Overview
The Discerning Bug’s Ultimate Guidebook to Not Playing Hollow Knight
Introduction
Hollow Knight is great. Its got a beautiful world, cool bosses, tons of bizarre spells and abilities, and a never-endingly enjoyable cast of anthropomorphic insects.
But there’s a problem.
Your laptop computer is about as technically advanced as the copper wiring in a lemon battery. That just isn’t going to cut it. Unfortunately, you already expelled all your gaming funds to purchase a Nintendo Genderswap so you could play THE LEGEND OF ZOLDO: BREADTH OF THE WIND.
So what’s a plucky young bug to do?
First off, you’re going to have to stop trying to play the game at 8 FPS. You can’t do it. You know you can’t. Cut that out.
The ONLY thing you can do is wait for hollow knight to come to your not-so-handheld.
Which is why I made this guide; so I can teach you how to survive the wait. Strap in kids, it’s going to be a cold winter.
1. Go outside and play with bugs
You can go outside and experience the real deal! Want to re-create the Hornet boss fight? Just find a nest and give it a swing! You’ll be saving grubs in no time!
2. Restart your computer in the hope that it will magically become not garbage
Worth a shot.
3. Formulate garbage fan theories
Did you know Hollow Knight is a direct sequel to A Bug’s Life that takes place during the Cold War?
4. Browse Rule34
Let it slowly dawn on you that you are fapping to bugs.
5. Play other games featuring bugs, or vaguely bug-esque creatures
1. Mister Mosquito
2. GiAnt
3. Starcraft
4. Bee 52
5. Battle Bugs
6. Pikmin
7. That “A Bug’s Life” game for the N64
8. The Pokemon games
9. Bugdom (The first one, not the sequel. Playing Bugdom 2 instead of Bugdom is like choosing to watch Birdemic 2 instead of the original. Why would you do that?)
6. Wrap yourself in a blanket and pretend you’re emerging from a cocoon
Or, if you’d prefer, you can pretend to be a fly larva eating its way out of a burrito.
7. Trap caterpillars in a jar and pretend to “rescue” them
Something is very wrong with you.
8. Scream
AUGHRGHRUGYTHUGRHYGUYHRUYRHGTUFHHVBFVJEBVHJBHEBVJUHBEBVLAUBIVISJENTJBNLIUBIERVLRUBVERIUBUREGHUYAHGFAUHFGAUHFGFUHAGUHDSGBDSUHVBUFGAADGFUAHGFAUGFAUHGFUHDGAUHDBSVUASHVBAUHVGAUHAUAUAGAUAHAUAAUAHGAGAGGAUAGAUHAGAGUAGHFUBFUEWBHFUEWBHVAURBVIYAAAYAUAGAUAAGAGAGAAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHGHHHHAHHAHHGHHGUHGHGHGHHGHHAUGUHGASUHGDAUSHBSUHCBJDSVNDFJVNMFNFKJENRIGENKVJNDJNVGJFBGHJBAUGAHAHAGHAGAHGAHAGAUGAUAGAUGAUGAUAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAGHAGAHGHEGHFBEJFHREJBVERHBIEWIOOOIHJIOHUHFIUHERFHUERFHRYGUAGYAGYAGGSGDYDGASHDGAHGYDHGAUUUAGAHAGAUHGHHHHH
9. Watch A Bug’s Life with the volume muted, and imagine your own plot
This concept also works with Antz, The Ant Bully, The Bee Movie, ect.
10. Create a totally rad OC
Here’s some basic idea templates to get you started:
1. Yolo Knight
He’s like the hollow knight but he wears visor glasses and drinks Kool-Aid.
2. Bolo Knight
He’s Like the Yolo knight but he always wears a Bolo tie.
3. Kale Knight
He’s the hollow knight’s son who is a vegan and fights bug crime.
4. Anthony Joshua
He’s an Ant who is also a professional boxer.
5. Marty McFly
He’s a Fly with the ability to move through time and solve mysteries.
6. Sephiroth
He’s an edgy villain bug who has a ridiculous haircut.
11. Formulate more garbage fan theories
I’m sure there’s a joke In there somewhere.
12. Accept that the Velvet Ant is actually a wasp
13. Accept that the Brazilian Treehopper does exist, and has hairy balls on its head
14. Create A Dank Meme
8/8 M8
