How to “ACTUALLY” play the British

Overview

Hah! You just bought yourself the shiny, tea-sipping, royally-air bombing Brits – Or, are you a long time player just getting into the swing of kicking some Krauts back to Berlin, (Only to have Stalin tell you to chill about 60 kilometers outside…), whichever you are, this guide will give you the ultimate skillset required to master the British Armed Forces.

Introduction – Yorkshire Tea, Gold.

Keep Calm and Carry On
– Sun Tzu, or something, the Art of War.

To begin this guide, I’d like to give you a few recommendations of items to bring along with you in this journey! A journey of perils, lack of resources, inability to build anything – even that kitchen sink you’ve been meaning to put in for months, and the all-powerful… turtling

To begin,

• – Yorkshire Tea, preferably Gold – but any variant will work.
• – Or tea in general. Even Earl-Gray, just have tea.
• – You’ll really, really, want some patience, throw up some propaganda on your second monitor, or phone. British propaganda preferably and whenever you get bored, just look back on it.
• – Lastly, the ability to spam land mattresses. Bonus if you’re using the All-Units mod.

And last, but not least – before we begin this glorious journey of British domination, within the Empire of that which the sun shan’t ever set and colonization without permission. (It’s not conquest, I promise)… Always remember,

“Who Dares Wins”

Step 1 – The Early-Game

“He who turtles, he who wins.”
– Sun Zoo

You’ll want to RP as the OKW for this one, because you’re barely going to be able to afford anything. The Early-Game for the British forces requires a looaad of patience and is turtling galore. You’ll build one royal engineer and be literally broke for the next three hours. Atleast the voice lines and announcers are the cheeriest folk in the entire game. They’re so happy and oh-so excited.

“You must either be crazy, or extremely confident-”
– Random NPC from Skyrim.
But it fits perfectly here, to even touch this faction you must want to literally rip your own hair out and feed it to the demon that lives under your bed, or be so overconfident that you scream “I can 1v4 the Expert AI” all the time, or “I can 1v4 anyone”. But, enough exposition – here’s some strats, pro league strats.

First, your infantry.
You start with an infantry section, some random freshly made 18 year olds (You can’t convince me they aren’t younger, but, I don’t write the history books…) that got told the enemy has their tea and that if they don’t kill the kraut, the kraut will pour sauerkraut all over London again. Send them off to go die for the glorious Empire, grab some territory points and such.

Also, the Inf section allows you to throw caches on points. I guess the training program just threw them a guide on how to extract basic resources, well played.

Continuing,
The Vickers HMG. It’s beautiful, it’s amazing, it has a lot of range – make it. Just bloody make it mate, throw it somewhere and rack up those kills.

While you’re doing this, grab yourself a Royal Engineer.
He’s better than the rest of the Engineers in the game, because he’s Royal. If you’re not aware, the Nobility is always toward the top of the caste system. With this pal, you can then start making the real fun-time stuff, the buildings…

Step 1.2 – Universal Carriers and lovely PIATs

“I don’t know, it’s like universal remotes or something…”
– Winston Churchill

The Universal Carrier is, essentially a universal … it’s a carrier. It can use a flamethrower, the much less cool word for Flammenwerfer, it’s bloody great for burning down buildings and taking down any early-game infantry, making sure you get those early-game territorial caps, before you lose all your infantry and ability to hold the points…

He’s also a speedyboi, great for supporting Royal Engineers, placing down those forward assemblies and razor wires, etc. He’s especially weak though, so, good luck keeping him alive.

Next,
The PIAT. Not – however, NOT to be confused with the company ‘FIAT’, they make cars. Also it’s an Italian company, expect nothing from them. PIAT stands for “Projector, Infantry, Anti Tank” Not sure why they included a projector inside of it, I guess for field-training videos…

But we want to focus on one little word.
One tiny, tiny – dismissable word: Anti-Tank

You’re going to want to give them to literally anyone who can hold them, Children? Animals? The Elderly? Everyone. Continuing your OKW RP, think of it as Sturmpioneers with Panzerschreks, or Fallschirmjaegers with Panzerfausts. You want this, wipe out those early half tracks and even some light tanks, if you’re lucky.

Step 2 – Buildings, mate – bloody buildings.

“Tech. Literally that’s it-“
– Any RTS/4X/Anything Player.

If you don’t get tech, you don’t progress, it’s simple. Unless you’re playing Kriegspiel on a map that is a literal zig-zag for several-hundred miles and can’t reach any sort of tech, you should be just fine. These buildings will allow you to make cooler infantry, just as cheerful as the last, but no-one actually knows whats inside of them. If I had to wager, it’s stockpiles upon stockpiles of Yorkshire Tea Gold, that’s the only way anyone could be so cheerful coming out of one.

I don’t need to cover the buildings in depth, let’s be honest, anyone with two eyes can figure out what the bloody hell they do.
Tiny, condensed, together – much like my di-
Ahem, This is your base. There are many, many thousands like it but this one is yours. Take care of it, love on it – give it a hug or three. You’re probably going to lose it. Unless you make one… special piece of … loving military hardware. Which, I’ll cover in a step dedicated entirely to its own.

Let’s fast forward however, the bofors.
Bane of the Ostheer.
“lol gg ez ostheer unlucky xD”
– 4,600 hour UKF main.

This piece of hardware, lovely thing. Before it’s nerf was even worse than it is now. This feeds into the UKF doctrine of “build emplacements gg ez”. It’s such an amazing tool of war, every UKF player should place it as early as possible and in the best position. Rip and tear, mate, rip and bloody tear.

But now…
The moment you’ve all been waiting for.
The easiest way to win this game…

Land Matty.

Step 3 – Gg ez, land matty.

“Land mattress, land mattress, why are you so f-cking good.”
– Me, at 3 AM.

Once you create this engineered war crime of an artillery piece – it is game. It is literally game. Especially if you make multiples of them and there’s a bridge separating you from the opposing force. Even more bonus points if it’s destructible, A+++++++++++

I should stop beating around the bush here…
The Land Mattress is good. No, scratch that, its amazing. Though the general consensus is that it’s NOT overpowered, which, to each their own… I’m not getting into that debate. Any defenses you have? Kiss them goodbye, any infantry pushes the Ostheer plan on making? Gone. Never existed,

What, you think they existed? Surely you’re not going against double-think. Because they never did. The minute they came into range of your land mattresses, it was over, they were deleted. Especially if you have the All-Units mod and make entire EMPLACEMENTS dedicated to them. I’ve had entire defensive positions wiped in one barrage from a single emplacement.

(Granted lefh counter-barrage does a nice job of deterrance.)

Pair these with a bofors and then you wait, until the enemy either shoots themselves irl from this game, rage quits, or you finally have enough material to push with… which leads me to my final topic.

Armor.

Step 4 – Finality, The End – Your terrible Armor.

Breaking tradition here,
No quote. Because this step is somber, its depressing. But, not unexpected from a nation who names a bloody tank “Valentine”

“Ey, Stabsgefreiter!”
“Ja?”
“Zey have a VALENTINE!”

This is the moment our character, Stabsgefreiter, starts laughing. Who would be terrified of a valentine. Would you be my valentine, reader?
But much like all of the allied factions, your armor sucks. It’s terrible. Granted the Churchills are “okay”. For this you’ll want to give up on your OKW RP, if you haven’t beforehand, because nothing can compare to the beauty of a Konigstiger… heh.

You get a crocodile, which in addition to their crew of likely australians being absolutely terrifying alone, (A crew of convicts man, wtf?) It’s a tank with a lovely-dovely flamethrower, again, not as cool as a flammenwerfer. But, being a tank – its subject to tank weaknesses. Like Anti-Tank. So it’s rarely ever worth it.

If I could suggest anything?
It’s spam out churchills. You can win entire pushes with churchills, especially if your enemy is stupid enough to continually throw your tanks into your AT guns.

Don’t let this little guy’s gun fool you, he will wreck your *entire* day. If he isn’t alone.

That’s it, you graduated.
You can now sip tea with 10,000% efficiency. Congratulations.

Conclusion.

“I’m way too good at goodbyes”
– George Washington, during the Revolutionary War.

As this says,
Just keep calm. You don’t have to try unless you get put up against someone who is really skilled. In conclusion, you did it – you graduated. You read through this sh-tpost of a guide and made it to the end. You’re probably wondering,

“Is he going to give me an actual tip now? Is the real guide coming?”
No. I’ve been a disappointment my entire life, I’m not stopping now. This was it. Congratulations, there is no reward. I hope you feel as disappointed as Chell was when she found out the Cake was actually a lie.

You graduated UKF school. Now go spam land mattresses and win games, gg ez ostheer lol unlucky