Overview
Learn how to finally combine the forces of cellular telephone and a knife, man’s oldest ambition.
How we do this business right
Cry of Fear, Crytek’s unusual horror-themed followup to Far Cry and Crysis, hides many secrets. One of these lurks right within the player’s inventory.
At the beginning of the game the player possesses both a cell phone with a flash light app or whatever, and a switchblade. Logic holds that the player can only use one of these instruments at a time.
Not so, say the imagineers at Crytek. A glimpse into the options reveals that the masterminds of gaming tech have done it again in breaking new ground in games realism (or ludorealism as it is known in the indie journosphere). Now, players may dual wield both a phone and a knife, at once, together.
CryENGINE 3’s features are even more advanced than previously demonstrated
Click on the camera, and select that tantalizing option, “DUAL WIELD.” At this point, a player may be forgiven for immediately exiting the menu, hoping to see two phones in each hand, but alas. More patience is required. After clicking “DUAL WIELD,” click on the knife. If you have followed these instructions carefully, you will now hold a phone in your right hand, and a knife in your left hand, raised in the classic Bates form of competitive murder-knifing.
In this stance, players have a multitude of new tactical options. Left click to stab. Right click to flashlight. Do them simultaneously. Etc. The thriving Cry of Fear mod community will no doubt explore the possibilities even further. Take selfies while slashing some old monster man’s face. Defend yourself against a handstanding mime zombie while checking in on Foursquare as the mayor of German Murder Hospital. Filet a fresh catfish with one hand, while the other scares away occult horrors with something even more terrifying: vertical videos.
The author hopes that this guide has been helpful, and that all you devoted “Cryfers” out there are enjoying the game.
The handedness complaint
One of the more controversial aspects of this feature is the seeming bias given to left-handed players. No matter whether you click the knife or camera first, the player will always hold the knife in their left hand, and the camera in their right. The outcry on Cry of Fear‘s many fan forums has been immense, as you can imagine. Wielding a knife is work for the dominant hand, which for 90% of the population is the right.
However, the current configuration makes tactical sense, and is in no way (as has been claimed by excitable internet conspiracy theorists) “left handed propaganda.”
Put yourself in the shoes of a Cry of Fear monster. After waddling, floating, or clipping through walls towards a human, you notice that he’s holding a cell phone in the right hand, pointed right at you. Defenseless, you think. You play a low-fi sound clip and jerkily animate towards him at super-speed. Then, the knife comes out.
Approximately 74% of human prehistory consisted of knife fights (ask any paleoanthropologist). Left-handed people evolved in such an environment and soon carved out (with their kill-knives) an ecological niche (in right-handed people’s chest cavities). However, right handers can also adopt this strategy, especially against hammer-wielding old men with bloody faces. This is called mimickry in biology.
A simple rhyme can help you distinguish between the two:
Left more than right, stab you at night.
Right more than left, doesn’t have to buy special scissors.
We hope that this clears up any confusion surrounding this latest gaming controversy.
Current limitations of the system
Due to the tentacles of Big Pharma and Amerikkka’s current Puritanical attitudes towards harmless plants and their products, it is not currently possible to dual wield a cell phone with a syringe full of morphine, or anything with a syringe full of morphine.
A clarion call is henceforth issued to all modders to remove this arbitrary limitation so that we can shoot up both needle-limb doll girls and ourselves at the same time.