MILLA: Hello children. I hope you are all having a happy and safe summer day here at Whispering Rock!
MILLA: I just wanted to tell you that we are having a party out here on the floating dock and I’d love for you all to come. It’s Levitation training, baby! And it’s fun, fun, fun!
MILLA: Just grab a canoe and come join the party!

~ Announcement over camp.
MILLA: Don’t be late! Levitation class has already begun!
MILLA: Come on out to the floating dock before the party is over!

* Elton, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey Elton, have you heard anything else about that thing in the lake?
ELTON: Huh? Oh. Not really. The fish are kinda goin’ crazy about Bobby and Benny over there torturing anything that swims too close.
ELTON: Ohhh, somebody should do something.
MILKA: Yeah!
RAZ: Well, I suppose I could go talk to them…

* Elton, second interaction. Loops until after the scene with Bobby plays.
RAZ: I, uh, haven’t told Bobby to lay off the fish torture yet, but I’m going to.
ELTON: Uh-huh.

* Admiral!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Check it out, Admiral! I’m an Oarsman, First Class!
A!FORD: Hey, it looks like all those weeks in the canoe simulator really paid off!
RAZ: Uh, yessir, Admiral, sir!
A!FORD: Well, let’s get you afloat!
A!FORD: Finest of the fleet!
RAZ: I’ll take good care of her, sir!
A!FORD: That lake isn’t as peaceful or harmless as she looks, mm-hmm…
A!FORD: Now don’t take ‘er out too far!

* Admiral!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Uh, Admiral, where’s that canoe again?
A!FORD: Can’t find the ship, eh? Well, well, you’re not off to a promising start, Seaman.
A!FORD: It’s right outside. You can’t miss it. Well, most people couldn’t miss it.

* Bobby or Benny, after triggering conversation with Elton.
RAZ: What are the chances that – if I ask nicely – you two will stop messing with these poor fish?
BOBBY: About as good as the chance that if you say one more freakin’ word to me about fish, the fire department’s gonna have to Jaws of Life my fist outta your mouth!
RAZ: So wait, does that mean you will?
BOBBY: I will punch you. That’s what that means.
MILKA: I am the Hideous Hulking Lungfish of Lake Oblongata! I can breathe air and love to eat the brains of little boys!
BENNY: AHHHH!

* Bobby.
RAZ: Don’t make me go get my fish friend again.
BOBBY: Pfff! I ain’t afraid of no Lungfish. Come on and get me, stupid Lungfish.
BOBBY: Oooh! Look at me! I can breathe!
BOBBY: Big deal! So can I!

& Elton, after scene with Bobby and Benny has been triggered.
ELTON: That was rad!
MILKA: Thanks!
ELTON: You’re pretty rad, too.

* Elton or Milka.
RAZ: Okay, if you guys need me I’m going to be studying Levitation with Milla Vodello.
RAZ: The Mental Minx?

& Dogen, entering the TV room.
RAZ: Dogen!
DOGEN: TV?
RAZ: Yeah, good idea. You rest here while I find your brains!

* Dogen, first interation.
RAZ: Hey, what’s on?
DOGEN: TV?

* Dogen, second interaction.
RAZ: What do you like better, TV or air?
DOGEN: TV?

* Dogen, third interaction.
RAZ: Hey, do you happen to know the country code for Tuvalu?
DOGEN: TV?

* Dogen, fourth intraction.
RAZ: First question: what do you think the queen is drinking right now? Second question: What was your favorite science fiction miniseries in the eighties?
DOGEN: TV?

* Dogen, fifth interaction. Loops interactions one through five.
RAZ: Yeah, good idea. You rest here while I find your brains!
DOGEN: TV?

& Milla.
RAZ: (Gasp.)
RAZ: There she is!
MILLA: And there you are, darling!
MILLA: Don’t worry, I got in contact with your father, and he’s going to be here tomorrow to pick you up!
RAZ: My…father?
MILLA: Ooh, got to go! The race is starting!

* Any of the campers around Milla.
RAZ: Oh, man. These guys are all getting Advanced Levitation training while I’m just standing here!

* Milla.
RAZ: Agent Vodello! I have been ordered to report here for Levitation training!
RAZ: I’ve already done the Coach’s obstacle course, and Sasha showed me how to shoot!
MILLA: You know I’d expect that sort of recklessness from Morceau, but Sasha?
RAZ: Agent Nein said you were the most powerful levitator the Psychonauts had.
MILLA: Sasha said that? Really? I didn’t know he noticed…
RAZ: Well you know, I only work with the best teachers.
MILLA: Flirt! Okay, let’s party.

Milla’s Dance Party

& Milla.
MILLA: Look who made the scene!
RAZ: Agent Vodello? Where are you?
MILLA: On TV of course! Where I was always meant to be!
MILLA: I mean look at my hair, darling. How can hair this fabulous not be on TV?
MILLA: Now darling, the best way to learn Levitation is to just try it!
MILLA: I’m going to give you a Levitation Learner’s Permit. It will only work while you’re in my mind.
MILLA: After you finish my course, I’ll give you the real thing, baby.
MILLA: First you gotta show me you know how to use it!

~ After short tutorial cutscene.
MILLA: Now bounce on up here and follow me, darling!

~ Bounce.
MILLA: There you go!

& Tutorial.
MILLA: Now for this last one you’re really gonna have to fly.
MILLA: Once you get up in the air, try using your thoughts as a balloon to float.
MILLA: Just jump for those rings, as high as you can, and then do your PSI float!
MILLA: Don’t be afraid, darling!

& Finishing tutorial.
MILLA: Outstanding!
MILLA: Okay, now, just between you and me, this end of the party is dead.
MILLA: Come find me on the other side of the party and I’ll give you that merit badge for real.
MILLA: Never keep a girl waiting long, young man!
MILLA: (Kiss.)

~ First halfpipe room.
MILLA: Stay on the ball in here, Razputin, if you want to get higher.
MILLA: And see if you can get all those rings spinning, mister DJ!

&
MILLA: Woo-hoo! You are the sugar in my bowl, darling.
MILLA: Now just follow the flowers, won’t you? And try to stay rolling at all times! That is the theme of this party!

& After you make it up.
MILLA: Fantastic! What style you have, young man!
MILLA: Now I’m not saying that you will fall, but if you ever did, I’ll put a ball return down here for you.
MILLA: Just jump in there if you need to come back up here in a hurry.
MILLA: Darling, float over here, will you? These rings aren’t spinning and they’re ruining my party!
MILLA: Remember to use your PSI Float. I’m not saying it won’t ever let you down, but it will let you down nice and slow.

* Female!Dancer.
RAZ: Hey, will you teach me how to dance?
F!DANCER: Come on! Dance, baby!

* Male!Dancer.
RAZ: Hey, will you teach me how to dance?
M!DANCER: Watch and learn, kid.

* Clem.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
CLEM: Hey, sure, we’re all dancing!

* Chops.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
CHOPS: Thanks but no thanks, Raz.

* Crystal.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
CRYSTAL: Yay! I already am! Come join us!

* Elton.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
ELTON: Um. No thanks Raz.

& Making some rings spin.
MILLA: Thank you, sweetie. I feel so much better now!
MILLA: Come on. Let’s take it a little higher now.
MILLA: Oooh, look at the crowd! Things are starting to pick up!

~ As you approach draft.
MILLA: See that draft up above, darling? Jump into it and float and see where it takes you!

~ Entering secret room (you know the one).
MILLA: Now, why would you want to come in here. Come on, this room’s no fun. Let’s leave, baby.

* The toybox.
MILLA: Now you DEFINITELY don’t want to go in there! That’s a party killer right there.

~ Entering SECRET secret room (you know the one).
MILLA: Darling. What are you doing down here?
MILLA: The party is upstairs.
MILLA: Lucky for you I have my Nightmares under control.
MILLA: These things can take you to a world of pain, trust me.
MILLA: Now quick. Let’s get back to the party, okay?
MILLA: Darling.
MILLA: If you’re looking for the make-out room, you’ve come to the WRONG place.

~ Nightmares.
NIGHTMARE: Milla, where are you?
NIGHTMARE: Why did you let us die?
NIGHTMARE: Help us, Milla!
NIGHTMARE: Ow! It’s hot! It’s burning!
NIGHTMARE: Milla, save us!
NIGHTMARE: We’re all alone now!
NIGHTMARE: Milla, why don’t you help us?
NIGHTMARE: Miiiiiiiiillaaaaa…
NIGHTMARE: Milla, why did you let us die?
NIGHTMARE: We’re all alone now, Milla.

* Chloe.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
CHLOE: Yes, teach me of your Earth rhythms.

* Elka.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
ELKA: You’d better back off or my boyfriend James will go nuts. He’s so jealous and protective of me.

* JT.
RAZ: Hey, wanna dance?
JT: Um, why don’t you go ask Elka? She loves to dance.

~ Reaching the hazard platform.
MILLA: When you are levitating, you are also protected from all sorts of icky things.
MILLA: But some things, like those spikes, those are always bad news, whether you are levitating or not. So watch out!

~ Attempting to enter the water on the hazard platform.
MILLA: Mmmm. That shouldn’t be happening.
MILLA: Darling, do you have some problems with water? Do you want to talk about it?
RAZ: Uh, it’s a long story. Maybe later.
MILLA: Okay, I’m always here for you, darling. Let me just say that it’s very normal for boys your age.

& Beginning the race.
MILLA: Okay, it’s time to see how fast you are, darling.
MILLA: Ready?
MILLA: Get set!
MILLA: Go, baby, go!

~ When they pass you.
BOBBY: Yeah!
CLEM: Hey, there, Raz!
CRYSTAL: I’m sure you’ll still win, Raz!

& If Bobby wins.
BOBBY: Haha! Yeah!
MILLA: Oh, darling. You looked good, but sometimes speed is important.
MILLA: Why don’t you try the race again?

& When you win.
MILLA: You did it! You are quick like greasy lightning!
MILLA: I’m so proud of you, darling!
MILLA: You’re so fast you’ll be at my party in no time, eh?

& Bubble room.
MILLA: Okay, if you want to get up to where the action is, you’re going to have to do a lot of floating in this room, baby.
MILLA: Good thing you’re so light on your feet!

~ Entering the bubble room.
MILLA: If you float in some areas, you might get a little more mmmmf than usual.

& After activating rings.
MILLA: Now you’re going to have to use your PSI Float again to get those rings spinning.

& Approaching Milla.
MILLA: Who’s that I see?
MILLA: It’s Razputin, the Rolling Rock Star! In the flesh!
MILLA: And just in time. This party was dying without you, darling.
MILLA: Here, I have a little party favor for you.
MILLA: So cute! (Kiss.)

[1/3] After Milla’s Dance Party

& Milla, right after Milla’s Dance Party.
MILLA: Don’t be a stranger, darling.
RAZ: Thank you, Agent Vodello.
RAZ: Now it’s back to the lab to save Dogen.
MILLA: Dogen’s not in the lab, sweetie. He’s watching TV in the lodge with the other children.
RAZ: I meant the dream Dogen from my Brain Tumbler vision. If I can find out what’s happening to him, maybe that would give me a clue about who stole real Dogen’s brain.
MILLA: Oh, I’m afraid he’s just like that.

* Milla. First dialogue option.
RAZ: Excuse me, Agent Vodello?
MILLA: Hello, darling. Are you back for another dance?
RAZ: No, I’m here to warn you. I think there is a monster in the lake!
MILLA: You mean the Hideous Hulking Lungfish of Lake Oblongata?
MILLA: Darling, every summer camp has its stories. But that’s all they are.
RAZ: This one ate Dogen’s brains.
MILLA: Now stop spreading rumors. I know Dogen seems a little…naïve…but he is actually a very powerful psychic.
MILLA: You know what it’s like to stand out, Razputin, so maybe you could help him out, eh?

* Milla, end dialogue.
RAZ: Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hi.
MILLA: Oh, how nice. Isn’t it a lovely day? It just seems like on a beautiful day like this, nothing could go wrong.

* Milla, ask to go to Milla’s Dance Party again.
RAZ: Yes, I’d like to practice some more on the Levitation course.
MILLA: Well…class is over. But the party never ends!

* Admiral!Ford.
RAZ: Admiral Cruller…
RAZ: That canoe…are you…
RAZ: …In love with it?
A!FORD: What? No! I’m just checking it for psychic residue!
A!FORD: Some kind of fish has been tearing holes in our canoes, and I’m trying to pick up its scent.
A!FORD: (Ahh, don’t worry now, baby. Nobody’s ever going to hurt you again, I promise.)

* Bobby, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Bobby. Wasn’t that great when I beat you in that Levitation race?

* Bobby, second interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Bobby. Someone’s stealing kids’ brains!
BOBBY: Well in that case, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
BOBBY: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
RAZ: Good one.
BOBBY: BECAUSE YOU GOT NO BRAINS!
RAZ: Yeah.

* Bobby, third and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, Bobby –
BOBBY: Ah ha ha ha! No brains! Ha ha ha!
RAZ: (Sigh.)

& Elton.
RAZ: Whoa, uh, Elton. I hope you’re not waiting for me.
{Milka becomes visible}
RAZ: Oh, jeez. Sorry. Carry on, Sailor.

* Elton or Milka, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, you guys wanna go do something?

* Elton or Milka, second interaction.
RAZ: Watch TV or something?

* Elton or Milka, third interaction.
RAZ: Want to help me find Dogen’s brains?

* Elton or Milka, fourth interaction.
RAZ: They’re missing.
ELTON: Mmf. No, he’s just like that. Mffm.

* Elton or Milka, fifth interaction.
RAZ: I, uh, beat Bobby in this Levitation race. It was pretty cool.

* Elton or Milka, sixth interaction.
RAZ: I got a, uh…Oarsman’s Badge, so I can get us a canoe if you guys want to go…canoeing.

* Elton or Milka, seventh interaction.
RAZ: Have you guys ever jumped down these big, hollow stumps they have all around camp?

* Elton or Milka, eighth interaction.
RAZ: No?

* Elton or Milka, ninth and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Okay, ummm, I’m gonna go back to Sasha’s secret lab now. If you guys need me, that’s where I’ll be.

~ Crystal and Clem.
CRYSTAL: So this is it.
CLEM: Yep.
CRYSTAL: I’m so happy Clem.
CLEM: Me too, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: It’s going to be great, isn’t it?
CLEM: Super great.
CRYSTAL: We’re going to be so powerful, aren’t we?
CLEM: More powerful than you can imagine.
CRYSTAL: (Sigh.) I can’t wait.

~ Crystal and Clem.
CRYSTAL: The sunset’s beautiful, isn’t it?
CLEM: It will be more beautiful afterwards.
CRYSTAL: When we’ve done what we’re going to do.
CLEM: Yes. When we’ve finished the project.
CRYSTAL: The people down there look like ants, don’t they?
CLEM: They are ants, Crystal. Cruel, cruel little ants.
CRYSTAL: Oh, Clem. It’s not their fault.
CLEM: Still, they’re gonna be sorry.
CRYSTAL: Yes, that’s true. They will all be sorry.

~ Crystal and Clem.
CRYSTAL: Hey is that Nils down there with Chloe?
CLEM: Whoa. That’s weird.
CRYSTAL: Oh, man. I’ve got to tell Elka.
CLEM: What’s the point?
CRYSTAL: I guess soon there won’t be much point to any of this, will there?
CLEM: Not when we’ve finished…
CRYSTAL: The project.
CLEM: Yes.

~ Crystal and Clem.
CRYSTAL: You hear about Elton and Milka?
CLEM: No, what?
CRYSTAL: Totally a couple now.
CLEM: No way. I thought Elton loved Lili?
CRYSTAL: Shyeah, well, and I thought Milka loved Quentin.
CLEM: Well, I guess if peoples’ love was something you could trust, we wouldn’t be here now, would we?
CRYSTAL: Good point as always, Clem.

~ Crystal and Clem.
CLEM: Well, are you ready?
CRYSTAL: Just one more minute.
CRYSTAL: Let’s just watch the sun until it sets.
CLEM: All right. Let’s let people have one last sunset before things change forever.
CRYSTAL: …forever…

* Crystal and Clem, first interaction.
RAZ: What are you guys doing up here?
CRYSTAL: Oh, heyyyyy Raz!
CLEM: Didn’t see you there!
CRYSTAL: We’re just looking at the sunset!
CLEM: (Shh! Just wait until he leaves.)

* Crystal and Clem, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: It is a nice sunset, isn’t it?
CRYSTAL/CLEM: Yes.

& The space where Kitty and Franke were making friendship bracelets.
RAZ: That’s weird. Those guys just left all their stuff out here. Wonder what happened to them.

~ Quentin and Phoebe. Once it reach the ends it begins to loop from “in the city.”
QUENTIN: Kitty…oh Kitty…
QUENTIN: Girl…
QUENTIN: Oooohhh…ooohohhhhooo…
QUENTIN: Kitty!
QUENTIN: Kittay!
QUENTIN: Kitty you so fine, girl.
QUENTIN: Yeah yeah yeah!
PHOEBE: Switch it up, Quentin. Come on.
QUENTIN: Ms. Bubai. Buuuu-uuuu-uuuu-baaaiiiiii!
PHOEBE: That’s not even a song, dude.
PHOEBE: That’s like a weird slowjam.
QUENTIN: How about this?
QUENTIN: In the city.
QUENTIN: She’s so pretty.
QUENTIN: It’s a pity.
QUENTIN: This little ditty.
QUENTIN: My Itty Bitty.
QUENTIN: Kitty, Kitty!
QUENTIN: My perfect fitty!
QUENTIN: Makes me all giddy!
QUENTIN: My oven mitty.
QUENTIN: I’ll never quitty.
QUENTIN: So very witty.
QUENTIN: She got no zitty!
QUENTIN: Soon, we’ll go stitty!

[2/3] After Milla’s Dance Party

& Entering the TV room.
FRANKE: TeeeVeee.
KITTY: Hackey saaaaaaack…
VERNON: Yesss, hackey saaaaack.
RAZ: Oh no! They’re all brainless!
VERNON: Hi Raz!
RAZ: Vernon! You’re okay!
VERNON: Yeah, we’re great. Me and my pals Kitty and Franke are just hanging out tellin’ stories and watchin’ the boob tube.
KITTY: TeeeVeeeee.
RAZ: Vernon, look at them. They’re zombies.
VERNON: It did seem kind of weird when they let me get this close to them.
VERNON: And then they didn’t mind when I talked all through the show.
VERNON: Kitty even agreed to go on a date with me more or less – we’re gonna play hackey sack!
RAZ: Keep an eye on them Vernon.
RAZ: I’m gonna go figure out what’s causing this!
VERNON: Roger that, Raz.

~ Vernon.
VERNON: Did you ladies know one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War was fought on the shore of this very lake?
VERNON: Yup, it’s true.
VERNON: It happened back when this place was still an Indian summer camp and burial ground.
VERNON: A group of Union soldiers got separated from their regiment.
VERNON: Night was falling and they were cold and scared…of Dracula! BOO! Huh-hahaha!
VERNON: Uhm, I’m kidding. They were just terrified of getting shot.
VERNON: Though I’m sure any of them with any sense were afraid of Dracula too.
VERNON: They stumbled across an old building – you can still see it on the far side of the lake.
VERNON: So they decided to spend the night there.
VERNON: Little did they know it was…
VERNON: An abandoned Indian insane asylum built on a caveman burial ground!
VERNON: Little did they also know that a cursed fish lived in the asylum.
VERNON: And that he was an escaped lunatic.
VERNON: But from a different asylum.
VERNON: So even though he was actually living in an asylum, he was still counted as escaped.
VERNON: And what was his curse you ask?
VERNON: Where his gills should have been…
VERNON: He. Had. Hooks!
VERNON: Yup, and where one of the hooks should have been…
VERNON: He. Had. A. Lung! Yep…a lung!
VERNON: And instead of being about fourteen inches long.
VERNON: He. Was. Ten. Feet. Tall.
VERNON: But that wasn’t the scariest thing.
VERNON: The scariest thing…
VERNON: The absolute scariest thing…
VERNON: And the thing that still makes the old timers’ blood turn to ice and vice versa…
VERNON: Is the part I said first about how he had hooks for gills.
VERNON: Oh…brrrrrr.
VERNON: Uh, anybody need a hug?
VERNON: Anybody?
VERNON: No?
VERNON: Okay, then. Anybody mind if I tell that story again?
VERNON: Speak up now if you don’t want to hear it again.
VERNON: Here we go…

* Vernon.
RAZ: Vernon, you keep watch over these guys while I try to find their brains. I’m going back to Sasha’s Lab now to find out what’s going on.
VERNON: Take your time. I’ve got a lot of really good stories.

* Franke and Kitty. Interacting with Dogen plays his previous dialogue chain.
RAZ: Maybe these guys are better off without their brains. They seem so nice now.

* Janitor!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Mr. Cruller! I’m a trained Levitator now!
RAZ: You have to admit, that would come in handy to clean those high up type places.
J!FORD: Ahh-ffft! I could go up to the store in the main lodge and buy a Cobweb Duster that would do the same thing!
J!FORD: Levitation!

* Janitor!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, Mr. Cruller! I’m a trained Levitator now!
J!FORD: Levitation!

& Maloof, Mikhail, and Benny.
BENNY: RRRRR! Lemme go!
MIKHAIL: What to do with small bully assistant?
MALOOF: Jeez, I don’t know. Could you put him in that “Deadly Nelson” you were talking about?
MIKHAIL: Could. On such tiny opponent, all blood might drain out earholes.
BENNY: AHHHHH!
MALOOF: Shut up, Benny!
MIKHAIL: On other hand, blood from constricted trunk could rush to tongue.
MALOOF: And?
MIKHAIL: Tongue swells, pops. Most blood drains back down throat.
MALOOF: Interesting.
MIKHAIL: Less mess that way. Mouth stuffed with giant tongue can’t scream – so quieter.
BENNY: AHHHHH!
MALOOF: Shut up, Benny.
MALOOF: You have something less drastic?
MIKHAIL: Could use Half Deadly Nelson.
MALOOF: What’s that?
MIKHAIL: Like Deadly Nelson but less dying.
MALOOF: How much less?
MIKHAIL: Half.
MALOOF: What happens the other half of the time?
MIKHAIL: Opponent lives. Spends rest of short life praying for death.
BENNY: HEY! Can you hear me down there? Maloof?
MALOOF: Shut up, Benny.
BENNY: Seriously, Maloof, I apologize. Call off your goon and I’ll never bother you again. Ever.
MALOOF: The thing is, Benny, you’re never going to bother me again either way.
MALOOF: So you’re gonna have to offer something a lot better than that.
BENNY: Like what?
MALOOF: Any ideas, Mikhail?
MIKHAIL: Know anything about giant, hairless bear?
BENNY: No…
MIKHAIL: Out of ideas. Preparing Nelson.
BENNY: Well wait! Wait! Uh, maybe – uh, yeah, m – maybe I did see something like that. Give me a minute to think.
MALOOF: You ready to talk, Benny?
BENNY: Hold on. It’ll come to me.

* Maloof.
RAZ: Hey, you guys aren’t going around taking people’s brains out, are you?
MALOOF: Not yet, but maybe we should do some market research on that, and see if there’s a demand for that service.

* Mikhail.
RAZ: You’re not going to, uh, kill Benny, are you?
MIKHAIL: Difficult to say.

* Benny.
RAZ: You should take advantage of this time to quietly reflect upon your life, Benny.
BENNY: Raz, buddy! You gotta help me!

& Nils and Chloe.
NILS: You know Chloe, for a chick whose face I can’t see because she’s always wearing a helmet, you’re pretty cute.
CHLOE: I’m not human, Earth primate.
NILS: But you are the girl model of whatever it is you are, right?
CHLOE: Affirmative.
NILS: At this point, that’s totally close enough.
BOBBY: Many, what smells like butt? Oh, hey Nils. How ‘bout you and your butt and its odor take a hike before I puke?
NILS: But…
BOBBY: It’d be a real shame if you had to leave your butt here because it was anchored to my foot. NOW BEAT IT!
BOBBY: Hi Chloe. How’s it…I mean…you know, what’s up and stuff?
CHLOE: Bobby, we need to work on you a little.

* Ranger!Ford.
RAZ: Hey, I can levitate. Want to see my merit badge?
R!FORD: Uh, that’s great! You can just float on up out of this forest then!
R!FORD: Because the forest? It’s off limits!
R!FORD: Now git!

[3/3] Milla’s Dance Party + Brain Tumbler Experiment 3

~ When you approach Elka and Chops.
ELKA: I don’t care how long you two have been “pardners.” James is my boyfriend now. Do you know what that means?
CHOPS: Uh, well, he wears his good parade chaps a lot more.
ELKA: Yes, he’s less filthy, that’s part of it.
ELKA: But the biggest change is that he can’t possibly waste as much time as he used to hanging out with his loser friends.
CHOPS: I don’t like you.
ELKA: And I don’t like you. So that covers everything we have in common.
ELKA: Now for the differences: I’m going to be with James all the time from now on.
ELKA: You’re going to have to stay as far away from us as possible or I’m going to make your life more miserable than I imagine it already is.

* JT.
RAZ: Hey, J.T. I could use a hired gun on this brain-stealing case I’m working on.
JT: Huh? Oh, sorry Raz. I’m a little preoccupied right now. Got a lot of figurin’ to do.

* Chops.
RAZ: Chicks.
CHOPS: Tell me about it.

* Elka.
RAZ: Hey, there’s this whole brain-stealing thing going on that you should know about.
ELKA: Razputin? NOT NOW.

* Lili.
RAZ: What are you listening to?
LILI: I can’t quite make it out, but something – something coming out of those speakers reminds me of my nightmare!

* Oleander. Any subsequent interactions play his “hey Coach” dialogue.
RAZ: Coach! You’ll never believe the stuff I’ve been doing!
OLEANDER: Ahhh!
OLEANDER: Listen, Private.
OLEANDER: I am at a VERY CRITICAL point in my lesson plan.
OLEANDER: I’ve almost got it all put together. I can’t be taken off-mission right now, UNDERSTAND?
RAZ: Yes, Sir.
OLEANDER: I promise that I’ll come for you when I’m ready to really unlock your brain’s full potential!
OLEANDER: Now, for the last time, you are DISMISSED, Private!

* Punching boxes in Sasha’s Lab
SASHA: Ah, yes. Thank you Razputin, for helping me clean up.

* Sasha.
RAZ: Okay, I’m a certified levitator now. Ready to roll.
SASHA: Hmm.
SASHA: I’ve been running some tests. It seems that the sensitive circuitry of the Brain Tumbler is picking up too much psychic interference to be safe.
SASHA: The thoughts of some other entity are interlacing with yours at a dangerous level, which explains many of the strange things you’ve seen.
SASHA: I must call off the experiments until we know more.
RAZ: Sasha, there’s no time. I think my vision about Dogen came true. I’m worried it’s going to happen to the others if we don’t get to the bottom of this quick.
SASHA: But we don’t know where the foreign projections are coming from yet.
RAZ: Is there a faster way to find out than sending me in there to investigate?

BRAIN TUMBLER EXPERIMENT 3

* Dogen, in the tower.
DOGEN: TV!

~ With the brain tank, if you try shooting it.
RAZ: Hey! No fair! I blasted you, tank!
RAZ: RECEIVE MY PSYCHIC BLASTING, JERK!
RAZ: Rats! That tank is armored like a…tank!
RAZ: It must have a weak spot somewhere!
RAZ: Probably not on the top, though.
RAZ: Probably hidden.
RAZ: The weak spot, I mean.
RAZ: Probably hidden on, like, the bottom.
RAZ: Man, I am so smart.

* Shooting the brain tank in the weak spot.
RAZ: Man, I am so smart.
RAZ: Soft gelatinous underbelly, here I come.

* Getting hit by a confusion grenade.
RAZ: Ahh! Confusion…grenade…
RAZ: So…dizzy…who…am I?

* Getting target locked.
RAZ: Ah! Target lock!
RAZ: Gotta hide behind something!

Before Lungfishopolis

& After cutscene.
FORD: Hey, that white room –
RAZ: I know! It’s from Oleander’s mind!
RAZ: I think I was in the Coach’s dream that whole time! Ever since I stepped through the static in the caravan, it felt funny. I knew I wasn’t obsessed with meat!
FORD: But Morry is. AND with stealing psychic brains to arm a fleet of deadly tanks, apparently!
RAZ: I’ve got to tell Lili. She’s waiting for me down by the boathouse.
FORD: Down by the…water? Uh oh. Better hurry!

* Janitor!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Mr. Cruller, there’s a big mess that you gotta help me clean up!
J!FORD: Really? Where? I’ll get the jet!
RAZ: People are missing, Kids’ brains have been stolen, Coach Oleander is trying to take over the world…
J!FORD: Aw psh! Not my kind of mess.
RAZ: Won’t you help?
J!FORD: I’m a janitor. Let me know when somebody drops a carton of eggs or something.

* Janitor!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions..
RAZ: Won’t you help?
J!FORD: I’m a janitor. Let me know when somebody drops a carton of eggs or something.

* Ranger!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Mr. Cruller, you gotta help! Kids are getting kidnapped, and everyone’s missing, and their brains are stolen, and I think the Coach is trying to take over the world with Psychically-armed death tanks!
R!FORD: Well, now you see what happens when you go to parts of the forest that are off limits?
RAZ: Won’t you help?
R!FORD: I’m a Ranger. I’ve got enough problems wrangling these leaves! Now git!

* Ranger!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Won’t you help?
R!FORD: I’m a Ranger. I’ve got enough problems wrangling these leaves! Now git!

& If you enter Ford’s sanctuary before meeting with Lili.
FORD: What are you doing here? You said that girl was waiting for you down by the water! That’s Lungfish territory, boy! Go and get her!

& After the Lili cutscene.
FORD: Let’s get ‘em!
RAZ: I…can’t. I can’t swim.
FORD: Well then use the bathysphere at the end of the dock! Quick, while the flipper prints are still glowin’!
RAZ: Are you coming? I don’t know how to drive that thing.
FORD: Uh…I can’t. I have to uh…check on the other children! Yes, yes! If their brains are out they’ll need supervision. And possibly refrigeration…
FORD: And how can you not know how to operate a bathysphere? Haven’t you ever been to summer camp before?
FORD: Now get a move on, before that girl gets overly digested.

* Admiral!Ford, first interaction.
RAZ: Admiral, sir! Did you hear that? The Hideous Hulking Lungfish of Lake Oblongata just kidnapped Lili!
A!FORD: LUNGFISH?!
A!FORD: So THAT’S what’s been tearing up my canoes!
A!FORD: Well, I know just what to do!
RAZ: You do? Great!
A!FORD: Yeah! I’ve got some lungfish-proof shellac. I’ll just slap on a fresh coat, maybe two, and that’s that!
RAZ: Admiral, the monster is still out there, and Coach Oleander is trying to take over the world!
A!FORD: Ah, yes, the world’s a crazy place, son. But don’t worry.
A!FORD: The canoes are safe.

* Admiral!Ford, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Admiral, the monster is still out there, and Coach Oleander is trying to take over the world!
A!FORD: Ah, yes, the world’s a crazy place, son. But don’t worry.
A!FORD: The canoes are safe.

& If you enter Ford’s sanctuary after Lili’s been kidnapped.
FORD: Razputin, come up here. There’s something you should see.
FORD: You’re the only one left, son.
FORD: Can’t even make a connection with Sasha or Milla right now for some reason…
RAZ: Sasha said he had some official Psychonauts business…
FORD: Impossible. I would know it if they did. Nope, something’s happened to them.
FORD: Razputin, listen. You’re the only one who can stop Oleander now.
RAZ: What about you?
FORD: I…I can’t leave this cave, Razputin.
FORD: Not as the Ford Cruller you know.
RAZ: What? Why?
FORD: Years ago I was in a terrible psychic duel that left me barely alive.
RAZ: Yeah, I read about that. They said your psyche was shattered, that you lost your mind, but…you seem fine to me.
FORD: Yes, when I’m down here, near the Psitanium mother lode. The concentrated power of the Psitanium pulls my thoughts together, keeps me…like my old self.
FORD: But if I leave this sanctuary my psyche becomes disjointed, and I fall into one of my other personalities, with no memory of who I really am.
FORD: I’d be no use to you unless you needed something raked…or mopped…
RAZ: Well, you can call headquarters and get help!
FORD: The Psychonauts won’t listen to me! They wrote me off as a loon years ago. That’s why Sasha and Milla have to take on all my missions. Headquarters doesn’t know I’m the one behind the assignments or they’d never get approved.
FORD: But Sasha and Milla seem to be out of commission now.
FORD: YOU have to be my field agent, Razputin.
FORD: Are you ready?

* If you say no.
RAZ: No. Not yet.
FORD: {He slaps Raz.}
FORD: How about now?

* If you say yes.
RAZ: Yes!
FORD: Good.
FORD: You have to find where that monster took the girl, and if you locate any of the other children’s brains along the way, bring them back to me for recranialization, understand?
RAZ: Ew. I mean, yes sir!

* Linda’s footprints.
RAZ: The creature’s prints are still glowing! This must be where he brought Lili!

* A nail box.
RAZ: Man, that must be full of sharp nails. Hate to swallow that!

* Large freshwater coral patches.
RAZ: This freshwater lake coral is so pretty I just want to smash it.

* Diving helmets.
RAZ: Hey, that helmet got spit at me in the Brain Tumbler vision!

* Lawn gnomes.
RAZ: Wow, this must have been a pretty advanced ghost town down here if they had lawn gnomes.

* TV sets.
RAZ: Ooh, I wonder if I can find out what happened on that western I was watching.

& After the Linda boss fight.
FORD: Ah, poor little thing.
RAZ: That “poor little thing” just tried to kill me about eight different ways.
FORD: Well, that’s not its fault.
FORD: This was once just a normal-sized lungfish, minding its own business in a mucous-lined air bubble beneath a semi-dry lake bed.
FORD: But judging by the work done on it, I suspect Morry has mutated it, accelerated its growth, and has placed an implant in its brain to make it do his evil bidding.
RAZ: Whoa. Poor little thing.
FORD: Yeah. Go inside there and try to smash the implant! Use the Psycho-Portal I saw you steal from Sasha’s lab.
RAZ: Oh, uh, yeah. That works on big, scary monsters?
FORD: Oh, monster-schmonster! That thing is more afraid of you than you are of it!
FORD: Now git in there!

* Linda.
RAZ: Whoa. Poor little thing.

Lungfishopolis

* Trying to levitate.
RAZ: I don’t think that’s going to work.

~ Things lungfish will say if you walk near them.
LUNGFISH: Oh no, Goggalor’s heading for the orphanage!
LUNGFISH: It’s okay everyone. Goggalor missed the orphanage!
LUNGFISH: No wait he’s still heading for the orphanage!
LUNGFISH: Oh my god! The orphanage!
LUNGFISH: No wait – I spoke too fast.
LUNGFISH: It was just a mattress factory!
LUNGFISH: Okay, that’s not too bad.
LUNGFISH: Ahhhhh, my mattress factory! I’m ruined!
LUNGFISH: Hold on – that wasn’t the orphanage.
LUNGFISH: Oh no! It was the orphanage! For dogs! It was the puppy orphanage, everyone!
LUNGFISH: It’s Goggalor! Run!
LUNGFISH: Hey everyone, here comes Kochamera! No, wait, it’s Goggalor. RUN!
LUNGFISH: Ah, my house!
LUNGFISH: Why, Goggalor, why?
LUNGFISH: Where are the police?
LUNGFISH: Ahhhhhhhh!
LUNGFISH: I hate you, Goggalor!
LUNGFISH: Please don’t kill me, Goggalor!
LUNGFISH: It’s Goggalor! He hates children!
LUNGFISH: Where is Kochamera?
LUNGFISH: Good lord, he’s impervious to bullets and love!
LUNGFISH: That’s my school! …Hooray!
LUNGFISH: Kochamera, save us!
LUNGFISH: Nothing can stop him!
LUNGFISH: I love you Goggalor!
LUNGFISH: Go back to your watery hell, Goggalor!
LUNGFISH: Noooooooooooooo! Not the natural history museum!
LUNGFISH: Why doesn’t the Navy electrocute him?
LUNGFISH: You’re lucky we can’t own guns, Goggalor!
LUNGFISH: We’ve faced monsters like you before, Goggalor, only much smaller.
LUNGFISH: My bait shop!
LUNGFISH: My cheese shop!
LUNGFISH: My outlet store!
LUNGFISH: My tank!
LUNGFISH: Gahhhhhhhh!
LUNGFISH: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
LUNGFISH: Heeeeelllllllp!
LUNGFISH: Oh no. Ohhhh no. Noooooooooo!
LUNGFISH: Holy smokes, those goggles are five thousand meters tall!
LUNGFISH: My car!
LUNGFISH: Bullets don’t hurt him!

* The prisons.
RAZ: Check. I’ll go smash that, then.

* The blimp, while it’s docked at the prison.
RAZ: Excellent. There it is.

& Terror in Lungfishopolis – LUNGFISHOPOLIS LIVE
KOCHAMERA: The peaceful city of Lungfishopolis is under attack tonight by a hideous, gigantic monster the terrified citizens have named, “Goggalor.”
KOCHAMERA: The navy has responded quickly and decisively, dispatching its entire tank division to neutralize the creature.
KOCHAMERA: Soon, authorities say, everything will return to normal or better.
KOCHAMERA: (Kidnapping human children is good.)

& Smashing the prison.
RESISTANCE1: Freedom!
RESISTANCE2: Freedom!
RESISTANCE3: FREEDOM!
PILOT: Freedom!
PILOT: So this big monster, is that the best you could do?
RESISTANCE1: We were short on time, and he is good at smashing things!
PILOT: Doesn’t look like much to me. Come on, let’s blow this joint.
RAZ: Hey, you’re welcome!
RESISTANCE1: Sorry about him, Goggalor, he’s been in prison a long time.
RESISTANCE1: He’s the only pilot the resistance has, and he has an excellent plan!
RESISTANCE1: Meet us at the dam so we can put it into action!

& Goggalor: On Drugs? – LUNGFISHOPOLIS LIVE
KOCHAMERA: Well, things have gotten a little embarrassing for Goggalor. Recently surfaced information has strongly linked the previously intimidating monster with common lowlife criminals.
KOCHAMERA: Earlier tonight, Goggalor broke some of his jailhouse cronies out of the slammer so they could enjoy a night on the town, popping pills, and soliciting inexpensive call girls.
KOCHAMERA: Well, they’re in for one nasty hangover! Our beloved navy has come up with a high-tech new invention: trucks armed with HYPER-ELECTRICITY!!
KOCHAMERA: (When kidnapping children, do not harm the brains.)

& No Quarter from Goggalor – LUNGFISHOPOLIS LIVE
KOCHAMERA: The destruction and terror continue as the hulking, godless child-beast carves a bloody swath through our helpless city.
KOCHAMERA: Our noble, all-volunteer navy has been surprised only by the senseless lust for mayhem that seeps from the twisted, black lump of a heart in this creature, still known only as Goggalor.
KOCHAMERA: Though it loathes violence in all its forms, the Navy has no choice but to activate its Anti-Monster Turrets, which it guarantees are 100% monster proof.
KOCHAMERA: (Do not get caught stealing children.)

& If you reach the dam before you free the blimp.
RESISTANCE1: Goggalor, what are you doing down here?
RAZ: I’m trying to get to that Kochamera Tower thing so I can smash it.
RESISTANCE1: The laser tunnel, Goggalor. We have to get through that or we’ll never get to Kochamera Island!
RAZ: But I thought –
RESISTANCE1: There is no “I” in team, Goggalor!
RAZ: Yeah, but there’s an “I” in “squish” so watch it.
RAZ: I’ll go take out your laser tunnel, but then we’re going to talk about who’s running this revolution.

* The resistance member at the dam.
RAZ: I’m trying to get to that Kochamera Tower thing so I can smash it.
RESISTANCE1: The laser tunnel, Goggalor. We have to get through that or we’ll never get to Kochamera Island!

& Reaching the blimp at the dam.
RESISTANCE1: Ha! Now you see the genius of our plan, Goggalor!
PILOT: First, we print flyers. Then we spread them all over town with our blimp!
RESISTANCE1: Winning over the hearts and minds of Lungfishopolis in as soon as six months.
RAZ: Six months?
PILOT: You don’t like our plan, you can come up with another one!
RESISTANCE1: Yes, we are busy! We have to select card stock, and then find a decent, but inexpensive printer within the week!

* The blimp at the dam.
RAZ: Have you come up with a better plan than the pamphlets yet?
PILOT: Yes, it’s called “Turn in Goggalor for Reward Money.”

* Jumping on the blimp. Plays in random order.
RESISTANCE1: Careful! My chai tea!
PILOT: Hey! What are you doing up there?
PILOT: Ow!
PILOT: We don’t have a replacement blimp, you know!
PILOT: Quit it!
PILOT: Knock it off!
PILOT: Hey!

& Famous Child Star Hates Goggalor – LUNGFISHOPOLIS LIVE
KOCHAMERA: We’re here with the star of the popular sitcom, “Trouble in the Bubble,” Buddy Finn.
KOCHAMERA: Buddy, what’s your take on the Goggalor situation? Is he just misunderstood?
BUDDY: No way! I hate Goggalor! I can’t imagine any one of my fans siding with the monster! He hates everything lungfish care about –
BUDDY: Air, water, family, the economy…
KOCHAMERA: Buddy, you’ll be happy to know that the Navy has decided to pull out what they’re most famous for:
KOCHAMERA: AIRPLANES.
KOCHAMERA: So, rest assured, we can all look forward to Goggalor’s imminent death, and to seeing you, Buddy, every Thursday night at eight, right here on LBC!
BUDDY: Thanks, and I’d just like to add that if anyone kidnaps a human child they should take them quickly under the lake to the abandoned insane asylum.

& Reaching the last part of the city.
RESISTANCE1: Goggalor, come in! We have commandeered these vessels in your name!
RESISTANCE2: We can put them in position to help you cross Kochamera Channel, to get to Kochamera Island, and destroy Kochamera Tower!
RESISTANCE1: The thing is that, uh, although we have the utmost faith that you will soon contain the area, Goggalor…we…uh…
RESISTANCE2: Er, we just think it best, uh…to…er…uh…
RESISTANCE1: We’ve decided to maintain our position out here.
RESISTANCE2: Just until you clear the area of all hostiles.
RESISTANCE1: Yes.
RESISTANCE2: For insurance reasons, Goggalor.
RESISTANCE1: Yes! That, and for Freedom!

& Destroying the planes.
RESISTANCE1: FREEDOM!

& The End is Nigh – LUNGFISHOPOLIS LIVE
KOCHAMERA: Well, we’re sorry to report that the miserable and incompetent Lungfish Navy is all but sunk.
KOCHAMERA: Great work, losers!
KOCHAMERA: Now Kochamera himself will have to come all the way down here just to save our worthless hides.
KOCHAMERA: Authorities are calling for a big parade in Kochamera’s honor after he clobbers that annoying giant Goggalor, and if the parade is big enough, Kochamera promises NOT to destroy the city.
KOCHAMERA: (Brush teeth more often. Don’t drool so much.)

Kochamera + Before Milkman Conspiracy

~ When the boss fight begins.
KOCHAMERA: Give up while you can, Goggalor!
RAZ: I know it’s you in there, Coach! I don’t know where you’re broadcasting from, but I’m going to find out and make you show me what happened to Lili.
KOCHAMERA: Kochamera does not speak giant monster boy language.
RAZ: The only word you’re going to need is “Ouch.”

* Kochamera.
RAZ: Give up Coach. I’m sure the Psychonauts are on their way from HQ right now to bust you.

~ Kochamera, telegraphing a move.
KOCHAMERA: Miiiiiiiiiiiiiightyyyyyyyyyyy…
KOCHAMERA: RAM!

~ Kochamera, telegraphing a move.
KOCHAMERA: Deeeeeeaaaaadlyyyyyy…
KOCHAMERA: TRIANGLE BEAM!

& After shooting him or reflecting his triangle beam.
KOCHAMERA: Hmm. So Sasha’s showed you how to save up your aggressive energy, huh?
KOCHAMERA: Well, why don’t I help you…
KOCHAMERA: Let it all out!
KOCHAMERA: Bwah ha ha!

~ Kochamera, telegraphing a move.
KOCHAMERA: Miiiiightyyy Raaaaaam…
KOCHAMERA: GROUND VERSION!

~ Kochamera, telegraphing a move.
KOCHAMERA: Ooooooverlyyyy Innn-triiiiiii-cate…
KOCHAMERA: COMBINATION!

~ Kochamera, telegraphing a move.
KOCHAMERA: Haaaaarrrrrrrrd tooooo aaaavooooid…
KOCHAMERA: AREA ATTACK!

* Kochamera, getting injured.
KOCHAMERA: Ahhh!
KOCHAMERA: Oooff!
KOCHAMERA: Grrr!

& When you win.
KOCHAMERA: People of Lungfishopolis…
KOCHAMERA: …I’m sorry I let you down.
KOCHAMERA: Ggggghhh…
RAZ: Finally!
RAZ: Okay, tower. Get ready for Goggalor!

* Kochamera.
RAZ: Well, he was evil. But he did build a lot of roads.

BEFORE MILKMAN CONSPIRACY

~ The crows.
RAZ: Hey, have you crows seen a –
RAZ: Hey, I was talking to you, ya jerks!

* The crows, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, could you guys hold still for a minute?

* The crows, second interaction.
RAZ: I’m trying to read your minds.

* The crows, third interaction.
RAZ: Gah! It’s no use. All they think about is worms.

* The crows, fourth interaction.
RAZ: So gross.

* The crows, fifth interaction.
RAZ: How about you?

* The crows, sixth interaction.
RAZ: Seen any suspicious characters around here lately?

* The crows, seventh interaction.
RAZ: Yeah, yeah. Bugs are delicious.

* The crows, eighth interaction.
RAZ: Tell me something I don’t already know.

* The crows, ninth interaction.
RAZ: I don’t suppose you all wanna pull together and lift me up into that tower?

* The crows, tenth interaction.
RAZ: Aw man.

* The crows, eleventh and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Yeah, yeah. Caw, caw, caw!

& Boyd.
BOYD: Ah! Who are you working for?
RAZ: Wh—uh…I’m with the Psychonauts!
BOYD: The who? Oh, that doesn’t fit in. That doesn’t fit in at all. Maybe I’ve got this all wrong!

* Boyd, first interaction.
RAZ: Who do YOU work for?
BOYD: I’m the guard. I’ve been fully trained.

* Boyd, second interaction.
RAZ: You gotta let me in! My friend’s in there!
BOYD: Sorry, the Milkman has the key. I am not the Milkman. I’m the guard.

* Boyd, third interaction.
RAZ: Where’s the Milkman?
BOYD: I’ll bet he’s sleeping on the job. His milk is delicious. Everybody wants it. He’ll be here soon.
BODY: Then the lies will end.

* Boyd, fourth and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: You gotta let me in! My friend’s in there!
BOYD: Sorry, the Milkman has the key. I am not the Milkman. I’m the guard.

* The gate.
RAZ: Guess I’m locked outside.
BOYD: I’m locked on the outside, and I’m locked on the inside.

Boyd’s Theories

NOUNS

…that little fat kid with the bunny…
…the freaky hunchback girl who loves brains so much…
…the kid with the goggles…
…the psychowhatsits…
…the intelligencia…
…all them haters…
…the lap belt, man…
…the intelligence community…
…those eggheads in their ivory tower…
…foreign toy makers…
…the analyticals, man…
…the dog track regulators…
…my first cat Seymour…
…the rodeo clown cartel…
…the fluoride producers…
…the suits…
…a religious artifact with supposedly unimaginable powers.
…the military-industrial complex…
…that guy with the eye patch…
…the rotundra.
…the tuna canneries…
…the five richest families in the country…
…those little green cops…
…the doctors back at the clinic…
…last specimen of the super-virus.
…all those stupid crows…
…the witnesses.
…The water supply.
…the dairy industry…
…the media…
…the infrastructure.
…the pelicans…
…the manager of that boyband…
…the innocents.
…big oil…
…the truth.
…the Milkman…
…organized labor…
…the national park system…
…those Bermuda Triangle sharks…
…one of my nostril hairs…
…Hernando…
…the president’s brother…
…the hanging udders…
…a clean-burning perpetual energy source.
…a secret doomsday cult…
…the A.M. tenderizer.
…the cows…
…the squirrels…
…my hooch.

LINKS

…got in bed with…
…because they want…
…with the full blessing of…
…made a deal back in ’68 with…
…who are merely the pawns of…
…in conjunction with…
…with the backing of…
…but they can’t hide that they…
…has been officially linked with…
…no, no, wait. I mean…
…and who wins? Them. And who loses?
…and, if I know anything, then I know that they…
…who are the puppet masters of…
…to keep down…
…to get…
…went to the prom with…
…assassinated the one man in their way…
…bought votes to protect…
…(cough)…
…riiiiiiight…
…huh…
…uh…
…heh heh.
…and sure as the nose on my face, I am sure they…
…uhhhh…
…ate a whole jar of olives with…
…yeah, yeah, yeah…
…okay, okay, but…
…and…
…ho, ho!…
…or else, maybe…
…hmmmm…
…and, let’s just say for now that they…
…wait…
…what? …
…ha!…
…and I know that they…
…are working for…
…signed a secret treaty with…
…but they can’t hide that they…
…are controlled by…
…sold their soul to…
…ha! Like I don’t know that they…
…no, no, no, no…
…and they obviously…
…so the people never find out about…
…have been fixing oil prices…
…are working with…
…are doing the dirty work of…
…some sort of power, you know…
…are telling my location to…
…er…
…all in a big fight over…
…in order to monopolize…
…okay, okay, but…
…something’s got to give…
…but of course you know all this, because you’re Australian…
…and then it comes out of those wires over there, and goes straight into my head, with all its little audio tricks…

ENDINGS

…and nobody seems to care!
…stole my theories and reprinted them incorrectly, to discredit them!
…since the year dot.
…exactly what, nobody knows.
…right under people’s noses!
…pretty much control everything.
…won’t stop visiting me.
…keep sparring with me!
…are crawling all over my skin.
…do this horrible thing, but in conjunction with who? Or whom?
…pick who lives and who dies and what the football scores are going to be every week.
…all of us.
…were digging away at the plastics.
…are not to be trusted.
…the biggest conspiracy of all.
…know the truth.
…have everyone fooled.
…have been living off the teat of the dairy industry.
…the whole sack of lies.
…bit me all night so I couldn’t sleep.
…have been spitting on me all day.
…were dialing in through the optics.

MISC.

What???
These are not my dot to dots. These are not my babies!
I don’t want any half and half! I’m already half and half!!
G-Man, Go-Man, Goat-Man, I thought you worked for me…
The fire will start in menswear!
But when that happens, they turn it into CHOCOLATE milk, and no one can tell the difference!
Oh, that doesn’t fit. That doesn’t fit at all.
Can I really be the only person who sees this?
The truth lives in a small house on the edge of town.
I’m dropping out of this yogurt convention. There’s no fruit at the bottom.
I mean, who do they think they’re fooling?
Think you could get this past me? I’m the guard.
Are you buying? Or are you spying?
If I’m invisible, then why is everyone looking at me?
Someone moved into my neighborhood, uninvited.
Mom, are you sure these are your children?
Listen to me, listen to me, LISTEN TO ME!
Shhh! No, wait. Say that again?
The squirrels…have eyes.
But what if the signal comes early?
Oh, man. This stuff is hot.
They come, they whisper, they watch, they chop, chop, chop.
Oh, Boyd. You’ve got this all wrong.
I have to stay focused.
No distractions!
Who is the Milkman???
They think the windows are tinted, but they ain’t tinted nearly enough!
Wait, why did I say that?
They should paint their garage door the same color as everybody else’s.
Hey, where is the boss?
The ice cream’s in the web, the web is in the cream.
I wonder if I’m on camera right now. Ha! What, am I crazy? Of course I am.
Someone has to get this information to the people.
And he waits, and he waits…
Ignore it, Cooper!
This milk can’t stay fresh forever…
Hi mom! Look at me! I’m tangled in a web of deception! How’s uncle G?
If they find out I know this stuff, I’m dead.
The truth is a colorful diamond.
Ha! I know what you’re up to.
I mean, who do they think they’re fooling?
I don’t want to be a lead weight on the table.
Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
Am I? Or is he? Am I he? What is he doing in my house?
How many are there? I count fourteen, but that’s not the number on my hand, that’s not the number on my neck!
How long do they think they can hide that?
You know my house is clean, right? Right boss??
G-Man, who are you working for? Who is G?
Why does that hydrant keep looking at me?
You know what I mean? Amounts tendered? Yeah?
Hey. Lady. Where you going with that sweater?
Get off of me!
You can pass it over the counter, but that don’t make it over the counter!
Hey, little girl! Get your finger out of there!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, we all scream…
Okay, boss?
My father, he was a good man, but he served a cruel master.
The meaty bit in the middle of this won ton, it’s me!
I have to get rid of some of this stuff!
Hey. Don’t worry about me. I’m centered. I’m the whole center, in fact.
No insubordination, right boss? Right?
This is ugly. It’s like a Cyclops with a million eyes!
Did I just think that? Or did someone MAKE me think it?
And the little girl stuck her finger in the ♥♥♥♥ and saved all the windmills. But who does the little girl work for?
I see myself more as a turtle with a rocket strapped to its back!
The truth is sleeping in a glass box.
You’ve got the skates, but I’ve got the key!
Of course the milk’s got spiderwebs in it! Taste it!
I’m locked on the outside, and I’m locked on the inside.
Oh, you think that’s regular yarn, do you?
Visiting hours are over!
The housing committee’s not going to like this.
I’ve got the truth. It’s tucked in my cheeks. I’m not going to eat it right now.
What’s that on your head? That’s no hat. Maybe you could tell your hat to shut up? Or at least, ask me the right questions?

[1/4] Milkman Conspiracy

& Upon entering level.
BOYD: It’s perfect, isn’t it?
RAZ: Yes.
BOYD: Almost complete. Just a few missing pieces.
RAZ: Yes. Now, which piece talks about the Milkman? The one who opens the asylum gate?
BOYD: But it’s ALL about the Milkman, can’t you see?
RAZ: Is this like one of those 3D paintings? I can never do those.
BOYD: No, you just gotta learn to see it like I see it!
BOYD: There’s something in the fridge that might help you see the world like I do.
RAZ: Ooh, sorry. I don’t drink – before noon, I mean.

* Boyd, before picking up Clairvoyance.
RAZ: Hey, uh, where’s the door?
BOYD: On the front…like most refrigerators.

* Boyd, after picking up Clairvoyance.
RAZ: Did you say the Milkman was in the fridge?
BOYD: Use the leftovers in the fridge to see what I see!

& After using Clairvoyance on Boyd.
RAZ: The Milkman’s dead??? Ah crud.
BOYD: Burned up in a department store fire. Didn’t you hear?
BOYD: At least that’s what the media would have you believe.
BOYD: …Is he dead, or not?
BOYD: Go to the graveyard! Dig him up! Oh, you’ll find something all right, but it’s neither man nor milk.

* Boyd, after previous scene plays.
RAZ: Where is the Milkman?
BOYD: Well, he’s NOT in the graveyard, so that’s the first place you should look.
BOYD: I’d go down there myself, but I can’t get in.
BOYD: Operatives. Optics. Occularities.
BOYD: Everywhere.

& Leaving the house.
BOYD: Be careful! They’re watching. All the time.
RAZ: Kay…
{Raz leaves the building.}
RAZ: Now, how am I going to find some creepy graveyard in this…nice, normal neighborhood?

* Trash cans.
RAZ: Hey, are you following me?

* Fire hydrants and lawn flamingos.
RAZ: That’s strange.

& Approaching Road Crew G-Man.
RC!G-MAN: Stop. Road crew workers only beyond the yellow line.
RAZ: You guys are road crew workers?
RC!G-MAN: Yes. We work on the road with these red signs.
RAZ: I see. Well, do you guys know where the Milkman is?
RC!G-MAN: Why do you ask that question?
RC!G-MAN: Are you the Milkman?
RAZ: Do I look like a milkman to you?
RC!G-MAN: That information is restricted to the road crew.
RC!G-MAN: Please move along.

& Approaching a Rainbow Squirt.
RS: Hello, sir. I am a Rainbow Squirt. Would you like to buy a box of my delicious Rainbow Treats?
RAZ: I would buy some cookies…but I don’t have any…MILK.
RAZ: Do you have any idea where I could buy some…MILK? For my…COOKIES?
RS: Ahh! Creepy man!

* Rainbow Squirt.
RAZ: Excuse me, but I’m looking for the Milkman.
RS: Stop talking to me! You’re going to get me in trouble!

* Rainbow Squirt, when holding an item.
RAZ: {Plays his item dialogue.}
RS: That’s nice…creep.

* The crow.
RAZ: Seen any suspicious characters around here lately?

* The vines in front of the mausoleum.
RAZ: Hm. This must be the Milkman’s grave.
RAZ: …But it’s completely overgrown with vines. How am I going to get in there?

~ After hitting vines in front of mausoleum.
RAZ: The vines are too thick! They won’t break.

~ After setting the vines on fire.
RAZ: Yes! Burn!
RAZ: Man, I hope no one notices all this fire.

& After getting the book.
G-MAN: What were you doing in the cemetery?
G-MAN: Are you a grieving widow?
G-MAN: Where are your flowers?
G-MAN: What did you find in the mausoleum?
G-MAN: Who is the Milkman?
RAZ: {Wakes up in Boyd’s house.}
BOYD: That book you found was dynamite! Blows the whole thing wide open.
RAZ: It does?
BOYD: Yes! I knew it! I was completely wrong about everything! But now I’ve got it!
BOYD: That book came from the Book Depository.
BOYD: They must want to make us think that’s where they want us to go, because they think we’ll think we know they know we know, so we won’t go!
RAZ: So I shouldn’t go to the Book Depository?
BOYD: Of course you’re going to the Book Depository! Take the sewers. Watch out for watchers. And radioactives. And perpetrators! Some of those sewer workers are involved, I think.
BOYD: You’ll need one of these…
RAZ: Now we’re talking!
BOYD: It’s fake. It will help you fit in around the other assassins.
RAZ: Assassins? Wait a second –
BOYD: {Kicks him out}
BOYD: Beware the cows! Not all milk is enriched!

* Boyd, after prior cutscene has played.
RAZ: How do I get through the sewers?
BOYD: Have you been to the post office yet? Maybe you could take a correspondence course.

~ Rainbow Squirt, near hedges.
RS: (whisper whisper)

~ Raz, after shooting/etc. security cameras in Post Office basement.
RAZ: I don’t want to hurt the cameras. They’re my only chance of seeing how to get through this basement.

* Boyd, after getting the plunger.
RAZ: Being an assassin is hard.
BOYD: You have to keep your guard up at all times. You gotta be like a turtle with a rocket strapped to his back. You know?

& After entering the sewers.
A!G-MAN: They got Freddy. Poor Freddy. He was such a good secret agent.
A!G-MAN: I mean, assassin. Who is shooting at us?

& Going up the Book Depository stairs.
RS: Freeze! Don’t come any closer!
RS: I’ll never tell you the location of the Milkman. Never!
RAZ: Okay, let’s all just settle down and talk –
RS: Ahhhh! {She jumps out the window.}
G-MAN: Where is the Milkman?
G-MAN: Who is the Milkman?
G-MAN: What is the mission of the Milkman?
RS: Co…uh…come closer (cough) and (cough) I-I’ll tell you (cough).
{She blows up her box of cookies and takes the G-Men with her.}
RAZ: Glad I never bought any of those.
RAZ: Hm. The view from up here is pretty good, but I still can’t see enough.
RAZ: I need a way to get even higher!
RAZ: Like, super high! As if I were flying!
RAZ: I KNOW! Maybe I could find some stilts!

* Empty air, while holding the helmet.
RAZ: Stop, helicopter! Land and let me in! I want to see the view from up there please!
RAZ: Hey, you in the helicopter! I’ve got a – oh they don’t care.

* Boyd, after the events in the Book Depository.
RAZ: Okay, I went to the Book Depository, and all that happened was a little girl jumped out a window. It was kind of depressing, actually.
BOYD: Did you talk to the birds up there? Did you ask them if they saw anything with their electric eyes?

& The helicopter sequence.
G-MAN: I am a helicopter pilot.
G-MAN: I like to fly helicopters.
G-MAN: We are looking for the Milkman.
G-MAN: We don’t know where he is.
G-MAN: Helicopters can go up and down.
RAZ: Man, these guys are dumb.
RAZ: Hey, wait. What’s that? I’ll bet that’s him!
RAZ: The Milkman!
G-MAN: Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes.
RAZ: He’s on that remote island over there.
RAZ: What the heck is that sound?

& Telephone sequence.
RAZ: Hello?
BOYD: Who is the Milkman?
RAZ: Boyd? Is this you? I think I found the Milkman!
BOYD: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who is this?
RAZ: Okay, from now on, your name isn’t Boyd. It’s “Roid.” Because you’re such a big pain in my butt.
BOYD: If you see a lady tossing her cookies, run away!
{He hangs up.}

* Boyd, after the telephone scene.
RAZ: Hey, I found the Milkman.
BOYD: Big deal. I knew where he was the whole time. Getting past the red head, that’s the problem.

* Knocking on the door and staying there, first time.
RS: Just a minute!

* Knocking on the door, if the last time you knocked she saw you.
RS: Coming!/Just a minute!/Be right there!
RS: It better not be that creepy guy again.

~ Having one of them see you.
RS: Ahhhh!

~ Rainbow Squirt, when she opens the door.
RS: Hello?

* Knocking on the door, if the last time you knocked she didn’t see you.
RS: Be right there!/Just a minute!/Coming!
RS: Gosh, I sure hope someone is there this time.
RS: Whoooooooo is it?

[2/4] Milkman Conspiracy

* Empty space, while holding stop sign.
RAZ: I am on the road crew. This is my stop sign.

* Empty space, while holding hedge trimmers.
RAZ: I like to trim hedges.

* Empty space, while holding flowers.
RAZ: I am a grieving widow.

* Empty space, while holding watering can.
RAZ: I’m watering!

* Empty space, while holding rolling pin.
RAZ: I am making a pie.

* Empty space, while holding gun.
RAZ: It’s fake. I’m worried the other assassins are going to make fun of me.

* Empty space, while holding the plunger.
RAZ: I work in the sewers.

* Boyd, while holding stop sign.
RAZ: STOP being crazy and tell me where the Milkman is.
BOYD: You think I’m crazy? What if I’m the only one who’s sane?

* Boyd, while holding crow feather.
BOYD: Ah! Get it off me! Black death!

* Boyd, while holding flowers.
RAZ: Are these a clue?
BOYD: Flowers to put on the grave of the truth, for those who mourn the loss of democracy!

* Boyd, while holding gun.
RAZ: Do you have a real one of these? Like the kind that shoots bullets?
BOYD: Give a loaded gun to a 10 year old? Do I look crazy to you?

* Boyd, while holding watering can.
RAZ: Look what I found.
BOYD: Shh! It may be bugged!

* Boyd, while holding rolling pin.
RAZ: Is this yours?
BOYD: No. I don’t trust pies.

* Boyd, while holding plunger.
RAZ: Look at this plunger I found in the basement of the post office.
BOYD: Gah! That’s the exact model they used to kill the ambassador with in ’63!

* Boyd, while holding phone.
RAZ: Hey, phone’s for you.
BOYD: Ahh! Get that away from me! I never talk on the phone. That’s how they get your location!

* Mailbox, while holding an item.
RAZ: I don’t want to mail that. I don’t want to mail anything in this creepy mailbox.

* Trash can, while holding an item.
RAZ: I don’t want to throw that away!

* Rainbow Squirt, while holding the Crow Feather.
RS: Hee hee hee!
RS: Creep.

~ Trying to trespass while using invisibility.
G-MAN: Please. Sir. We have infrared vision.

* Any G-Man besides Road Crew!G-Men, while holding stop sign.
RAZ: I am on the road crew. This is my stop sign.
G-MAN: We have no use for road work here.

* Any G-Man besides Hedge Trimmer!G-Men, while holding hedge trimmers.
RAZ: I like to trim hedges.
G-MAN: Why don’t you go do that, then? Somewhere else.

* Any G-Man besides Grieving Widow!G-Men, while holding flowers.
RAZ: I am a grieving widow.
G-MAN: I am sorry for your loss.

* Any G-Man besides Assassin!G-Men, while holding gun.
RAZ: It’s fake. I’m worried the other assassins are going to make fun of me.
G-MAN: You are a cold-blooded killer. But it takes all kinds to make a world.

* Any G-Man besides Waterer!G-Men, while holding watering can.
RAZ: I’m watering!
G-MAN: That is a fine vocation. You should practice it near some flowers.

* Any G-Man besides Houswife!G-Men, while holding rolling pin.
RAZ: I am making a pie.
G-MAN: I hope it is rhubarb pie because that is my favorite.

* Any G-Man besides Houswife!G-Men, while holding rolling pin.
RAZ: I am making a pie.
G-MAN: I like all pies except for rhubarb. Do you know that rhubarb is poisonous in large quantities?

* Any G-Man besides Sewer Worker!G-Men, while holding the plunger.
RAZ: I work in the sewer.
G-MAN: Gross. What a terrible job that must be. I would never let you date my daughter.

* Any G-Man besides Telephone!G-Men, while holding the telephone.
RAZ: I am a skilled phone repairer.
G-MAN: Yes. You should be over there, working on the phone lines.

* Any G-Man, while holding crow feather.
G-MAN: Please do not do that.

~ Any G-Man, when trespassing.
G-MAN: Stop! This is a restricted area!
RC!G-MAN: You are not on the road crew!
T!G-MAN: Only phone company employees may approach the pole!
HT!G-MAN: The hedge area is only for those who trim hedges.
H!G-MAN: Get out of my house!
SW!G-MAN: Sewer workers only!
GW!G-MAN: You have no flowers!
W!G-MAN: You can’t fool us! You have no water!
A!G-MAN: Assassins and their invited guests only!
G-MAN: Initiating arrest sequence!

& Getting arrested.
G-MAN: Come with us.

& Questioning. Some may be triggerable, but that’s too difficult to test.
G-MAN: What is the purpose of the goggles?
G-MAN: Who is the Milkman?
G-MAN: What is the Milkman’s location?
G-MAN: Why are you looking for the Milkman?
G-MAN: What is the mission of the Milkman?
G-MAN: Do you serve the Milkman?
G-MAN: How long have you been working for the Dairy industry?
G-MAN: What’s the Milkman like? Is he nice in person?
G-MAN: Where did you get the red sign?
G-MAN: We know who’s paying you.
G-MAN: Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Rainbow Squirts?
G-MAN: What did the Rainbow Squirt tell you?
G-MAN: Did you burn down the department store?
G-MAN: Do you look down on sewer workers?
G-MAN: Why did you punch that little girl?
G-MAN: What happened inside that house?
G-MAN: Why are you wearing gloves?
G-MAN: Why did you burn that bush?
G-MAN: How many fingers am I holding up?
G-MAN: Where were you born?
G-MAN: Who do you work for?
G-MAN: Are you aware you’re being followed?
G-MAN: Who do you think you’re fooling?
G-MAN: Are you addicted to getting arrested?
G-MAN: How much are they paying you?
G-MAN: What was in Cooper’s fridge?
G-MAN: What is your relationship to Cooper?

[3/4] Milkman Conspiracy

Road Crew!G-Men

*RC!G-MAN, no item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
RC!G-MAN: Sorry. Road crew only.

~ Road Crew!G-Man. Plays in random order.
RC!G-MAN: I am on the road crew.
RC!G-MAN: It is very hot here, working on the road.
RC!G-MAN: Not a through street.
RC!G-MAN: No ped xing.
RC!G-MAN: Stop.
RC!G-MAN: My red sign helps me work on the road.
RC!G-MAN: Slow to 15 mph.
RC!G-MAN: Look at that woman’s breasts. They’re large.
RC!G-MAN: No pedestrian traffic allowed.
RC!G-MAN: Caution, men working.
RC!G-MAN: Dangerous conditions ahead.
RC!G-MAN: Thank goodness it is Friday.
RC!G-MAN: The road is out, and we are working on it.
RC!G-MAN: I cannot wait until the next payday.
RC!G-MAN: Being on a road crew is arduous, but rewarding.

~ Road Crew!G-man, when you enter while holding a stop sign.
RC!G-MAN: Hello, fellow road crew worker! Welcome to the road crew.

* Road Crew!G-Man, while holding stop sign.
RAZ: I am on the road crew. This is my stop sign.
RC!G-MAN: Yes, we are all on the road crew. Our backs are killing us.

Telephone!G-Men

* Telephone!G-Man, no item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
T!G-MAN: Please stay back. There is a severe electrocution danger.

~ Telephone!G-Man.
T!G-MAN: I have a special phone.
T!G-MAN: I am fixing the telephone lines.
T!G-MAN: Operator?
T!G-MAN: Hello?
T!G-MAN: Someday, the popularity of mobile phones will make my job obsolete.
T!G-MAN: I can climb telephone poles.
T!G-MAN: Can you hear me?
T!G-MAN: This is my job, to work on the phone lines.
T!G-MAN: Testing, testing. One, two, three.
T!G-MAN: Is there anyone on the line?
T!G-MAN: I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility.

~ Telephone!G-Man, when you enter while holding the telephone.
T!G-MAN: Come work on the phone lines with us.

* Telephone!G-Man, while holding the telephone.
RAZ: I am a skilled phone repairer.
T!G-MAN: Glad to have you here on the job.

Hedge Trimmer!G-Men

* Hedge Trimmer!G-Man, no item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
HT!G-MAN: I cannot let someone near my hedges that has not been properly trained in the use of the trimmers!

~ Hedge Trimmer!G-Man.
HT!G-MAN: I am trimming this hedge.
HT!G-MAN: These are my hedge trimmers. They help me maintain my hedge.
HT!G-MAN: I wear sunscreen while trimming hedges to prevent melanomas from forming on my skin.
HT!G-MAN: My good landscaping adds to the property value of the entire neighborhood.
HT!G-MAN: Cutting the bush does not hurt it.
HT!G-MAN: Hedges become unruly over time, and need to be trimmed.
HT!G-MAN: This part of the hedge is too tall.
HT!G-MAN: I take pride in my well-landscaped yard.
HT!G-MAN: I take frequent breaks to avoid carpal tunnel syndrome.

* Hedge Trimmer!G-Man, while holding hedge trimmers.
RAZ: I like to trim hedges.
HT!G-MAN: It is a good day for that activity you mentioned. Please join me.

~ Hedge Trimmer!G-Man, when you enter while holding hedge trimmers.
HT!G-MAN: I am glad you are here, to help me trim hedges.

Housewife!G-Men

* Housewife!G-Man, when you are not holding an item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
H!G-MAN: This is my home, not Grand Central Station. Get out!

~ Housewife!G-man.
H!G-MAN: This is my house and I am responsible for its upkeep.
H!G-MAN: Apple pies are very popular.
H!G-MAN: When my husband drinks excessively, I may threaten him with this rolling pin, though we still love each other very much.
H!G-MAN: It is important not to use too much pressure when rolling out a pie crust.
H!G-MAN: Pies come in many flavors.
H!G-MAN: I am famous for my pie-making abilities.
H!G-MAN: Though I do not receive a paycheck, I consider my homemaking to be my occupation.
H!G-MAN: Cherry is a flavor of pie.
H!G-MAN: Pies are delicious.
H!G-MAN: Over time, my husband will desire me less sexually, but he will always enjoy my pies.
H!G-MAN: Children and adults both like to eat pies.
H!G-MAN: For the last several years, I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days.
H!G-MAN: Pie crusts should be rolled outwards, from the center.
H!G-MAN: Rhubarb is a controversial pie variety.

~ Housewife!G-Man, when you enter while holding the rolling pin.
H!G-MAN: Hello! Welcome to my house. Please stay and make pie. My stories are about to come on.

* Housewife!G-Man, while holding the rolling pin.
RAZ: I am making a pie.
H!G-MAN: I hope you are not trying to steal my husband, tramp.

Sewer Worker!G-Men

* Sewer Worker!G-Man, when you are not holding an item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
SW!G-MAN: The sewers are not safe for civilians. And…they smell very bad.

~ Sewer Worker!G-Man.
SW!G-MAN: We work in the sewer.
SW!G-MAN: I am a waste management technician.
SW!G-MAN: There are no documented cases of alligators found alive in sewers.
SW!G-MAN: Sewers are full of rats.
SW!G-MAN: This job is unsavory, but it must be performed by someone.
SW!G-MAN: I need to prevent blockages, and this device is one of my tools.
SW!G-MAN: The sewer carries human waste.
SW!G-MAN: The most pleasant sewers can be found in Paris, France.
SW!G-MAN: Feces.
SW!G-MAN: The sewer is very important, and we are responsible for its upkeep.
SW!G-MAN: Due to illegal disposal of hazardous material, sewer water is often highly radioactive.
SW!G-MAN: Though I often smell of excrement, I deserve your respect because I provide a valuable service.

~ SW!G-Man, when you enter while holding the plunger.
SW!G-MAN: Hello sewer worker. I think I met you at the union meeting.

* SW!G-Man, while holding the plunger.
RAZ: I work in the sewers.
SW!G-MAN: As do I. We must stick together against those who would judge us.

Grieving Widow!G-Men

* Grieving Widow!G-Man, when you are not holding an item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
GW!G-MAN: Sorry, we widows are busy grieving in here.

~ Grieving Widow!G-Man.
GW!G-MAN: I am a sad widow.
GW!G-MAN: Oh, boo hoo.
GW!G-MAN: Boo hoo.
GW!G-MAN: Boo hoo hoo.
GW!G-MAN: I do not know whether to remarry, or to remain loyal to my loved one.
GW!G-MAN: The cemetery is filled with dead people.
GW!G-MAN: I am sad.
GW!G-MAN: I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401(k) plan.
GW!G-MAN: I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive.
GW!G-MAN: Why, god, why?
GW!G-MAN: The dead people are underground, and I have brought flowers, because I am sad.
GW!G-MAN: I am alone now, and grieving.
GW!G-MAN: These flowers are a token of remembrance for my loved one.

~ Grieving Widow!G-Man, when you enter while holding flowers.
GW!G-MAN: Ah. I see that you are grieving. I will give you your space.

* Grieving Widow!G-Man, while holding flowers.
RAZ: I am a grieving widow.
GW!G-MAN: I am your sister in grief.

Waterer!G-Man

* Waterer!G-Man, when you are not holding an item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
W!G-MAN: Unless you have water for my plants, then we have no use for you in here.

~ Waterer!G-Man.
W!G-MAN: I am watering.
W!G-MAN: I enjoy watering.
W!G-MAN: This is my watering can. I use it on the plants to water them.
W!G-MAN: Plants need to have water poured on them because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.
W!G-MAN: It is a good day for watering plants.
W!G-MAN: Without water, these plants would die.
W!G-MAN: Water is important.

~ Waterer!G-Man, when you enter while holding a watering can.
W!G-MAN: That is a fine watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?

* Waterer!G-Man, while holding a watering can.
RAZ: I’m watering!
W!G-MAN: Me too! Perhaps we can share watering tips.

[4/4] Milkman Conspiracy + Den Mother Fight

Assassin!G-Men

* Assassin!G-Man, when you are not holding an item.
RAZ: Hey, I’m just going to walk through okay?
A!G-MAN: Haha. Do you not realize that we are deadly assassins? Are you not afraid?

~ Assassin!G-Man.
A!G-MAN: I am an assassin.
A!G-MAN: My motivations are clear only to myself.
A!G-MAN: I am found on rooftops, in clock towers and book depositories.
A!G-MAN: My gun is clean.
A!G-MAN: Adjustments need to be made when firing in the wind.
A!G-MAN: I am in charge of assassinating important figures.
A!G-MAN: Sometimes I work for the government.
A!G-MAN: I like to shoot people.
A!G-MAN: I do not kill out of passion, but for money.
A!G-MAN: This is my gun.

~ Assassin!G-Man, when you enter while holding the gun.
A!G-MAN: Watch out, fellow assassin. There seems to be someone shooting at us from that tower.

* Assassin!G-Man, while holding the gun.
RAZ: It’s fake. I’m worried the other assassins are going to make fun of me.
A!G-MAN: Shhh! Don’t broadcast that fact. They look real.

Den Mother FIght

* Den Mother.
RAZ: Hey, how about your Milkman friend just opens the gates to the asylum for me, then he can crawl right back in the fridge afterwards!

~ Den Mother, first part of the fight.
DM: God’s Eye!
DM: Die!
DM: BWAH HA HA HA!
DM: Ha!
DM: No milk for you!
DM: This box is free!
DM: Treats for you!
DM: Hi-ya!
DM: Have some cookies!
DM: Hy-yup!
DM: Ah ha ha ha!

~ Hitting her.
DM: Oof!
DM: Ooh!
DM: Grak!

& Initiating phase two.
DM: Enough! It’s time for me to pluck out your eyes!
RAZ: Ha! You can’t. THAT is the purpose of the goggles!
DM: Fine. Then I’ll do this.
DM: Hope you can see in the dark.
DM: Because I can! HA HA HA HA!

~ Hitting her, part two.
DM: Lucky shot!
DM: How did you know where I was?
DM: How can he see in the dark?

& Winning.
DM: Ooh!
DM: Ohhhhh…oh…

[1/2] Asylum Grounds

* People while holding Lili’s Bracelet.
RAZ: I don’t want to show anyone this bracelet. People will totally think we’re boyfriend-girlfriend.

~ Boyd, if you exit his mind without completing it.
BOYD: You, you’re a part of it! Stay away.

* Boyd, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, Boyd. Why are you trying to burn down the asylum?

* Boyd, second interaction.
BOYD: I am the Milkman.

* Boyd, third interaction.
BOYD: My employer has commissioned me to deliver this milk, to whitewash what went on here.

* Boyd, fourth interaction.
BOYD: I make sure no evidence is left of anything, except for milk.

* Boyd, fifth and all subsequent interactions.
BOYD: I cannot rest until I have made my final delivery.

~ After hitting the lift outside the asylum.
RAZ: Nope. Doesn’t look like it’s going to budge.

& Approaching Gloria.
GLORIA: Thank you, all of you! You’re all so kind! You make a girl so happy!

* Gloria, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me, ma’am, but did you see a girl –
GLORIA: You must be my new leading man! Aren’t you handsome? But my gracious, you’re so young! Tell me WHY do they keep casting me with such mere babes? I guess that’s the curse of having an eternally young face.

* Gloria, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: So, did you not see a girl come through here?
GLORIA: Handsome, I’m not the stage director. I don’t track the entrances and exits.

& Trying to pick up her trophy for the first time.
GLORIA: Oh, you found my old trophy!
GLORIA: I should really put that thing away, before somebody hurts themselves on that gleaming, metal clawlike part on the top.
GLORIA: Say, would you like to hear the story of how I won that award, dear boy?
GLORIA: Or are you trying to take it, because you think I don’t deserve it?
RAZ: No, no. You deserve it!
GLORIA: I didn’t take anything from you! I didn’t ask to be famous! I just wanted you to love me!
GLORIA: Hey…
RAZ: What?
GLORIA: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
RAZ: Gah!
GLORIA: Ahhhhh!

& Trying to pick up her trophy again.
GLORIA: Oh, you’re back to…
GLORIA: Take away everything I’ve worked for because you’re jealous!
RAZ: Gah!

~ If you destroy her potted plants.
GLORIA: Please, don’t bother my audience.

& Entering the courtyard.
N!FRED: Attack!
FRED: No, wait! Don’t listen to him! Retreat!
N!FRED: Shut up you fool! The battle is ours! Wellington is on the run! This is our moment of glory!
CRISPIN: Ah, shut up, you loon!
FRED: The battle can’t be won. We’re going to lose it.
CRISPIN: I’m afraid you lost it years ago, Fred. Now pipe down over there. I am the orderly and I run a quiet, peaceful insane asylum. Understood?
EDGAR: Ahhhhhhh!
CRISPIN: Oh, now, see? You’ve disrupted Mr. Teglee’s art therapy session.
N!FRED: Ha ha! Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
CRISPIN: Whatever.

~ Fred and Napoleon!Fred. Plays in random order.
FRED: I don’t want to play anymore!
N!FRED: Ahh! Reinforcements!
FRED: You think I’m dumb, don’t you?
N!FRED: Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
FRED: Oh oh oh!
N!FRED: This golden day is ours!
FRED: I’m going to lose, I’m going to lose, I’m going to lose…
FRED: I may be dumb, but I’m in charge!
N!FRED: Ha ha!
N!FRED: More wine!
FRED: Stop dying! Get up and stop dying!
N!FRED: March-ez-vous!
FRED: Everything’s on fire! We’re all going to burn!
N!FRED: You are a stinking disgrace to your family, stinker!
FRED: Run over there and poke that guy with your gun knife thing!
FRED: Uggg! Why won’t that guy just shut up?
FRED: Hey, can we take a break? I need a quick disco nap.
N!FRED: Another easy victory for Napoleon Bonaparte!
FRED: These boys are too young to die! I’M too young to die!
N!FRED: Ha ha! Soon we shall feast upon the sweet, buttery snails of victory!
FRED: Oh, you want a court martial too? I got one for you too! And you, buddy!
FRED: What am I supposed to do?
CRISPIN: Behind you, general!
CRISPIN: Just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I’m not watching!
N!FRED: Now then…
CRISPIN: Oh, good move, mate.
FRED: Okay, everybody who’s still in the army, please raise your hands, unless you are dead.
N!FRED: Weakling! Shut up! You call yourself by the name Bonaparte?
CRISPIN: Got ‘em on the run now, eh, Bonaparte?
N!FRED: We are on our way back to town!
FRED: Ahhh!
CRISPIN: I hear you out there Fred!
N!FRED: The sun is bright, the enemy is weak, and there is cheese back in the tent.
FRED: I thought I had a spy! Where’d I put my dang spy?
CRISPIN: Don’t throw in the towel just yet!
CRISPIN: You’ve still got a few more hens in your musket!
FRED: Where’d everybody go? Is everybody dead?
N!FRED: Enfants de la Patrie!
FRED: Hey, I’m tired too. But you don’t see me lying down in the shade, now do you?
FRED: Kill for daddy!
N!FRED: Let’s take it to the chateaux, boys!
FRED: Retreat!
FRED: Do the other thing!
FRED: This is the worst. I hate this stupid game.
FRED: I never asked for this war!
FRED: He calls this a game, but all I see is death.
FRED: Oh, man. Where’s my cannon? Did we lose a cannon?
N!FRED: Allons enfants!
FRED: Why are you all working against me?
N!FRED: Back on your horse, soldier! Tout de suite!
N!FRED: Hah hah hah hah hah!
FRED: Everything’s going black.
N!FRED: Le Fire!
FRED: I am your commanding officer! You have to listen to me! That is an actual rule!
N!FRED: Ah, my trusted spy! Tell me what you know!
FRED: Why aren’t you attacking?

~ Crispin. Loops.
CRISPIN: Heh. Look at ‘im.
CRISPIN: Sad isn’t it?
CRISPIN: He used to be just an average loon – didn’t embarrass himself so much.
CRISPIN: Now he’s all kiltery-jiltery.
CRISPIN: I used to play that little war game with him back when it WAS just a game to him.
CRISPIN: Last time we played he lost the game and his mind. Now he thinks he’s Napoleon of course.
CRISPIN: Reduced to a cracker factory cliché!
CRISPIN: One pickle short of a Sunday spice can, wouldn’t you say?
CRISPIN: Not much brine in his brisket, if you know what I mean.
CRISPIN: Poor bastard.
CRISPIN: Got a meter on his melon like a half sack of cherries.
CRISPIN: Tell me, what’s he doing now? I can’t see from here. Is he winning or losing?

* Fred, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me, sir?
N!FRED: My name is Napoleon Bonaparte!
RAZ: Oh! Uh…excuse me…Mr. Bonaparte?
FRED: Shhh! I only THINK I’m Napoleon Bonaparte.
N!FRED: Do not listen to the weakling! He denies his lineage because he fears it!
FRED: You’ll have to excuse me. I’m busy losing a battle with my sanity here.
N!FRED: For France!

* Fred, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: I like your jacket. Very strappy!
FRED: You want it? You can have it! Just help me undo these buckles in the back and –
N!FRED: What are you doing?! The uniform of this army is sacred! We shall wear it proudly until the battle is over.
FRED: (Help me!)

* Crispin, first interaction.
CRISPIN: Greetings, Doctor Loboto!
CRISPIN: Up to the secret laboratory then, is it?
CRISPIN: One moment…
CRISPIN: You’re not Doctor Loboto!
CRISPIN: My eyes may be half gone, but I would recognize the mad doctor anywhere!
CRISPIN: He’s got that stone cold face a man doesn’t easily forget…
CRISPIN: He wears a beastly smock, covered in thick straps like an electric chair…
CRISPIN: And in the place where his hand should be, there’s nothing but a gleaming, metal claw.
CRISPIN: So if I’m not mistaken, you’re not Doctor Loboto, and you don’t pay my salary so kindly back away from my elevator and die.
CRISPIN: Thank you, sir.

[2/2] Asylum Grounds

* Crispin, after first interaction, if wearing no costume parts.
CRISPIN: Greetings, Doctor Loboto!
CRISPIN: One moment…
CRISPIN: If you’re Doctor Loboto…
CRISPIN: What happened to your face?
CRISPIN: Where’s your strappy jacket?
CRISPIN: Did you have a human hand reattached to your arm, or…?
CRISPIN: You inmates are getting ever more clever, but…
CRISPIN: You still can’t fool old Crispin Whytehead.
CRISPIN: I’m an orderly, you know. I am NOT an imposter.
CRISPIN: Good day.

* Edgar, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, how’s that painting of Doctor Loboto coming along? You know, I’ll deliver it for you as soon as it’s finished.
EDGAR: Silence! I am conceptualizing.

~ When you knock over his cards.
EDGAR: Ah, you try my patience, Razputin!

~ If you exit Gloria’s mind before completing it.
GLORIA: You can walk away from the stage young man, but showbusiness will always be a part of you.

& Finishing Gloria’s Theater.
GLORIA: Handsome, the spotlight is all yours.
GLORIA: I believe I shall happily retire…while I’m still young.

~ Getting the trophy.
RAZ: Finally! recognition for my acting talents!

* Gloria, after Gloria’s Theater.
RAZ: What are you doing out here, Gloria?
GLORIA: I can’t remember the last time I came out here at night. It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?
GLORIA: These plants could use a little water, though. Now where’s that hose?

* Gloria, while holding the trophy.
RAZ: No, I want it.

[1/4] Gloria’s Theater

& Entering the level.
BECKY: CUT!
BECKY: Hey! Kid! Can’t you see I’m trying to produce a play here?
RAZ: Uh…no.
BECKY: Oh god!
BECKY: Even a child can see I’ve lost control of this production!
BECKY: Okay, Becky, get a grip…
RAZ: Child?
BECKY: Look, kid, it wasn’t always like this! We used to have a hit show on our hands! Everybody loved us!
BECKY: But then our big star, Bonita Soleil, got stage fright and locked herself in her dressing room!
BECKY: So now we’re stuck flipping between “Sunshine Shenanigans” and “The Horror of Hagatha Home!”
JASPER: Which is like flipping between a root canal and a sharp stick in the eye!
BECKY: Just ignore Jasper. He’s just a critic, who happens to be right.
RAZ: I’ll go talk to Bonita. I’m sure all she needs is a little pep talk.
JASPER: That, and acting lessons.
BECKY: If you can get Bonita to take the stage again, then you’re the star of my show, kid.

* Becky, first interaction.
RAZ: Everything under control there, Becky?
BECKY: Ah! Why did you say that? What have you heard?
BECKY: EVERYTHING’S FINE except that our production has no star!
BECKY: You get Bonita Soleil to perform again, and everything will be GREAT.
BECKY: Her dressing room is behind the stage to the right, and at the end of the hall.

* Becky, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Everything okay there, Becky?
BECKY: You get Bonita Soleil to perform again, and everything will be GREAT.
BECKY: Her dressing room is behind the stage to the right, and at the end of the hall.

~ Becky.
BECKY: Oh, what a disaster!
BECKY: Why do you all hate me!?!
BECKY: God.
BECKY: Okay. Okay. Okay.
BECKY: I have GOT to get control over this production!
BECKY: If only Bonita would come out here and do her thing!
BECKY: Okay, Becky, get a grip!
BECKY: Everything is as it should be!
BECKY: A place for every actor and every actor in their place!
BECKY: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
BECKY: I am in control. I am in control. I am in control.
BECKY: People are listening to me. People listen to me. People care about what I have to say. People respect me. People are listening to me.
BECKY: Ah hoo hoo hoo!
BECKY: I am NOT crying.

* Jasper.
RAZ: Maybe I should come back later when he’s not sleeping. He looks too mean to wake up.

* The spotlight.
RAZ: Looks like it needs a candle to work.

~ When Bonita closes the door on you.
RAZ: Hey!
RAZ: Guess she really doesn’t want to see anyone right now.

* Bonita, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me, Miss Soleil? I heard you were feeling bad, so I just wanted to say that…
RAZ: …Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone.
RAZ: I used to be a performer myself and I know how hard it is when –
BONITA: Kid, can’t you see I’m trying to have a moment here?
RAZ: Whoa. Sorry. I was looking for Bonita Soleil.
BONITA: You mean the personal muse of Gloria Von Gouten? Her inner sunshine?
RAZ: The spirit of her youth, yes.
BONITA: That’s me. Whaddya want? An autograph? I’m kind of busy here.

* First dialogue option.
RAZ: They need you on stage right away for your big number!
BONITA: Am I not playing this right or something? I’m drowning in a quagmire of self pity!
BONITA: Why aren’t you getting that? Should I be doing more with my hands?

* First dialogue option, continued.
RAZ: So you’re not going out on stage?
BONITA: Have you seen any of the plays we put on here? Those god-awful slices of Gloria’s terrible life?
BONITA: How am I supposed to bring light to those?
BONITA: Listen, the burden of being the only sunshine in this theater is just too much for one beautiful, glowing, inspirational muse to bear you know?

* First dialogue option, continued.
RAZ: Is there any way I can get you to take the stage? For the fans?
BONITA: If you can get me some help out there, so I’m not the only light on the set…
RAZ: I’ll turn on a spotlight!
BONITA: Eh, that could work, but you’ll need a candle…
BONITA: I think there might be a spare in the storeroom.
BONITA: If you can get a candle into a spotlight and light it, I’ll come out and give the show one last try.
BONITA: But I’m not promising anything!

* First dialogue option, continued, when you haven’t lit the spotlight.
RAZ: So, are you ready for your big number?
BONITA: Did you put a candle in that spotlight and light it yet?
RAZ: No. But I’m ABOUT to, so uh…five minutes, Miss Soleil!
BONITA: Thanks, sonny.

* Second dialogue option.
RAZ: So who’s that crying?
BONITA: Oh, sorry –
BONITA: Hey, can we kill the waterworks for a second?
BONITA: Thanks.
BONITA: It’s a recording. It helps me focus.

* Third dialogue option.
RAZ: I’ll leave you alone now. I know you have a lot of crying to do.
BONITA: Thank you. Now where was I?

~ When you break something in Bonita’s room.
BONITA: Hey! Careful!

* Becky, while holding the candle.
BECKY: Hey, why don’t you make yourself useful and put that candle in one of those big spotlights up there!

* The spotlight, when the candle is loaded inside it.
RAZ: Now, how can I light that candle?

& After the Phantom cutscene.
BECKY: Hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa CAREFUL!
BECKY: That’s the manual mood override. That’s how we set the right mood for the play.
BECKY: Mess with that, and we’ll have happy plays on sad sets, sad plays on happy sets…
BECKY: Total chaos. Or worse – IMPROV.
BECKY: So whatever you do…
BECKY: Don’t mess with the manual mood override unless you want to see some strange stuff happen!
RAZ: I think Becky’s not telling me the whole story.
RAZ: I should go give her a piece of my mind.

* Becky, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, you said that if Bonita performed, everything would be okay.
BECKY: Okay, so I left out the part about the deadly Phantom. I thought you’d chicken out!
RAZ: Ma’am. I’m a Psychonaut. Just show me how to get up to those catwalks he hangs out in and –
BECKY: Sorry. No way up there.
BECKY: Well, there was this ONE play…
BECKY: We would lower this prop hot air balloon down from the catwalks, and then pull it back up again…
BECKY: If you find it – or any other play for crying out loud – just bring it to me and I’ll run the actors through it.
BECKY: We’re so desperate for new material around here!

* Becky, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: So how do I get up to the catwalks?
BECKY: Bring me all the scripts you find, and maybe one of them will bring that hot air balloon down.
BECKY: …If you play it on the right set.

* Jasper, first interaction.
RAZ: Hey, can you help me get up to the catwalks so I can fight that phantom?
JASPER: Ha! Can’t get there from here! Ha ha ha!
JASPER: I mean, unless you did that one, particular play on that one, particular set…
JASPER: Oh, but what am I saying? That’s almost impossible.
JASPER: Forget about it. The theater is doomed!

* Jasper, first dialogue option.
RAZ: Hey, why do you have to be so hard on Bonita?
JASPER: I’m trying to save you from that mysterious Phantom character!
JASPER: He only attacks when Bonita performs!
JASPER: If we got rid of Little Miss Sunshine, we’d all be safer now wouldn’t we?
JASPER: I’m only thinking of the children.

* Jasper, first dialogue option, continued.
RAZ: Bonita’s just trying to lighten things up around here!
JASPER: Ha! I’ve seen better shines on a shoe!
JASPER: She should quit now, while she can still get a job as a night light.

* Jasper, second dialogue option.
RAZ: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
JASPER: The young boy’s protests, though heartfelt, quickly lapsed into simplistic and tedious platitudes. One and a half stars!

* Jasper, third dialogue option.
RAZ: If you hate the show so much, why don’t you just leave?
JASPER: I can’t stop looking at it. It’s like the sight of a horrible car accident.
JASPER: A car accident where the victims can’t act, and the paramedics forget their lines.

[2/4] Gloria’s Theater

* Jasper, last dialogue option.
RAZ: Alright, later, you old gas bag.
JASPER: Listen, this play just stinks. Here. Try this one instead.
JASPER: This play has some ACTION in it, some zing!
RAZ: Wow, thanks. Are you actually being nice?
JASPER: No! I’m just trying to keep myself halfway entertained!
JAPSER: Go! Give that to Becky and see if she can’t find some actors to ruin it!

* Jasper, second interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me, Mr. Rolls, but do you have any more scripts?
JASPER: Ah, you’ve tasted excellence and now you’re back, begging for another bowl of quality theater?
RAZ: Not really. But I think that if I find a play that moves the props around in just the right way, I can get up to the catwalks and fight the Phantom!
JASPER: Ew, oh. Unfortunately for you that’s the last script I’ll waste on this theater.
JASPER: I’m saving the rest for Broadway!
{Raz dances.}
JASPER: Just dig around the sets. I’m sure you’ll find some horrible scripts in there.
JASPER: Oh, except do NOT do that, because they certainly would NOT help you get to the catwalks, which are very dangerous anyway, so give up.

* Jasper, third interaction.
RAZ: You’re mean and fat.
JASPER: And?
RAZ: Just giving you the update.

* Jasper, fourth and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: You’re mean and fat.
JASPER: At least I’m good at it.

* Bonita, first dialogue option.
RAZ: Now you see, that performance is exactly why we need to practice.
BONITA: Beat it, kid, I’m through.
BONITA: As long as Jasper and that Phantom are out there, I’m staying back here…
BONITA: …Wallowing in my glamorous torment.

* Bonita, second dialogue option.
RAZ: The show must go on!
BONITA: Yeah, it must go on without me, as long as Jasper Rolls and that Phantom are out there!
BONITA: Sorry, kid.

* Bonita, third dialogue option.
RAZ: You’re not scared of that Phantom are you?
BONITA: No, it’s not him I’m frightened of.
BONITA: It’s that fat one who clings to the side of the theater like a blood-swollen tick, sucking out its life.
RAZ: Ew.
BONITA: He’s always been there, but he wasn’t always so big and loud.
BONITA: I couldn’t hear him much at all, really, until Gloria’s mother hit the stage.
RAZ: He didn’t like her performance either?
BONITA: No, I mean HIT the stage. Ker-splat.
BONITA: Jumped from the catwalks while Gloria was in Paris.
RAZ: Ew.
BONITA: Yeah, that’s what the janitor said too.

* Bonita, final dialogue option.
RAZ: I’ll leave you alone know. I know you have a lot of crying to do.

* Becky, after getting the Knight of Joy script.
BECKY: Hey, what’s this? A new script?
BECKY: “Knight of Joy?”
BECKY: Weird. It smells like popcorn. And it doesn’t say what set to play it on…
BECKY: Oh well. We’ll just play it on whatever’s on stage. I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
BECKY: Here. You can be my first A.D.
BECKY: Use the megaphone if you want to run the play again.
BECKY: Okay! New script everybody! Let’s practice!
BECKY: Aaaand action!

* Becky, after getting the Day the Mail Boat Finally Came script.
BECKY: Oh, another script!
BECKY: “The Day the Mail Boat Finally Came.”
BECKY: Uh-oh.
BECKY: Prop department, I’m going to need a boat on stage right away.
BECKY: Okay, people! Places everyone!
BECKY: Aaaand action!

* Becky, after getting the Goodbye Hagatha Home script.
BECKY: “Goodbye Hagatha Home.”
BECKY: Hey, I—I think this is the one with the –
BECKY: Hey, props. Is that hot air balloon still working?
BECKY: Let’s hustle people! It’s show time!
BECKY: That means you too, kid. You gotta hustle up to that balloon if you want to get up to the catwalks.
BECKY: Aaaand action!

& Maypole.
PINK: Oh, who would have thought that I, Gloria Von Gouton, would be starring in my own Broadway musical at such a young age?
PINK: I hope my mother is proud of me. Well, here it goes!
BLUE: Huzzah! Forsooth! What is thine sweet smell in the aire?
ORANGE: Let us spin and be happy, entwined in this pole of love, forever young and twisty!
PINK: Rejoice! For Spring has besatten upon ourselves, and the spirit of May is a-lingering!
PINK/ORANGE/BLUE: Hooray! Maypole! Maypole! Maypole!

& Welcome to Hagatha Home.
BLUE: Bwah-ha-ha! Welcome to Hagatha Home School for Girls, where you will begin your long and painful training in the theatrical disciplines. Bwah-ha-ha.
PINK: But I don’t want to study theater! I want my mom to come take me home right now!
ORANGE: Your mom has a career and a boyfriend to think about. She doesn’t have time for an ugly little girl like you!
PINK: Boo hoo hoo!
BLUE: There is nothing more tedious than the tears of an unlovable child.
ORANGE: It’s time to suffer for your art!

& Seaside Mansion.
PINK: Oh, my dear Mother! Do you not love my new seaside mansion, bought with a fraction of the wealth my overnight success has given me?
ORANGE: Yes, Gloria, my daughter. I only live to make you happy.
PINK: We are so lucky to be together again so that I could share it all with you, and also that you are not even jealous of my youth and fame, though my star has risen so much faster and grown so much bigger than that of yours, which has so quickly faded!
ORANGE: Yes.

& Dragon.
PINK: Wherefore art thou, o elusive mail boat? How I yearn for the shores of my loneliness to be creased by your sturdy keel!
ORANGE: The mail boat ain’t comin’ for you, girly!
BLUE: The mail boat may never come, but I think I see the mail TRAIN approacheth through yon tunnel!
PINK: Mail train? Yay! Surely it bears to me a letter from my dear mother who abandoned me at this school for girls so long ago!
PINK: A dragon? Ahhhh!
BLUE: Ha ha ha! ‘Tis a dragon indeed. You have been fooled and burned.
ORANGE: Outstanding!

[3/4] Gloria’s Theater

& Escape.
PINK: Goodbye, my previously dear mother! I flee now to Europe to escape your insane jealousy over my amazing career!
ORANGE: Please do not leave me, Gloria my daughter! Go now and I shall do something unto myself both drastic and traumatizing to you emotionally!
PINK: Care, I do not, for you sicken me with disgust. Adieu, ma mère. Adieu.

& Shipping Off.
ORANGE: Pray tell me, my shady manager and rumored lover, must I truly ship my only daughter Gloria off to Hagatha Home School for Girls?
BLUE: Yes, and immediately, before she ruins our career. I mean your career.
PINK: No! Never shall I go!
ORANGE: Worry not, baby daughter, for I every day shall write to you!
BLUE: Yes. And I shall mail the letters myself. Personally. Bwah ha!

& Knight of Joy, on Seaside Mansion.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
PINK: Woooooow.
{The Knight runs into the wall and explodes. The audience laughs.}
PINK: Daddy?

& Knight of Joy, on Welcome to Hagatha Home.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
PINK: Yeah, just ride on by, Sir Deadbeat Dad. Don’t hang around to help raise your poor daughter.
PINK: Jerk.

& Knight of Joy, on Maypole.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
PINK: Woooooow.

& Knight of Joy, on Dragon.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
PINK: My father has nobly smoten the beast to his own death! He is a hero!
ORANGE: Yay, and for the record, not a bad kisser.

& Knight of Joy, on Dragon, after the first time.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
PINK: It was more exciting the first time.
ORANGE: It always is, honey.

& Knight of Joy, on Escape.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
{The knight rides in and then falls into the water.}
PINK: (Gasp!)
ORANGE: Yes, though you would never think, the thing that killed him was the drink.

& Knight of Joy, on Shipping Off.
PINK: Mother, Mother, tell me true of the dad I never knew.
ORANGE: He was brave in thought and deed. Can’t you hear his mighty steed?
{The knight rides in and falls into the water.}
ORANGE: Ah-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
ORANGE: Ah-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
PINK: Idiot.

& Day the Mailboat, on Dragon.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
PINK: Ah, ‘twas never a vessel so beautiful and resplendified!
BLUE: Sorry, no mail for you, ugly girl.
PINK: Waaaa!
ORANGE: Ha ha! In your face, fatty.

& Day the Mailboat, on Welcome to Hagatha Home.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
PINK: I SAID, I BELIEVE I DO see the MAIL BOAT APPROACHING!
PINK: Hm, I wonder if the captain of the boat wants to get beat up, and maybe that’s why he’s taking so long to bring it on stage?
BLUE: Somebody come help me drag this thing!
ORANGE: Drag?? No way.
PINK: Oh look. The mail boat sank and everybody died. The end!

& Day the Mailboat, on Maypole.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
PINK: I SAID, I BELIEVE I DO see the MAIL BOAT APPROACHING!
PINK: Uh, I wonder what is taking the mail boat so long to get here, after I clearly declared that I have seen it approaching?
BLUE: We can’t find the wheels for the boat!
ORANGE: We’re SUPPOSED to have water for the boat to float on!
PINK: I swear, I can’t work like this.
ORANGE: Seriously. I’m calling my agent.

& Day the Mailboat, on Seaside Mansion.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
PINK: Ah, ‘twas never a vessel so beautiful and resplendified!
BLUE: Are you Miss Gloria Von Gouton?
PINK: Yes!
BLUE: Well, then these bags and bags of lavender-scented fanmail must be for your beautiful self!
PINK: Yay!

& Day the Mailboat, on Escape.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
BLUE: I’ll just step off onto the shore here and say my next line…
{He falls into the water.}
BLUE: Waah!
PINK: You okay down there?

& Day the Mailboat, on Shipping Off.
PINK: I say, I do believe I see the mail boat approaching!
BLUE: Okay, let me just step onto the shore that I’m sure must be here by now.
{He falls into the water.}
BLUE: Waah!
PINK: Way to blow your lines, moron.

& Goodbye, Hagatha Home on sad sets.
PINK: Sigh, when will my mother ever come take me home from this horrible school for girls?
ORANGE: Do not worry, for I believe I see them floating here now in a magical balloon.
ORANGE: Hey, cue the magical balloon, moron!
BLUE: Hey, there’s no magical balloon on this set, but that won’t stop me from jumping down there and kicking your ass so watch it!
ORANGE: Grrr!

& Goodbye, Hagatha Home on Happy sets.
PINK: Sigh, when will my mother ever come take me home from this horrible school for girls?
ORANGE: Do not worry, for I believe I see them floating here now in a magical balloon.
BLUE: Hey! Pssst!
ORANGE: What?
BLUE: There’s no magical cloud in this set.
ORANGE: Rats. Well, let’s just run around happily and maybe no one will notice.

& Goodbye Hagatha Home on Hagatha Home set.
PINK: Oh, sigh.
ORANGE: Whatever is wrong, little girl?
PINK: Well, my family has left me alone in a bad, bad place for many years, and I don’t know if they will ever come back for me.
ORANGE: Ah, don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll come for you and you’ll never have to think of that bad place again, ever.
PINK: Hey, you’re right! I think I see them now!
BLUE: Hello, my dear beloved daughter. We have come back for you. Please come with us and be happy and never think of this terrible, terrible place again!
PINK: Yay!
PINK: THE END.

* Dog character, happy setting.
RAZ: Good boy!
DOG: Ruff! Ruff!

* Dog character, sad setting.
RAZ: Good boy!
DOG: You’re dead, buddy!

* Pink flower character, happy setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
PINK: I am playing the part of Gloria Von Gouton, once famous star of stage and screen!

* Pink flower character, sad setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
PINK: I am playing the part of young Gloria Von Gouton, sent away from home by her mother, and her shady manager. Can’t you tell, jerk?

* Orange flower character, happy setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
ORANGE: I am playing the part of Gloria’s washed up and embittered mother!

* Orange flower character, sad setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
ORANGE: Duh, I’m one of Gloria’s mean schoolmates, at Hagatha home. Or else I’m her mother. Wait what set am I on? Ah, who cares.

* Blue flower character, happy setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
BLUE: Well, I have a lot of walk on bits. Oh, and sometimes I do the mail boat guy. It’s a small part, but my agent says this is going to be my year!

* Blue flower character, sad setting.
RAZ: Hey, what part are you playing!
BLUE: None of your business! Sometimes I’m Mean Schoolgirl Number 1. Sometimes I’m the shady manager. Right now I’m just really irritated. With you.

* Bird character, happy setting.
RAZ: Sing, birdie!
BIRD: La la la!

* Bird character, sad setting.
RAZ: Sing, birdie!
BIRD: Get bent.

* The Mood Override, on happy.
RAZ: Gloria must be in a good mood right now.

* The Mood Override, on sad.
RAZ: Ooh, I’ll bet Gloria is in a bad mood now.

* The dragon.
RAZ: That dragon looks pretty fierce. I wonder who can slay such a beast?

[4/4] Gloria’s Theater + Jasper Fight

Megaphone Convos

Out of range.
RAZ: Becky can you hear me?
RAZ: Must be out of range.

Knight of Joy.
RAZ: Becky, can we see “The Knight of Joy” again?
BECKY: Yeah, that one could use a little work.

The Day the Mail Boat Finally Came
RAZ: “The Day the Mail Boat Finally Came” needs another run-through, I think.
BECKY: Yeah, that one could use a little work.

Goodbye Hagatha Home.
RAZ: Let’s do “Goodbye Hagatha Home” once more, okay?
BECKY: Yeah, that one could use a little work.

Exiting.
RAZ: Doing a great job, Becky.
BECKY: Aw!

Catwalks

~ Phantom. Loops.
PHANTOM: Heh heh heh…
PHANTOM: Heh heh heh…
PHANTOM: You are not welcome here!
PHANTOM: This is my sanctuary!
PHANTOM: Come no closer, or it will be the last thing you do!
PHANTOM: I am…The Phantom!
PHANTOM: Bwah ha ha ha!
PHANTOM: Ha ha ha!
PHANTOM: I see you down there!
PHANTOM: Look out below!
PHANTOM: I’m a little teapot, short and stout.
PHANTOM: Here is my handle. Here is my spout.
PHANTOM: Just kidding! I AM THE PHANTOM!

~ After you fall.
PHANTOM: Watch your step!
PHANTOM: Break a leg!
PHANTOM: Ha, just like Gloria’s mother!
PHANTOM: In theater, it’s a long way to the bottom!
PHANTOM: I warned you!

& The Phantom.
PHANTOM: How dare you violate the sanctuary of…
PHANTOM: THE PHANTOM!
PHANTOM: Stop, or your next step will be your last!

* The device.
RAZ: Looks like it needs a candle to work.

* The device, when it has a candle in it.
RAZ: Now…how can I light that candle?

& Lighting the candle.
PHANTOM: Ahhhhhhh! Cruel sunlight!
PHANTOM: Anything but that!
PHANTOM: Treacherous child, you shall pay for angering…The Phan –
RAZ: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Now just stay put so I can come punch you and unmask you.

Jasper Fight

~ Jasper.
JASPER: HA HA HA!
JASPER: Ho ho ho!
JASPER: Your moves are derivative and mechanical.
JASPER: Ho ho, sad.
JASPER: Tedious!
JASPER: Not good enough!
JASPER: A terrible fighter, not up to the task at hand!
JASPER: Just plain bad!
JASPER: The crowd would have been disgusted, had they managed to stay awake!
JASPER: Oh, your technique is bland, yet irritating.
JASPER: HO HO HO!
JASPER: Your fighting is weak, uninspired, and flat as a pancake.
JASPER: HEH HEH HEH!

~ If you try shooting him.
JASPER: Ha! Hahaha! Reinforced balcony! A must for any critic!
RAZ: Any fat critic.

~ Jasper, getting hit by a spotlight.
JASPER: Ahhhhhh! That light!
JASPER: It’s like my retinas are being fried in a pan!
JASPER: Why didn’t I bring my sunglasses?
JASPER: Gahhhh!
JASPER: Horrible, hot beam of ocular agony!

~ Jasper, ordering your death.
JASPER: I’ll give you all good write-ups in the review if you KILL THAT KID WITH THE GOGGLES!
JASPER: Kill him! Get him!
JASPER: Kill him before he gets over here.

~ Hitting him.
JASPER: You’ll pay for that one, brat!
JASPER: Ow!

~ Jasper, getting up again, but not having reached a health gate.
JASPER: Ha! Not so fast!

& After he gets up the first time.
JASPER: You’ll pay for that one, SPOTLIGHT!
JASPER: Take that, wretched regurgitator of the sun!

* A broken spotlight.
RAZ: Jasper really did a number on this spotlight. I’m going to have to use another one.

& After he gets up the second time.
JASPER: Oh, another spotlight! I thought I got ‘em all!
JASPER: I’ll give you what I gave your brother over there. Huh? How do you like that?!

~ Jasper, getting up again.
JASPER: Ha! Not so fast!

& Jasper, defeat.
JASPER: Ahhhh! Oohhhh! (Cough.)
JASPER: What’s the matter? Can’t you take a little criticism?
JASPER: Ooohhh ooohohohohhhhh…

[1/4] Waterloo World

* Napoleon or Fred.
RAZ: Who’s winning?
NAPOLEON: Nobody’s winning! Want to know who’s losing? The Bonaparte family name!
FRED: Look, I forfeit, okay? You win! Napoleon Bonaparte wins again!
RAZ: Is that the real Napoleon Bonaparte? I mean the imaginary real Napoleon Bonaparte?
FRED: Yeah, I’m actually related to him, can you believe it?
NAPOLEON: Shut up! Stop telling people that shameful fact!
NAPOLEON: I don’t even want to be here, but when this sad excuse for a Bonaparte lost a simple game of war to a feeble-minded invalid, I just could not take it anymore!
NAPOLEON: I was forced to take control, and I will stay in control until I beat the love of victory into this degenerate swine who dares to call himself a Bonaparte!
FRED: No, really, great great great grandpa Napoleon, I do love victory like…
FRED: …A ton. I love it so much. You can go now. I swear.
NAPOLEON: Your move!

* Fred.
RAZ: Who’s winning now?
FRED: Who do ya think?

* Napoleon.
RAZ: Who’s winning now?
NAPOLEON: Hah ha ha.

~ Napoleon and Fred.
NAPOLEON: Geh!
NAPOLEON: Hm.
NAPOLEON: Hm…
NAPOLEON: Hm-hmm.
NAPOLEON: Hah ha ha.

& Entering the game board for the first time.
G!NAPOLEON: What’s this? My lazy opponent is actually trying to win? He has sent in reinforcements! Well well! Then let zee game truly begin! Send in my best soldier!
G!NAPOLEON: You! Destroy that bridge! For France!
SOLDIER1: For France!
SOLDIER1: I hate you stupid bridge! This is how much I hate you!
SOLDIER1: Haha! Suck on that, bridge!
SOLDIER1: Ah, yes. Now, I shall go torment this poor peasant over here. Haha!
FRED: Oh, man, now look! The bridge is broken and I can’t move my pieces past it anymore. I quit. Napoleon, you win.
RAZ: No! We don’t forfeit! We’re going to beat you Mr. …genetic memory of Napoleon Bonaparte!
G!NAPOLEON: Haha! I like your je ne sais quoi! Your JOI DE VIVRE! Maybe you can teach my long-legged nincompoop a lesson, eh?

* Game!Napoleon, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me, Mr. Bonaparte? But how do you play this game?
G!NAPOLEON: Ah, this game is so easy, even a child like you can play it.
G!NAPOLEON: All my worthless descendent has to do is move a Knight piece into the center of my stronghold.
G!NAPOLEON: Haha, but his knight isn’t even on the board. He’s hiding out in that house.
RAZ: Well, maybe he’s got a good reason –
G!NAPOLEON: And Knights are good at storming strongholds, but they are no good at field combat.
G!NAPOLEON: So he’ll also need a strong militia to fight my soldiers.
G!NAPOLEON: But he has no militia. His people are hiding out in their houses – hopeless, hungry and unarmed.
RAZ: Yeah, but –
G!NAPOLEON: And if they came out to form a strong militia, they wouldn’t be able to move around the board because I keep breaking his bridges!
RAZ: Hey, that part is your fault –
G!NAPOLEON: He could easily fix the bridges I keep breaking if he just had a Carpenter, but his Carpenter is hiding out in his house, ha ha, afraid!
RAZ: Well, war is scary –
G!NAPOLEON: So you see, it is an easy game, but Fred has already lost it.
RAZ: Not this time! This time we’re going to win!
FRED: No we’re not!
RAZ: (Fred, shut up!)

* Game!Napoleon, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Well, you need to enlist a carpenter so you can fix that bridge I broke, stupid.

* Soldier1.
RAZ: Word to the wise?
RAZ: Give up while you can. Fred’s gonna win.
SOLDIER1: Hahaha.
SOLDIER1: HAHAHAHA!
RAZ: I can burn wood with my mind.
SOLDIER1: But that would be – how you say, ah – cheating.

& If you jump into Napoleon’s stronghold.
{Raz does the victory dance.}
RAZ: Ta da! That was easy!
RAZ: Stronghold stormed, game won!
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh. Eh eh eh-eh.
G!NAPOLEON: You have to storm the stronghold with your Knight, you stupid fool!
RAZ: Oh.

* Carpenter, first interaction.
RAZ: Hello in there! Any Carpenters home?
CARPENTER: Go away, burglar!
RAZ: I’m not a burglar! I’m a recruiter for Fred Bonaparte’s army. We’re a little light in our corps of engineers, see…
CARPENTER: Listen, I know you’re a burglar. I’ve been listening to your footsteps on my roof all night, trying to break in. Why don’t you just slide down the chimney? I’ve got a nice fire going for you in here, Mr. Burglar.
RAZ: Okay, if I’m a burglar, then how can I be down here talking to you AND up on the roof at the same time?
CARPENTER: Maybe you’re a ventriloquist.
RAZ: Listen, if I go see what’s up on your roof and take care of it, will you come out and help fight Napoleon?
CARPENTER: Maybe.
RAZ: Good enough!

* Carpenter, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, how do I get up on your roof?
CARPENTER: Well, I think you ventriloquist burglars always walk across those ropes that are tied to my neighbor’s roof.
CARPENTER: You know, I should really take those down with all the burglars we have walking around…

* Carpenter, after opening the memory vault on his roof.
RAZ: Okay, you can come out. Burglar’s gone.
CARPENTER: Wow. You’re pretty tough for a ventriloquist.
CARPENTER: Okay, here I come.
CARPENTER: Just show me where there’s some wood to work on and I’ll go to town.

* Carpenter, after he becomes a game piece.
RAZ: How about you fix that broken bridge over there!
CARPENTER: How about you fly me over there?
CARPENTER: My legs seem to be glued onto this base. Which is kind of weird.

* Game!Napoleon, after the Carpenter leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Move the Carpenter over to the bridge so he can fix it!

& After moving the Carpenter to a bridge.
CARPENTER: Aw now who went and broke my beautiful bridge?
CARPENTER: Don’t worry, darling. We’ll get you fixed up good as new in no time!
{He fixes the bridge.}
CARPENTER: Man, I am GOOD. Mmm!

* Carpenter, after fixing a bridge.
RAZ: Good work on that bridge there.
CARPENTER: Yeah, I think I nailed that one.
CARPENTER: Haha! Carpenter joke!

~ Trying to move the Carpenter next to the soldier.
CARPENTER: Oh man. I would totally love to move over there, but that soldier would kick my ass, and I’m not getting paid for that.

* Game!Napoleon, after the first bridge is fixed.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: You need to talk one of these peasants into forming a militia for you!

* Support!Peasant, first interaction.
RAZ: Hello! I’m recruiting for the Army of Fred Bonaparte, and –
S!PEASANT: Go away! Fred Bonaparte has forgotten the people, and we have forgotten him!
RAZ: What? Fred loves the people! He was just telling me that some of his best friends are, um…the people.
S!PEASANT: He has abandoned us! He doesn’t care if we live or die!
RAZ: Look I’ll tell you what: I’ll talk to Fred. I’ll talk to him, and I’ll prove to you that he cares about the common man, and that the fight is not meaningless.
S!PEASANT: I’ll believe it when I hear it from him!

* Support!Peasant, second interaction.
RAZ: Hey, we really need your help out here on the battlefield!
S!PEASANT: Did you talk to Fred Bonaparte yet?
RAZ: Oh yeah, that’s what I was supposed to do!

* Support!Peasant, third and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, we really need your help out here on the battlefield!
S!PEASANT: Did you talk to Fred Bonaparte yet?

* Fred, after talking to Support!Peasant.
RAZ: Hey, Fred. The problem is the people think you don’t care.
FRED: What? I care!
NAPOLEON: Then lead them to victory, milky toast!
FRED: Shut up!
RAZ: They think you don’t care if they live or die.
FRED: What do they want from me? A notice on my official stationary that says I’d be sad if they died?
RAZ: Yup.
FRED: Huh.
FRED: Well, if that doesn’t work…
RAZ: Let me guess: you give up?
FRED: Bingo!
NAPOLEON: Ha! Another game at which I will surely defeat you!
FRED: Hey, you take that little victory if you need it, tiny man.

* Empty space, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: I’m saving this note for that guy who thinks Fred doesn’t care about him.

[2/4] Waterloo World

* Support!Peasant, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: Hey, I’ve got an important message from our fearless leader.
S!PEASANT: Oh my god! He does care! He does! I knew it! Fred Bonaparte is the greatest leader of all time! I can’t wait to die for his cause!
RAZ: Well, you might not die You might win!
S!PEASANT: Hey, he’s a great leader, but…he’s still Fred.
S!PEASANT: Okay, hurl my innocent bones into the cruel machine of war. I’m ready.

* Support!Peasant, after he becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Time to fight for the fatherland!
S!PEASANT: Okay, I’m ready.
S!PEASANT: Now put me right next to Napoleon’s lackey and you’ll see some action!

* Support!Peasant, after he becomes a game piece, if you talk to him while next to the bridge.
RAZ: Time to fight for the fatherland!
S!PEASANT: I’m on it! But I can’t get over that broken bridge there.
S!PEASANT: Maybe you could get that lazy Carpenter to fix it?
CARPENTER: I heard that!

* Game!Napoleon, after Support!Peasant becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Move that Militiaman next to my Soldier! Do I have to tell you everything?

& When you put the Support!Peasant next to Soldier1.
S!PEASANT: Ha! Ah! Take that!
SOLDIER1: Die! Arr! I kill you!
{They kill each other.}
G!NAPOLEON: Sacré bleu! I cannot believe it, Fred! You have accidentally done something right!
FRED: I have?
G!NAPOLEON: Yes, but I’m afraid it’s still not enough. More manpower!
SOLDIER2: Ah, mon dieu. I hate bridges!
SOLDIER2: Ahhhh!
{He destroys the second bridge.}
SOLDIER2: That is for killing my father, bridge!
FRED: Hey, stop killing my bridges. You’re making me mad!

* Game!Napoleon, after you defeat his first soldier.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: There is a huge Salt Shaker blocking the game board. Get rid of it!

* The salt shaker.
RAZ: Man, this Salt Shaker is totally in the way.
RAZ: I’ll bet the real Napoleon never had to worry about stuff like this.

* Game!Napoleon, after you get rid of the salt shaker.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: You’ve got another broken bridge. Get your Carpenter!

* Game!Napoleon, after you fix the second bridge.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Oh, cochon. You need to recruit another peasant if you want to keep fighting.

* The Gun!Peasant’s house, first interaction.
RAZ: Hello? I’m recruiting –
G!PEASANT: Go away! I’m not coming out ‘til the soldier’s gone! I’m unarmed!
RAZ: Um, he left. He said he had to go to the bathroom, and he left.
G!PEASANT: Yeah, nice try.

* The Gun!Peasant’s house, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hello? I’m recruiting –
G!PEASANT: Go away! I’m not coming out ‘til the soldier’s gone! I’m unarmed!

* Money!Peasant, first interaction.
RAZ: Hi, is this big soldier buggin’ you?
M!PEASANT: Yes!
RAZ: Well, why don’t you come out here and fight him?
M!PEASANT: Hm. What’s the pay?
RAZ: Uh…freedom?
M!PEASANT: Pfffft! Forget it.

* Money!Peasant, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hi, is this big soldier buggin’ you?
M!PEASANT: Yes!

* Money!Peasant, after the Soldier is gone.
RAZ: So, now that the guy is gone –
RAZ: I’m recruiting for Fred Bonaparte’s army, and Fred really cares –
M!PEASANT: What’s the pay?
RAZ: What?
M!PEASANT: This work is hazardous. I want hazard pay.
RAZ: Well, I could talk to Fred…
M!PEASANT: Not for me you understand. It’s to take care of my family once I’m killed.
RAZ: What’s all this talk of death? We’re going to win!
M!PEASANT: Yeah, right.
M!PEASANT: You just come back when you get Fred to pay up.

* Money!Peasant, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: I’m recruiting for Fred Bonaparte’s army, and Fred really cares –
M!PEASANT: You just come back when you get Fred to pay up.

* Fred, after talking to the Money!Peasant.
RAZ: So it’s time to recruit some more troops.
FRED: Hey, no prob. I’ll just write up some more ‘I care’ notes.
RAZ: How about writing a check, actually? Building an army is going to cost us a little.
FRED: I don’t really have any money. Well, I did have this valuable collector’s coin.
NAPOLEON: Passed down through generations from my father’s father!
FRED: Whatever.
FRED: I haven’t really seen it since I tried to melt it down…
{Raz makes a D: face.}
NAPOLEON: You WHAT?!
FRED: I needed more weight in my pinewood derby racer. Not that it would have helped, the way I lost.
NAPOLEON: Big surprise there.

* Fred, second interaction.
RAZ: So, where do you think that coin is?
FRED: I don’t know. I remember trying to melt it down, and burning my hands, and then running to the kitchen for some ice, and then fainting.
NAPOLEON: Generations of royal inbreeding down the drain!

* Fred, third and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: So, where do you think that coin is?
FRED: I haven’t really seen it since I tried to melt it down…

& After you get the coin.
FRED: Hey, you found my super valuable, rare coin!
RAZ: Yeah. Can I have it?
FRED: Knock yourself out. I’ve got enough memories of my dumb ancestors hanging around!
NAPOLEON: Grr!

* Empty space, while holding the coin.
RAZ: I’m saving this coin until I find someone who could really use the money.

* Money!Peasant, while holding the coin.
RAZ: I’m recruiting for Fred Bonaparte’s army, and Fred really cares –
M!PEASANT: What’s the pay?
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
M!PEASANT: MONEY! OH MAN!
M!PEASANT: Well, I’m off to die in battle, dear, for an incompetent leader who will never know my name. I hope you remarry well!
RAZ: More of that negative talk…
M!PEASANT: I just hope she doesn’t spend it all on scrapbook-making supplies. She’s gone nuts about that stuff. Part of the reason I’m so ready to die.
M!PEASANT: Anyway, let’s go! War ahoy and all that stuff!

* Money!Peasant, after he becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Okay, you got your money. Let’s fight!
M!PEASANT: I’m ready! Send me over there!

* Game!Napoleon, after the Money!Peasant becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Get that Militiaman over where the action is so he can fight!

& Putting the Money!Peasant next to Soldier2.
M!PEASANT: Gah! Pow! Oof!
SOLDIER2: Die! Arr! I kill you!
G!NAPOLEON: Ha ha! Not bad, Fred!
FRED: What? What’d I do?
G!NAPOLEON: You’re doing better than usual, and I hate to end the fun…
G!NAPOLEON: But I guess it’s time to put an end to this, as usual.
G!NAPOLEON: Guard the bridge to the stronghold with your LIFE!
SOLDIER3: None shall pass!

* Game!Napoleon, after you defeat Soldier2.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: You’re going to need one last brave soldier.

* Gun!Peasant, first interaction.
RAZ: Hello? I’m recruiting soldiers for the army of the caring and generous Fred Bonaparte –
G!PEASANT: Weapon.
RAZ: What?
G!PEASANT: Weapon. That’s what I want. I’m not going to die like the others, okay?
RAZ: That’s the spirit!
G!PEASANT: You get me my special Musket and I’ll come out. I think I left it buried in some hay in that heavily-guarded building over there.
G!PEASANT: Then I’ll sign up and kill me some Napoleon-lovers. Got it?
RAZ: Be right back!

* Gun!Peasant, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, what was it you –
G!PEASANT: Weapon. Wea-pon. In the hay, in that building.
RAZ: Right! Okay! Stay put!

& When you uncover the Musket.
RAZ: Hey, look! A musket!
RAZ: I’ll bet we could arm our troops with that.

[3/4] Waterloo World

* Gun!Peasant, while holding the Musket.
RAZ: Okay, there’s your special Musket. Ready?
G!PEASANT: All right! Now I’m all set to go rob that stupid Carpenter!
RAZ: What? I got you that gun so you could fight Napoleon’s army! Not the Carpenter.
G!PEASANT: I’ve been trying to break into his house for days now, but he’s always got a fire going so I can’t get down his chimney!
RAZ: Well, could you just fight this one lousy soldier first? He’s kind of in the way anyway…
G!PEASANT: Okay, but just as practice.
G!PEASANT: Where is he?

* Gun!Peasant, after he becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Why aren’t you using that gun I gave you?
G!PEASANT: I’m too far away. You gotta move me closer to that soldier.

& Putting the Gun!Peasant next to Soldier3
G!PEASANT: Cool Musket, huh? Oh, wait. Have to reload here…
SOLDIER3: Die! Arr! I kill you!
G!NAPOLEON: But…I…how…
G!NAPOLEON: RETREAT!
G!NAPOLEON: Everyone into the stronghold!
G!NAPOLEON: Raise the drawbridge! Immédiatement!
G!NAPOLEON: Jam the mechanism with something! Anything!
RAZ: Hey, you can’t jam the gears! That’s cheating!
G!NAPOLEON: All is fair in love and war! You have fought well, but that’s as far as you shall go my friend!
FRED: Ha! We’ll see about that!
RAZ: Fred? Was that you?
FRED: Yeah! Come on! We’re winning!
FRED: All we have to do is unjam those gears.
RAZ: I’m on it, General.

* G!Napoleon, after he’s jammed the drawbridge, if you Knight isn’t on the board.
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: You will need to get your heartiest Knight out here onto the game board if you want to storm my stronghold!

* G!Napoleon, after he’s jammed the drawbridge, if the Knight is on the board..
RAZ: Hey, can you give me a little hint here?
G!NAPOLEON: (Sigh.)
G!NAPOLEON: Ha! No help from me! You have fought well, but you will never get that drawbridge down, so your Knight will never be able to storm my stronghold!

* Knight, first interaction.
RAZ: Hello?
KNIGHT: Sorry! I can’t storm Napoleon’s stronghold today. Too weak.
RAZ: Oh, okay.
RAZ: Want me to call a doctor?
KNIGHT: No, I’m not sick. I just can’t find any decent food around here. An army moves on its stomach, you know. An elite force such as I require an elite cuisine, I’m afraid.
RAZ: Oh, well, I’ll keep on the lookout for a place with good take out.
KNIGHT: Only the best, young lad. I am a Frenchman, and anything but the finest French delicacy might bruise my palette, and leave me unable to storm anything, save the vomitorium.
RAZ: Ew.

* Knight, second and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hey, are you feeling any better?
RAZ: If we storm Napoleon’s stronghold, we win the game, you know?
RAZ: Beat Napoleon and everything…
KNIGHT: Ooh, that sounds like a grand plan, sir. But not on an empty stomach.
KNIGHT: I’m sure you understand.
RAZ: Hm.

& After gathering all the snails.
RAZ: Okay, Snails. It’s time to serve the cause!
SNAILS: SO BE IT!!!
SNAILS: If it is truly a time of war, then we are ready. We can no longer pull our heads into our shells and hide. We are, after all, armored warriors, and this is our land too. We may not be fast, but we always march upon the glittering path of righteousness, for we create it ourselves from our hearts. Lead us onwards, and let us eat holes in the leaves of Napoleon’s garden.
RAZ: Wow. Right on. Yes.

* Snails, once they become a game piece.
RAZ: You guys ready?
SNAILS: Yes!
SNAILS: We are ready to fight for the fatherland! To fight nobly on the field of battle! Our shells are tough, and soon we will cover the enemy with our silvery trails!
RAZ: Okay, just remember there are many different ways to serve your fatherland.

& After you move the Snails to the Knight’s house.
SNAILS: Charge!!!
KNIGHT: (Munch munch!)
KNIGHT: Delicious!
KNIGHT: I haven’t had escargot like that since the Duchess’s birthday. But even those were not so full of…spirit!
KNIGHT: I am truly inspired. Come, let us storm Napoleon’s stronghold and win this game for Fred Bonaparte!
KNIGHT: But do hurry. I believe I may be hungry again soon.

* Knight, after he becomes a game piece.
RAZ: Alright. Let’s take Napoleon’s stronghold and win the game!
KNIGHT: Game?
RAZ: War! Woooo!
KNIGHT: Yes! The stronghold’s wall is thick! But I will crack it open! Like a shell! And I will rip that shell off, and…and sauté it…in butter! And eat it and gorge to my heart’s delight.
RAZ: Concentrate…war time…
KNIGHT: Right, well, just move me over there and take that snail!
RAZ: Stronghold.
KNIGHT: Stronghold!

~ If you try to move the Knight next to a soldier.
KNIGHT: I would love to slay that enemy soldier, but I am afraid I must save all of my energy for the stronghold. I have only eaten enough to last me through one great struggle, you see.

& Throwing the Knight onto the stronghold.
KNIGHT: HA HA HA! Your walls are no thicker than the crust of a crème brûlée!
KNIGHT: Behold the mighty tapping of my spoon!
KNIGHT: Ahhhhhhh!
NAPOLEON: What? What is this?? Fred? Did you do this?
FRED: Huh? What?
NAPOLEON: I can’t believe it! You…you ARE a Bonaparte! There is some Napoleon in your veins after all!
FRED: Well, maybe –
NAPOLEON: Finally! I can resign myself back into my glorious history. The future is yours, Fred Bonaparte. You are indeed a true warrior. Go forth and fight all your battles with the same determination you showed here, and your life will be an endless parade of victories. Like mine!
FRED: Yes! Well, except for that last one! The one in Waterloo…
NAPOLEON: Mmm, I was sick that day! Very bad stomach cramp. Let me tell you. That’s why I’ve always got my hand tucked in here, you know? Heh heh. You’ll find out when you’re older. It’s hereditary.

[4/4] Waterloo World

Item Dialogue

* Fred, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: Thanks for the note. You have really nice handwriting.
FRED: Yeah, well I was a calligraphy major in college, actually.
NAPOLEON: Oh, this just gets worse and worse the more I know.

* Napoleon/Game!Napoleon, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
NAPOLEON: You can’t just tell people you care about them! You have to show them!
NAPOLEON: By leading them nobly into war!
RAZ: Hey, it’s a start.

* Soldier1, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
SOLDIER1: Not as much as my leader does!

* Money!Peasant, while holding Fred’s Note.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
M!PEASANT: Well then he should put his money where his mouth is and PAY US.

* Carpenter, while holding Fred’s Note, before he leaves the house.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
CARPENTER: How about the burglar on my roof? Does he care about that?

* Carpenter, while holding Fred’s Note, after he leaves the house.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
CARPENTER: I only care about wood, and nails, and bridges.

* Knight, while holding Fred’s Note, before he leaves the house.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
KNIGHT: Not enough to feed his troops anything but chipped beef on toast!
KNIGHT: Oooh, I can’t believe I spoke the name of that dish!

* Knight, while holding Fred’s Note, after he leaves the house.
RAZ: Look! Fred cares!
KNIGHT: Please, do not distract me, for now my only thought is of storming that stronghold!

* Fred, while holding the coin.
RAZ: Hey, I found this rare coin in the fire.
FRED: Oh, THAT’S where it was. Well, you can have it. Last thing I want is another family heirloom.

* Napoleon/Game!Napoleon, while holding the coin.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
NAPOLEON: Ah, a priceless Bonaparte family heirloom.
FRED: You can have that. It’s worthless to me.
NAPOLEON: Ahhh!

* Soldier1, while holding the coin.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
SOLDIER1: Oui oui oui but, uh…call me in two weeks. If we don’t get more funding I’m going to jump ship!

* Support!Peasant, while holding the coin, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
S!PEASANT: I’m not in this for the money. If our leaders cared about us, I’d fight for nothing!

* Support!Peasant, while holding the coin, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
S!PEASANT: I don’t care about anything now, except for my fearless leader Fred!

* Carpenter, while holding the coin, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
CARPENTER: You can’t fool me by giving me money! I know you’re a burglar!

* Carpenter, while holding the coin, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
CARPENTER: I only care about wood, and nails, and bridges.

* Knight, while holding the coin, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
KNIGHT: Oh, how I wish there was a gourmet restaurant in town so that I may take that coin and buy myself a fine meal.

* Knight, while holding the coin, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Hey, check out this coin I found.
KNIGHT: Please, do not distract me, for now my only thought is of storming that stronghold!

* Empty space, while holding the Musket, before you talk to the Gun!Peasant.
RAZ: What good is this musket? It’s not even loaded!

* Fred, while holding the Musket.
RAZ: Look! I found some armaments for the troop!
FRED: Ah, get that gun out of my face. Why don’t you go arm the people who are doing the fighting?

* Napoleon/Game!Napoleon, while holding the Musket.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
NAPOLEON: Fred’s troops wouldn’t know what to do with one of those.

* Soldier1, while holding the Musket.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
SOLDIER1: If I thought you knew how to use it, I would be frightened.
RAZ: Hey, I was once an Assassin I’ll have you know!

* Support!Peasant, while holding the Musket, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
S!PEASANT: Oh, I got a gun already. But who cares about killing unless you’re killing FOR someone, you know?

* Carpenter, while holding the Musket, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
CARPENTER: Ah! A gun! And I was just starting to believe that you weren’t a burglar!

* Carpenter, while holding the Musket, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
CARPENTER: I only care about wood, and nails, and bridges.

* Money!Peasant, while holding the Musket, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
M!PEASANT: It would be cool if we had some pawn shops in this town and I could SELL IT.

* Money!Peasant, while holding the Musket, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
M!PEASANT: I only care about how much I’m getting paid!

* Knight, while holding the Musket, before he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
KNIGHT: Excellent. Now take that gun and go shoot me a fine game pheasant, then bring it to my favorite chef in Paris –
RAZ: It’s not loaded.
KNIGHT: Ohhh, I’m going to faint.

* Knight, while holding the Musket, after he leaves his house.
RAZ: Cool musket, eh?
KNIGHT: Please, do not distract me, for now my only thought is of storming that stronghold!

[1/4] Black Velvetopia

& Entering Black Velvetopia.
RAZ: Aaaaaaaaah-oof!
BERNARD: Oh my god! Are you all right?
{He picks up the painting.}
BERNARD: Poor little guy!
BERNARD: Hmmm…little nick on the frame…
RAZ: Ohhhhhhh-ohhh.
BERNARD: …Maybe I can cover that up with a price tag or something…

* Saint Bernard, first dialogue option.
RAZ: Hey, have you seen any REALLY BIG playing cards around here?
BERNARD: Now that takes me back. Poker night with the guys…Man, I miss those dogs.

* Saint Bernard, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Uh-huh. So, the cards? You know where they are?
BERNARD: Oh, right. Well, I do know about these four lost queens…
BERNARD: But that’s all. Can’t do much with four queens, can ya?

* Saint Bernard, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Those are exactly the cards I need! Where are they?
BERNARD: Forget about it! They’re guarded by some pretty nasty characters. Not to mention El Odio.
BERNARD: You’re better off just hanging out here and turning your head a teensy bit to the left.

* Saint Bernard, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Where did you say those cards were again?
BERNARD: Forget about it! They’re guarded by some pretty nasty characters. Not to mention El Odio.

* Saint Bernard, second dialogue option.
RAZ: I think I hate that bull a lot.
BERNARD: Oh, trust me. You’ll hate him even more as time goes by. When he first trapped me in this alley, I thought he was only mildly annoying.

* Saint Bernard, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: What do you mean trapped? Are you a prisoner of art just like Edgar?
BERNARD: I’m a prisoner of that stupid bull!
BERNARD: I don’t want to get gored, so I hide out in the alley, like a…
BERNARD: …Like a low-down dog!

* Saint Bernard, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Okay, promise me you won’t take this the wrong way, but you ARE a dog.
BERNARD: Yeah, but I’m a SAINT BERNARD, man!
BERNARD: I should be up in the highlands, above the tree line!
BERNARD: Keg of brandy around my friggin’ neck! Seeing the world!
BERNARD: And finding more things to paint than this junk.
BERNARD: Which is all for sale, by the way.

* Saint Bernard, third dialogue option.
RAZ: Hey, how do you get out of this alley?
BERNARD: We’re trapped in here, son. Art is our only escape.
RAZ: Is that like a metaphor? Or do you mean that if I take one of these paintings I can use it to get out of here?
BERNARD: If you TAKE one of these paintings I’ll bite you on the leg.
BERNARD: If you BUY one, it could help you get out of here.
BERNARD: They’re magic!

* Saint Bernard, exiting the conversation.
RAZ: Okay, I’m off.
BERNARD: Well, see ya. Keep off the street now.

~ Buying art from the Saint Bernard.
BERNARD: Enjoy your new art there!

* The Saint Bernard, while holding a painting.
RAZ: Hey, I don’t want this painting anymore.
BERNARD: Sorry, buddy, all sales are final.

* The Saint Bernard, while holding a rose.
BERNARD: Touching, but I’m not interested.

* An empty painting spot.
RAZ: Hm. Now which one of my black velvet paintings would work here?

& Putting the alleyway painting on the wall.
RAZ: Nice! Now I can get Edgar’s cards!

~ As you leave the alleyway.
BERNARD: Well, see ya. Keep off the street now.

& Getting hit by the bull.
RAZ: Ohhhhhhh-ohhh.

* Empty space, while holding the rose.
RAZ: I’ll bet there’s a lonely lady out there somewhere who could use a little cheering up.

* Women in the windows, first interaction.
RAZ: Excuse me ma’am, but could I hide out in there with you? This bull is coming down the street…

* Women in the windows, second interaction.
RAZ: Help! Let me in!

* Women in the windows, third interaction.
RAZ: Please, ma’am. Do not be afraid. Do I look dangerous to you?

* Women in the windows, fourth and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: Hmmm. Maybe if I could charm the lady behind those shutters somehow.

& The Tiger.
ANNOUNCER: Introducing – fresh from the Thrilla in Manilla, Iowa –
ANNOUNCER: TIGER!
TIGER: Wake up, little man, time to go nighty night.
RAZ: I AM awake.
TIGER: Good, because it is bedtime for you, snack-size.
RAZ: What are you talking about?
TIGER: You will fight me for my card, yes?
RAZ: Well, I AM looking for some cards.
TIGER: Well, small fry, I am afraid the sandman is going to have to bend way over to reach you because you are so awfully itty-bitty and then –
RAZ: All right, I get it. Just shut up and let’s go.
TIGER: Then I will shut up. But only so I can enjoy the microscopic spectacle of your attempts to make me shut up.

* Tiger, while holding the rose.
RAZ: I should give this rose to someone who’d appreciate it.

* Tiger, while holding a painting.
TIGER: AHHHH! Your foul art is more painful than your teensy fists!

~ The Tiger fight.
ANNOUNCER: Avoiding the Tiger Pounce requires some serious tumbling skills!

& On win against Tiger.
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh. Eh, eh, eheh.
RAZ: Ha! Sleep tight, kitty.

* Giving Edgar the first card.
RAZ: Here you go, Edgar.
EDGAR: Ah, that is exactly the card I need!
EDGAR: Please, boy, I must have those queens!

* Edgar.
EDGAR: Please, boy, I must have those queens!

~ When you send his cards flying.
EDGAR: Grunt.
EDGAR: if you are curious about the load-bearing capacity of cardhouses, please conduct your experiments on SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE OF CARDS!

~ When you send his cards flying.
EDGAR: Grunt.
EDGAR: The cards are large, yes, but it is still a house of cards. KEEP OFF!

~ When you send his cards flying.
EDGAR: Grunt.
EDGAR: Jumping into the house of cards, stumbling into the house of cards, driving your glowing ball through the house of cards: none of these activities help me.

* Border Collie, if there are live enemies nearby.
COLLIE: Shoo, get out of here. Don’t bother my customers!

* Border Collie, first dialogue option.
RAZ: Yeah, I saw another dog selling art up the street. Are you guys a chain?
COLLIE: Ah, you’ve met my compadres. When we were young art dogs we would run wild in the street together.
COLLIE: But now…

* Border Collie, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Why don’t you guys just make a run for it?
COLLIE: You couldn’t understand.
COLLIE: El Odio imprisons us all. Art is the only escape.
COLLIE: And today is the only day…
COLLIE: …That it’s going to be this cheap. All these prices go up tomorrow because of tourist season.

* Border Collie, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Could you tell me again about your dog friends?
COLLIE: Ah, you’ve met my compadres. When we were young art dogs we would run wild in the street together.
COLLIE: But now…

* Border Collie, second dialogue option.
RAZ: Hey, can you fight bulls? I have a bull problem.
COLLIE: Sorry.
COLLIE: Artist here.
COLLIE: Delicate hands.
COLLIE: And anyway, if you are talking about El Odio, well…
COLLIE: There is, of course, only one man who could handle that much bull.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Who CAN do it? Who can fight El Odio?
COLLIE: I speak of no other than Dingo Inflagrante.
COLLIE: …the infamous Matador playboy.
COLLIE: Alas, they would never ask him to help. Not in a million years.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Why won’t they ask Dingo to help? Is he expensive?
COLLIE: No, because what happened between him and Edgar. Quite a scandal.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: WHAT? What happened between Dingo and Edgar?
COLLIE: Tragedy. Betrayal.
COLLIE: Art.
COLLIE: Love.
COLLIE: Pain.
COLLIE: Nothing you want to know about.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: COME ON! Tell me! What’s the big scandal???
COLLIE: Listen, I deal in truth and beauty, not dirt.
COLLIE: But…
COLLIE: Maybe, if you had bought some art…
COLLIE: …Then I’d have to come up with some small talk while we’re making change, and…you know…

* Border Collie, on exiting the dialogue.
RAZ: Gotta go.
COLLIE: Be good!

~ Buying art from the Border Collie.
COLLIE: (Cough) pearls before swine. (Cough)
RAZ: What?
COLLIE: Nothing.
COLLIE: Now then, you will, of course, want something else.

[2/4] Black Velvetopia

~ Buying art from the Border Collie.
COLLIE: Try to handle it only by the edges.

~ Border Collie.
COLLIE: I love this painting.
COLLIE: Look at the brushwork.
COLLIE: Yes, a thing of beauty is a joy forever…but prices like these cannot last.
COLLIE: No offense, but you are not good enough for this piece. Please, please do not buy it.
COLLIE: What’s important in this piece is not what I painted, but what I did NOT paint. Know what I mean?
COLLIE: Now that I look at it…I’m not sure that it’s for sale at all. It might be too good. I might have to keep it.
COLLIE: I cannot look at this painting for too long, or I will cry with joy.
COLLIE: It’s almost as beautiful as me, you have to admit.
COLLIE: This one is…well…more of a tone poem.
COLLIE: I was playing with spatial relationships here.
COLLIE: I love it so much, if it didn’t have its backside up against the wall, I would sniff it!
COLLIE: Well, I ‘played’ in the same way that Beethoven ‘played’ with dissonance in the ‘Eroica Symphony, if you follow me.
COLLIE: Please don’t breathe directly on this painting. It is very valuable.

* Border Collie, while holding a painting.
COLLIE: Ah, that’s exquisite…ly not interesting to me.

* Border Collie, while holding a rose.
COLLIE: I am a mammal, so you’re close. But perhaps you should save that for someone of your own species.

~ When leaving the Border Collie’s alley.
COLLIE: Thank god. I felt like I was being looted.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Okay, I bought some art. Now give me the dirt on Dingo.
COLLIE: Mmm…hmmhmmmm…
COLLIE: Okay, here’s how I heard it.
COLLIE: Years ago, when Edgar was a world-renown painter, he was commissioned by Dingo to immortalize him in black velvet.
COLLIE: But while he was sitting for the portrait, Dingo met Edgar’s beautiful wife.
COLLIE: Who was none other than the top Flamenco dancer, Lampito Pasianado!
COLLIE: He seduced the dancer, and the two ran off together, leaving Edgar with the unfinished painting…
COLLIE: …And a broken heart.
COLLIE: Since then, Edgar thinks of nothing but the treacherous pair…
COLLIE: …And since then, our streets have been ruled by…
COLLIE: …El Odio!

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Whoa. That’s a great story. You should do a painting about it.
COLLIE: Yes, that’s what we need around here. Some paintings of Dingo and bulls, yeah. Good idea.

* Border Collie, second dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Tell me that story about Dingo and Lampita again!
COLLIE: Mmm…hmmhmmmm…
COLLIE: Okay, here’s how I heard it.
COLLIE: Years ago, when Edgar was a world-renown painter, he was commissioned by Dingo to immortalize him in black velvet.
COLLIE: But while he was sitting for the portrait, Dingo met Edgar’s beautiful wife.
COLLIE: Who was none other than the top Flamenco dancer, Lampito Pasianado!
COLLIE: He seduced the dancer, and the two ran off together, leaving Edgar with the unfinished painting…
COLLIE: …And a broken heart.
COLLIE: Since then, Edgar thinks of nothing but the treacherous pair…
COLLIE: …And since then, our streets have been ruled by…
COLLIE: …El Odio!

* Border Collie, third dialogue option.
RAZ: I think that Dingo sounds like a jerk.
COLLIE: Ah, he gets an unfair rap because of his looks.
COLLIE: As a Collie, I know how hard it is to be resented for your beauty.
COLLIE: It’s like being forced to wear a golden robe with a diamond ‘kick me’ sign on the back.

* Border Collie, third dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Must be tough.
COLLIE: Eh. I work it out through my painting.

& The Dragon.
ANNOUNCER: Introducing – fresh from an astonishing victory at the Killings in Billings –
ANNOUNCER: DRAGON!
RAZ: Yow! What’s that smell?
DRAGON: That smells like fear, boy!
RAZ: Yeah…no, I mean that fart smell.
DRAGON: That’s fear! RAWRRRRR!
RAZ: No, I’m talking about an actual smell. It’s like if stink bombs laid eggs and then those went bad.
DRAGON: That’s sulfur. It’s part of the dragon costume, kid.

* Dragon, while holding a rose.
DRAGON: Aw, the sweet smell of FE – wait a minute, are you trying to give me a flower?

* Dragon, while holding a painting.
DRAGON: Did you paint this? Let’s find out if it’s more valuable when you’re dead.

~ The Dragon fight.
ANNOUNCER: Unless that kid can fly, he’ll never beat the Dragon roar.

& When you defeat Dragon.
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh! Eh, eh, eheh!
RAZ: Soon they’ll be “Dragon” your ass outta here! Ha ha.
RAZ: Hey, are you awake? Did you hear that?
RAZ: Man. I can STILL smell that guy.

* Giving Edgar the second card.
RAZ: Here you go, Edgar.
EDGAR: Perfect! One step closer…to her.
EDGAR: Please, boy, I must have those queens!

& The Eagle.
ANNOUNCER: Introducing – back from a crushing victory at Someone Might Lose a Tooth in Duluth –
ANNOUNCER: EAGLE!
EAGLE: Ca-caw!
RAZ: That’s it? Ca –
{Raz gets punched.}
EAGLE: Ca-caw.

* Eagle, while holding the rose.
RAZ: I should give this rose to someone who’d appreciate it.

* Eagle, while holding a painting.
RAZ: I should find a proper hook for this painting, so it will come to life like that dog said.

~ The Eagle fight.
ANNOUNCER: That challenger needs to roll away from those aerial attacks!

& After defeating Eagle.
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh. Eh, eh, eheh.
RAZ: Ca-caw.

& Giving Edgar the third card.
RAZ: I hope these things are worth it, Edgar.
EDGAR: Ah, that is exactly the card I need!
EDGAR: Please, boy, I must have those queens!

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option.
RAZ: Edgar Teglee sent me. You know, the famous painter? How about a discount?
DALMATIAN: Famous painter? Edgar?
DALMATIAN: Pffft! Yeah, right!

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Pfft, you don’t give discounts? Or pffft, you don’t think he’s famous?
DALMATIAN: Look, I’m sorry, but eating lunch every day in the art teacher’s room does not make you a famous painter.
DALMATIAN: Anyway, he only did that to hide out from the school wrestling team.

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Hey, there’s no shame in hiding from wrestlers. They’re trouble. Especially the wild animal type.
DALMATIAN: Oh, whaddya mean wild animals? Like dogs, eh?
DALMATIAN: Oh, you got a problem with me now?

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: No, I just meant wrestlers can be tough. I didn’t mean you.
DALMATIAN: Oh, you don’t think I’m tough now?
DALMATIAN: Why, ‘cause I’m a Dalmatian?
DALMATIAN: Hey, we can’t all be Saint Bernards and Bulldogs, you know!

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Has Edgar always had a problem with wrestlers?
DALMATIAN: No way. In fact, he used to be the captain of his high school wrestling team!
DALMATIAN: He took them all the way to the state semi-finals one year, and then he…
DALMATIAN: …He choked.
DALMATIAN: Cost the team the entire match.

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: Why did he choke? Did they get him in one of those pile driver things?
DALMATIAN: No, Edgar’s girlfriend Lana Panzoni dumped him after the first period for Dean Lagrante, the head of her cheerleading squad.
DALMATIAN: Teglee was worthless after that.
DALMATIAN: The other team just tossed him around the rest of the day like a half sack of pork rinds.
DALMATIAN: Oh, man. His squad hated him after that. The whole school did.

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: How sad. Especially since it all happened to him again with Dingo and Lampita.
DALMATIAN: Ohhhhhhhhh. Riiiigggght.
DALMATIAN: Yeah, they exist.
DALMATIAN: Not made up at all, those two.
DALMATIAN: Sheesh.
DALMATIAN: Hey, I got some original Picassos over here, if you’re interested, by the way…

* Dalmatian, first dialogue option continued.
RAZ: So tell me that again. Edgar was a bad wrestler?
DALMATIAN: No way. In fact, he used to be the captain of his high school wrestling team!
DALMATIAN: He took them all the way to the state semi-finals one year, and then he…
DALMATIAN: …He choked.
DALMATIAN: Cost the team the entire match.

[3/4] Black Velvetopia

* Dalmatian, exiting dialogue.
RAZ: See ya.
DALMATIAN: Yes, run! Run from the horror!

* Dalmatian, while holding a rose.
DALMATIAN: You do realize I’m a boy dog, right? I’m just askin’.

* Dalmatian, while holding a painting.
DALMATIAN: This ain’t the Bad Art Mutual Appreciation Society. Get out of here with that awful thing.

~ When you buy some art from the Dalmatian.
DALMATIAN: Maybe you can write that off on your taxes as a loss.
DALMATIAN: A catastrophic loss, even.

~ When you buy some art from the Dalmatian.
DALMATIAN: Enjoy that. Heeheeheee.

~ Leaving the Dalmatian’s alley.
DALMATIAN: Don’t tell anyone who painted these, okay?

~ Walking through the showers in the sewers.
RAZ: I’m starting to feel like I’m back in high school.
RAZ: Which is weird, because I’m only ten.

* The wrestlers in the gardens.
RAZ: Hey, I just think it’s great you took that ass-kicking I handed to you, and turned that defeat into something positive. Like gardening.
WRESTLER: (Grunt.)

* Bulldog, first interaction.
RAZ: You look pretty jumpy. What’s the problem?
BULLDOG: I’m supposed to paint an ad for the big fight between Dingo the Matador, and the town bull. Only the bull’s on a rampage right through where the painting needs to go.
RAZ: Oooo, Dingo the Matador? I need to talk to him!
BULLDOG: His apartment’s right upstairs. While you’re there, maybe you can convince him to take care of the bull.

* Bulldog, while holding the rose.
BULLDOG: Oh…ah…if you really loved me, you’d give me some raw hamburger.

* Bulldog, while holding a painting.
BULLDOG: I dispense the art, man. I don’t receive it.

& The Cobra.
ANNOUNCER: Next up: Junior King “Kong” Cobra!
COBRA: Hey, Edgar, nice headgear. Freak.
RAZ: What?
COBRA: What? You suck, Teglee. You can’t beat me. Coach says I can’t be beat. Coach says I got mental toughness. You can’t break my concentration, wimp.
RAZ: Hey, I’m not Edgar.
COBRA: Yeah? You’re gonna wish you’re not Edgar when I’m through.
RAZ: Look, I am NOT Edgar Teglee. My name’s Raz. I’m a Psychonaut.
COBRA: You’re an idiot, Smeglee. Coach says your psycho girl-crazy lack of focus cost you states.
RAZ: Seriously, I don’t want to have to hurt you.
COBRA: Well, since you’d have to break my concentration to even touch me, and since you can’t break my concentration, I guess you won’t be too disappointed then.

~ Cobra Fight.
COBRA: Ha! Feel that?
COBRA: Cuz I didn’t! You can’t hurt me at all!
COBRA: Because the coach taught me how to concentrate on not feeling the pain.
COBRA: Not like you, Schmeglee!
COBRA: You feel everything!
COBRA: Like when your girlfriend Lana dumped you for that cheerleader guy.
COBRA: You felt that so bad, you blew the state semi finals!
COBRA: You let all us wrestlers down!
COBRA: That’s why we hate you!
COBRA: You got confused, Teglee! You let your guard down!
COBRA: And then you got torn apart! LIKE THIS!

~ When you hit Cobra.
COBRA: I can’t feel a thing!
COBRA: You’ll never break my concentration!
COBRA: My head will never get all clouded up and confused like yours!
COBRA: I’m telling you, it’s impossible!
COBRA: The coach says if you stay focused, you can’t be beat!
COBRA: Give it up, Schmeglee!

~ While Cobra hits you.
COBRA: Did that hurt ‘ums feelings?
COBRA: Feel that?
COBRA: Does that hurt little Edgar?
COBRA: How ‘bout that?
COBRA: How’s that feel?
COBRA: Aw does that hurt?

* Cobra, while holding the rose.
RAZ: I should give this to someone who’d appreciate it.

* Cobra, while holding a painting.
COBRA: Nice picture. Now put it away or else they’ll have to x-ray your colon to look at it.

& Winning against Cobra.
RAZ: Eh, eh-eh. Eh, eh, eheh.
RAZ: I beat you just like I did in high school, loser!
RAZ: Wait…who am I?

* Dingo, first interaction.
DINGO: Ah, you must be the towel boy!
DINGO: You want an autograph? I don’t just hand those out.
DINGO: And that’s a good lesson for you: anticipate disappointment. Take me: I’m the greatest bullfighter who’s ever lived. Yet my upcoming match against the town bull has received virtually no marketing support.
DINGO: A towering advertisement was supposed to have been painted just outside my window. But, as you can see, the job hasn’t even been started.
RAZ: I think that bull is trampling anyone who tries to paint on the wall. Maybe you could stop it.
DINGO: Hmm…so instead of challenging the bull before a stadium packed with screaming women, you want me to fight it on the street in front of one dog and one child wearing a crude towel boy disguise. That’s a terrible idea.
DINGO: Here’s a better one. You go get that billboard painted, and I’ll reward you handsomely.
DINGO: Which is how I do everything.
DINGO: As an advance, I’ll give you one of my secret weapons. Use it if anyone gets stubborn.

* Dingo, second interaction.
RAZ: You should really go out there and stop that bull.
DINGO: El Odio and I will fight someday, in the ring! And he will die!
DINGO: But not before we have a good media buzz first! So…
DINGO: Get out there and make that lazy dog paint my billboard!

* Dingo, third and all subsequent interactions.
RAZ: You should really go out there and stop that bull.
DINGO: Get out there and make that lazy dog paint my billboard!

* Dingo, while holding the rose.
DINGO: You’re an eight-year-old boy, so, regretfully, I must decline.

* Dingo, while holding a painting.
DINGO: You know what would look good in that frame? My reflection in a mirror.

* Bulldog, after talking to Dingo.
RAZ: Hey, uh, we really gotta get that billboard painted.
BULLDOG: Okay, man, here’s the plan. Step one: I quit “we.” Step two: “We” – which is now just you – runs out there and gets killed painting the billboard.
RAZ: Maybe I can distract the bull while you paint. It’s so crazy it just might work.
BULLDOG: Or maybe it’s so crazy that it’s just extra crazy. There’s absolutely no way I’m going out there, man.
RAZ: C’mon, you’re a bulldog! Show some backbone. Plus, who wants to go for a walk? Who wants to go for a walk?
BULLDOG: Stupid. Dog. Brain. RRRRRR. ACK. Alright, let’s go!
RAZ: Great! When I say “Go boy!” get moving!

* Talking to the Bulldog without confusing the Bull.
RAZ: Go boy!
{The Bulldog runs out but gets sent flying back to you by the bull.}
BULLDOG: NO! The painting’s ruined!

* Talking to the Bulldog after confusing the Bull.
RAZ: Go boy!
{The Bulldog runs out and paints the billboard.}
DINGO: Hmmm. It’s not great.
DINGO: But I suppose it’s just barely good enough. Come see me if you still want your reward.
RAZ: You know, your advice didn’t work.
DINGO: Really? Then here’s some new advice: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
RAZ: How about that reward?
DINGO: Fine, then. One autograph.
RAZ: You know, my bulldog friend could still paint a beer gut on that poster out there –
DINGO: Alright! Here! Take this! But I warn you, I won’t be able to sign it.

* Dingo, after the billboard has been painted.
RAZ: You should really go out there and stop that bull.
DINGO: El Odio and I will fight some day, in the ring! And he will die!

* Bulldog, after the billboard has been painted.
BULLDOG: I think it turned out pretty well. On the other hand, I’m colorblind.

* Giving Edgar the fourth card.
RAZ: Here you go, Edgar. The last card.
RAZ: This one was a real pain in the butt to get.
EDGAR: Thank you. You said you would get them and you did.
EDGAR: Not everyone is as true to their word, you know.
RAZ: Well, now you can finish your tower.
EDGAR: Yes, now this can all end, once and for all.
RAZ: Wow. It looks like you can walk right up there now, Edgar.
RAZ: Edgar?
RAZ: Edgar?

[4/4] Black Velvetopia + El Odio Fight

El Odio Fight

* One of the banderillas.
RAZ: I can’t pick those up by hand. I think TK is the thing.

& After the first part.
RAZ: Oh no. I can’t believe I stuck four of those barbed poles in his back!
DINGO: They’re called “bandarillas!”
RAZ: I gotta get those out of there and protect Edgar. If something happens to him while I’m in his mind, I’ll get the boot!

& Confusing Dingo for the first time.
DINGO: Ohhhoo ohhh…
DINGO: I am the mighty EL ODIO!
DINGO: I have all the power OF THE BULL!
RAZ: Hm…and all the weaknesses I’ll bet…

~ Confused Dingo.
DINGO: Look out!
DINGO: Here comes El Odio!
DINGO: Ahhhhhhh!

~ When you spear Dingo.
DINGO: Ow!
DINGO: El Odio is hit!
DINGO: El Odio doesn’t like that!
DINGO: Right in El Odio’s butt!
DINGO: El Odio…is…DYING.