[CONTEST] McPain’s Loadout, a guide on Ted’s upgrades

Overview

So you wanna be a Ted main, huh? This guide will walk you through what each upgrade does for Ted and when you oughta buy ’em

Introduction! BAM!

Ted McPain, the marine with no pants on, is aptly named because he brings the PAIN, baby! He’s a full on damage dealer, specializing in both burst and DPS (damage per second) in the form of his lurvley guns!

Yeah, I hear you fools yellin’, “What do I buy?” “When do I buy it?” “Where are my pants?!” Well, young marines, I aim to answer ALL of these questions by the end of this guide!

*except I dunno where your pants are

Need somthin’ to listen to while you read? How about THIS???

Now THAT’S my jam!

The smell of OZONE in the mornin’! (Airstrike)

Ted’s first row of upgrades is for his Airstrike ability. This launches a vertical explosion that deals some sweet burst damage to anyone above the flare you shoot. Base damage is 450 at the start of a game, and 706 once you reach level 20. The airstrike has a cooldown of 11 seconds and you can only use it while your machinegun is out, so use it wisely, wise-butt!

Now let’s take a look at the stuff you can deck your Airstrike out with!

Stealthy Ninja Weapons

These bad boys’ll give you damage over time for your airstrike. Deals 170 extra base damage (266 at lv20) over 5 seconds if you get both stages. Costs 145 solar per stage.

Use it when the straight-up damage for your airstrike ain’t enough. Best used when no one else on your team is particularly DOT heavy, like Gnaw is. Overall, not a bad bang for your buck.

Wheelbarrow with Ammo

Increases the overall damage of the Airstrike by 12% per stage (24% for both) which ain’t shabby at all. A staple for any well-rounded Ted build. Get this if you’re not sure as it almost always helps. Costs 450 solar in total which is steep but it’s worth every solar cube.

I-Don’t-Carebear

I know what you’re thinkin’, how’s a teddy bear gonna help me in the battlefield? Well, this ain’t no ordinary teddy bear – it’s a Teddy McPain Bear! And it stuns enemies for half a second when hit. Pretty good, right? But only get it if your team isn’t very good with crowd control, as you might as well not buy it if your team has a Scoop, Skolldir, Rocco or other CC nauts. Costs 180 solar.

Best used in conjunction with Double RPG to allow you to easily hit both ‘strikes. They can’t dodge if they’re stunned, right?

Double RPG

Now we’re talkin’! For 190 solar, this baby lets you fire TWO airstrikes consecutively, but they won’t hurt as much – 150 less damage per ‘strike. But, hot diggity, if you land both, that HURTS!

Use this if you wanna prioritise DPS over burst – such as when the other team is tank-heavy or you already have a sufficient nuker on your team (Froggy G, Clunk, Rocco, etc.)

Combine it with Stealthy Ninja Weapons to potentially double the DOT, with I-Don’t-Carebear to double the stun, or with Hamburger Phone to potentially spawn two heal packs.

Hamburger Phone

Mmmmm-MMM! That’s one tasty-lookin’ burger! Oh wait, it’s a phone. But it lets you call in a health kit with your airstrike, so that’s cool, right? Spawns a health pack where your ‘strike lands that does 300 base healing (471 at Lv20) with both stages, to yourself or one of your buddy Nauts. Costs 250 solar for both stages. Dinner time!

Buy this if your team’s sustain is poor – that is, if you lack good enough healing from other sources. So maybe don’t buy this if you have Voltar on your team, he’ll heal you up RIGHT anyways.

Also, when combined with Double RPG, it’ll spawn a health pack on both airstrikes, but the healing of each one will be reduced by a third. So if you take both, that’s about 30% more healing.

Princess Adlez Phone Number

Check out whose number you got, you stud! But I’m afraid you can’t go on a date with that princess ’til you’re done with your mission. In the meantime, this’ll make your airstrike go through everything below it as well as above it! Suh-weet. Costs only 150 solar (Man, she’s pretty cheap, for a princess…)

Buy this on maps that are tall (like AI Station or Starstorm) and rain death on those below you! There’s not much point in getting this against flying nauts (Yuri, Vinnie & Spike) though.

rrrrrrRRRRRAAAAHH LET’S GOOOOO! (Stimpack)

The second row of upgrades you’ll see is for Ted’s Stimpack ability. It’ll boost your attack speed and your weapon switch speed by 40% for 4 seconds. You can only use it with your shotgun out, and it has a cooldown of 10 seconds. Doesn’t sound too great, and it’s hugely underrated, but dangit, it can be very strong depending on how you build it.

Speakin’ of which, let’s check out your options.

Armpit Shaving Cream

While stimpack’s active you’ll get a personal shield that absorbs 20% of the damage you take (10% per stage). Perfect for when you wanna go on the defensive. Costs 310 solar for both stages.

This is one of the upgrades you wanna pick up if you want to use stimpack for getaways, as Ted can’t take too much heat. Also, maybe don’t pick this up if you have someone on the team who can give you shields anyways (Genji, Deadlift).

Ammo Weekly

Woohoo, that’s a great read! It gives you 24% extra attack speed while using stimpack, provided you pick up both stages. This stacks with the base increase, giving you 64% extra attack speed in total while stimpack’s up. It’ll set you back 250 solar, but it’s worth it for goin’ CRAZY in combat!

Use it to cut teamfights short, shred through tanks, or just push turrets superfast. It’s a good staple upgrade. Just mind your shotgun ammo!

Personal Assistant

This little… thing… gives you 2 more seconds of uptime with your stimpack if you get both stages. That means you get 6 seconds of stimpack time. Provided you use it at every opportunity, that means your stimpack will be active 60% of the time. That’s good. You want that? Good. But you’ll need to buy it with 310 solar first, stingy!

Again, a great all-around stimpack upgrade. Not so good with Angel Wing Toilet Paper or Grénaide pour Homme, though, as those upgrades only work when using stimpack initially.

Angel Wing Toilet Paper

Unlike normal toilet paper, this stuff’s for emergencies only. It fully reloads your shotgun when you use your stimpack, which is great for staying active during teamfights, as you don’t need to wait to reload – just pop your pack. Costs 145 solar.

Good when your enemies are being aggressive, as this upgrade helps you stay in the fight longer as far as ammo’s concerned.

Sniper Toothbrush

This gives you a speed boost of 30% while stimpack’s up, which is great for chasing or being chased. And you can flash your pearly whites at those fools as you retreat to safety. Costs 200 solar.

Most effective when you buy Space Air Max, as that’ll increase your overall movement speed. Also, consider not buying this when your allies’ builds can give you a speed boost (Ix’s Mammoth Hair Scarf, Genji’s Gettin Out of Da Hood).

Grénaide pour Homme

Ted’s number one fragrance is so great, it’ll stun all nearby enemies with its stench for 0.3 seconds when he uses stimpack. A moderate crowd control that’s good for interrupting certain abilities such as Froggy G’s Whirlpool or Ix’s Psionic Bond. Costs 160 solar.

Again, don’t buy it if your team has good crowd control already, but if you use it right, you’ll be the sexiest Ted main around. Whoa, mama!

Get your tickets to the GUN SHOW. (Shotty ‘n’ Machiney)

Hoooo boy, now here’s the moment you’ve been waitin’ for. Time to check your load out. It’s time to show off the Shotgun and the Machinegun. Because I’m lazy, I’ll just call ’em SG and MG. Saves my poor fingers from fallin’ off typing, so I can use ’em to pull the trigger instead.

Let’s start with your SG. It does 210 damage at base (329 at lv20) and it can hit enemies in a small area, meaning it’s good for enemies all bunched up. The catch? You have limited ammo, and you have to reload if you run out. You get 4 shots, and you reload 1 shot for every 2 seconds you spend not firing your SG. So quit shootin’ every once in a while! Or, better yet, switch to your MG while reloading. It’s also worth mentionin’ that the shotgun has a small amount of knockback, meaning you can interrupt enemies using those jumppads if you time your shot right. The SG’s your go-to weapon for teamfights, until you’re outta ammo.

Now, onto the MG. It does 42 base damage (65 at lv20). Piddly, right? Well, it has a very fast firing rate, and infinite ammo, so spray ‘n’ pray! It also has a longer range than your SG, and you move slightly faster with the MG out. You can’t move in the opposite direction of where you’re firing with this, and you move slower while firing, so maybe don’t use the infinite ammo as much as you’d like to. The MG’s best for pushing turrets and droids, or during teamfights when you’re outta SG ammo.

Switching between these two weapons takes 0.6 seconds, less if stimpack’s active, so learn when to switch weapons.

Whew, now let’s get to your upgrades for your guns!

Ted McPain Unicorn Dance Karting

Here comes the hottest racing game of the 36th century! The sheer energy emnating from this awesome video game lets you fire grenades alongside your SG shots. These grenades take a brief moment to arm, lay around for 6 seconds once armed, and deal 160 (251 at Lv20) area damage when stood on, assuming you bought both stages. Costs 300 solar in all.

Increases Ted’s effective range, and allows for an indirect way of dealing damage. Oo-rah!
When you feel like playing Yuri but then you realise you’re terrible at Yuri.

Commando Ted Figurine

This badass action figure grants you 26% extra SG damage and 34% extra MG damage, with both stages bought. A staple of any self-respecting Ted build. Almost always a must-buy. Just mind the 420 solar price tag, maggot!

Teddy’s Bulleyes

Ted McPain™-brand cereal’s great because it comes with 2 extra shotgun shells as a free gift! Costs 270 solar for two packs, found at your local T-Mart. Helps you stay in teamfights longer, especially when used with Ted McPain™-brand Angel Wing Toilet Paper.

(Not suitable for children under 21 due to small parts and live ammunition)

Tedris Ville

Apart from being a microtransaction-laden app for your phone, this game adds a 135-damage (211 at Lv20) long-range shot to your MG. It can only fire every 1.2 seconds so wait between shots.

Very good for poking away at nauts who prefer to fight at range, like Raelynn. Also great for preventing enemies from getting away with 1 HP.

Can O’Juice!

Not as good as Monster energy, but this stuff gives you extra range for your normal MG shots. Great for killing droids from a safe distance so as not to get poked, or for deterring close-range nauts like Clunk or Skolldir.

It’s also a good pick if your teammates have poor attack range as well, so you can hit what they can’t. Good stuff!

Ted’s Power Briefs

Ted’s best form of crowd control. The obnoxious stench from these panties causes enemies to naturally be pushed away much further whenever you hit them with the SG.

Good for deterring would-be chasers, forcing enemies into danger, or simply preventing that annoying Ayla from killing you for the thirteenth time this match.

McPain don’t need help! …Er, please? (Utilities)

YARRR! It’s the undeadest terror ever to stomp the seven galaxies, Captain McPain!

Avast ye landlubbers, I’ll be takin’ ov’r this here guide from here on!

Cower before the terror o’ me sea shanty!

Now I’m gonna give ya the low-down on the booze we serve in these parts! So what’s yer poison, scallywag?

Power Pills Turbo

Arr, this be an ol’ favrit o’ mine. This’ll give ya 16% more health, provided ya buy two. And on’y fer 260 solar? No better bev’rege in the seven galaxies, I tell ye. Get this if yer feelin’ too squishy an’ ya wanna stay in fights long’r!

Med-i’-can

This one’s a strong drink – it’ll gi’ ye 180% more life regen’ration. Ov’rall very good fer when ye lack oth’r source o’ health. Helps ye ov’rcome that scurvy… wha’s i’ called… “damage ov’r time”? Ye, tha’. Whatev’r that be. Har har!

Space Air Max

Thi’ one’s a lil’ controvers’al, if y’ask me – it’ll give ye extra movement speed! Not only tha’, it’ll gi’ you, and on’y you, 20% better accel’ration. Y’know, gets you up ter speed fast’r. But still, I wouldn’ recommend, ‘less you got one o’ those fancy Snip’r Toot-brushes, so you move ev’n fast’r. It’ll cost ye 135 solar.

Baby Kuri Mammoth

I tend ter serve this’un when ther be some tough, crowd-control types aboard th’ ship. Y’know, Skolldir, Rocco, them types. This drink be a miracle – it makes ye LESS drunk by lowerin’ how much yer ‘ffected by debuffs by 30%. I person’lly don’t like it since ah like ter get drunk, but tha’s jus’ me. Costs ye 110 solar.

Piggy Bank

YAARRRR, don’ touch me stash, landlubber! Well, I s’pose ye can… but it’s on’y got 100 solar in it! Ye make more than tha’ in five minutes! On top o’ tha’, I’ll serve ye one less drink if you take it. Ye really think tha’s worth it? Well, I s’pose sometimes ye jus’ need a leg up… I know I do! Har har!

Starstorm Statue

An’ this be me last brand. It gives ye 10% more damage for all yer skills for both stages, and I mean ALL yer skills. An’ ye seem like a tough cust’mer, so go nuts! If ye like nuthen else here, this one’s usu’lly a fair choice. Sets ye back 250 solar in all.

I shall respawn!

…And that’s all the upgrades available to the number one marine, Ted McPain. Now get out there and make this old Killer Koala proud! GET SOME!