Overview
Do you want to go on an adventure? Do you crave fortune? Well get ready, because it doesn’t come easy.
Welcome to Slaughtering Grounds, home of some of the rarest trading cards you’ll find on Steam.
“Why are they so rare,” you may be asking. Because you need at least 2 hours of gameplay to get them, and most people are unable to handle the intensity of this exciting and thrill-seeking game for that long. You see that clown in the picture for this guide? That’s going to be you during the training of this quest, and probably after this quest is over. A lot of people start this mission without knowing for sure what exactly what they’re getting into, and sometimes the cons outweigh the pros. Clench your butt cheeks and grab a pen and pencil. We’re diving in step by step.
Step one: Know your ♥♥♥♥.
As stated before, not many people are prepared for the important training required to achieve these cards. These aren’t your daddy’s Steam trading cards. You’ll have better chances of finding an Oreo in a Ritz Crackers sleeve than finding these cards in a trading server somewhere. I suggest Googling these trading cards to make sure they’re up to your taste. If you type “The Slaughtering Grounds” in the search bar, you’ll probably find “The Slaughtering Grounds Controversy” as the first suggestion. That’s how it was for me, anyway. I hadn’t heard of this “Jim ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Sterling Son” until I did this, but it seems him and Digital Homicide have gotten into a scuffle of sorts. Any enemy of Digital Homicide is an enemy of you from now on should you take this quest on. Remember that. Read up on Jim if you can. Know the enemy. Watch every video he’s done that covers a Digital Homicide game. Watch his interview with Digital Homicide. Question your own humanity. Take a college course in philosophe. Know your ♥♥♥♥.
Step two: prepare your body fluids.
This game will rock you if you let it. You need to be like an M1 Abrams, and tape yourself to your chair, your bed, your wooden stump, whatever you’re sitting on otherwise you’ll stand up, sending your body into a state of shock. Let me level with you here. This game is too intense for some people. There are some children and sane sissy adults that are simply unable to complete this task. To these people, I encourage you to stop this quest here. For the rest of you, I would take precautions to prevent yourself from releasing sausage or cave liquids onto the floor/sitting place. I personally use a paper clip and wear a diaper for good measure.
Step three: load this game up.
This is the threshold of this entire operation. Some of you lucky ones will survive. Some of you will not. Personally, I was greeted with a pure blue screen when I opened the game. I got around this safety measure issue by loading it up in full screen, tabbing out, and then tabbing back in. If you’ve made it this far, then congratulations. You’re a man now. Or a woman. I’m not sexist.
Step four: muting the game.
There are two ways I know for sure to do this. The first way is to press escape and turn the music off. My problem with this is that the zombies still make a lot of noise, and while the gun sounds are by far the most realistic and orgasm inducing feature this game has to offer, the next step makes them irrelevant. What you gotta do is tab out, click on the volume button, go to the mixer, and turn the volume all the way down just like you’d do with Five Nights at Freddy’s to take all of its horror effect away. 
Step five: Enjoy yourself.
I strongly recommend playing this game before you do this step. You may discover that you’re the one the prophecy has told of: the one man on the planet that can play this game and look at himself in the mirror at the same time without bursting into tears (of joy). Now, there are other ways of knowing if this is true or not. You’ve probably been approached by men in robes asking you to join their club, saying you’re the anti-crust or something. You may also enjoy the torment of others, have impulses to turn crosses upside down, or find yourself floating on the occasion. If you discover that you’re not the one the prophecy tells of, then I would recommend minimising the game and watching some porn, or listening to your favorite music album. Now, the game requires a lot of resources to run even at 3 frames per second because, let’s face it, it’s the pinnacle of innovation hands down. It makes that new Metal Gear game look like a pile of toothpicks taped to a frisbee that I used to carve the sacred circuits into my skin. If your computer can’t handle the game, I would suggest learning how to juggle, riding a unicycle, or wrestling a bear.
Step six: the waiting game.
This is where your training pays off. You’ve crossed hurdles that would make kangaroos say “no thank you, sir.” You’ve gone to hell, and came back with an empire. You’ve gotten the high score on a Grand Theft Auto V race without cheating. You’ve had perfect school attendance. You’ve met the last unicorn, became a wizard, and ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up like 3 pirates. Dragons quiver in fear at your name. You’re ready. You have to leave the game open for two hours before the cards drop. After that, you’ll receive three cards. Congratulations. You’re halfway there to becoming a rakdos guildmage.
Step seven: the comedown.
The comedown is what happens when an adventure is almost over, and you’re ready to give up before you’re finished. It’s also known as clinical depression. Remember: You only truly fail when you give up. You’re almost there. Now you just need to survive. Hold onto your will to survive. I find that this song motivates me when I do this.
Step eight: Glory.
This isn’t a step. You’ve done all the steps. You’ve done it. After you accumulated three of this game’s cards, you obtained some of the hardest cards on Steam to obtain. You’re now a Rakdos guildmage. Go out into the world and tell of this gauntlet you’ve gone through and survived. Impress the ladies with tales of adventure. Quit your job and make the profit from the income you’ll no doubt gain from these cards. Use them to buy keys in tf2 and then start your new trading carreer. Eat a bag of ♥♥♥♥♥. I don’t give a ♥♥♥♥. Just remember the one that coached you to the top: me.
