Fallout: New Vegas Guide

How to become a... BADASS! for Fallout: New Vegas

How to become a… BADASS!



You say you WANT to be a badass?

♥♥♥♥♥ you aint ♥♥♥♥! you think you can just walk in here with your ♥♥♥♥♥ little ♥♥♥♥♥ and come talk ♥♥♥♥ to me!?!?!?!?! ♥♥♥♥♥ SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!

I am going to make you into the badass you think you are! I am going to turn you from this…

Into this…

So before you wake up from getting raped by doc Mitchel you better LISTEN!

♥♥♥♥♥ I am going to show you how to become BADASS!

First things first when doc Mitchel wakes you up you wanna rape him back, you dont want to know the kinky ♥♥♥♥ he’s been doing to your sweet SWEEEEET ass. So yea you are going to wake up with a bad “ass” but you wont BE a badass.

So Davie how do I become as badass and sexy as you?

First you have to realise that you aint ♥♥♥♥!

This is what you look like to me!

Anyway after you have accepted that fact we can move on… I’ll give you a minute……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Right you done? Good. Once you have ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up doc mitchel for raping you while you were in a coma you want to beat the S H I T out of that vigor tester (SHOW IT WHO’S BOSS!!!) Once you walk away from the machine with a broken hand and you are crying because it beat you I want you to somehow telepathically set your entire life to hardcore. Dont ask how you do it.

Once you have did that I want you to throw away all of your food and water and go find some metal. You know some old irradiated tin cans that cut your gums, that is going to be what you live on for the rest of your life… What you say your thirsty? TOUGH ♥♥♥♥, the only thing you’re going to be drink is the blood of your enemies! So get out there and ♥♥♥♥ them up

What, you think you’re a badass!?? WRONG!

You are in no way a badass with armour and a gun! Strip down so your shlong is hanging down (I wrap mine around my leg and tie it in a knot at my ankle). However you secure your penis you must use it! You see a woman, wave it around and then ask (because even badasses have manners) if she wants it, if no KILL HER and drink her blood. If you see a man do the same thing but if he says no BLOW HIS EYEBALLS OUT AND SKULL ♥♥♥♥ HIM!!!

So davie how do I fight? I cant whip people with my penis.

If you cant whip people with your penis then you shouldn’t be reading this guide, to be a badass the first prerequisite is to have a massive ♥♥♥♥ with thorns on it. If you don’t have that ♥♥♥♥ OFF!!!

Anyway once you have whiped your ♥♥♥♥ out and have opened the saloon door with it, that is when you have made it (and yes it has to be a twisting door knob that you open with YOUR knob, handles are for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!!!)

What you thought you were done!? That was just step one, step two coming up!

Step two I promise is your final goal, and yes it is to punch a Deathclaw in the face!

How to do that is tough I wont lie to you, I of course can wrap my ♥♥♥♥ around it’s neck and strangle it until I and it have came… All over the floor… And… in my mouth… But obviously you will never be as sexy and as badass as me because well, I am just FANTASTEK (REFERENCE!)

Anyway here is step one in punching a deathclaw…

Right first I want you to stand up straight with your ♥♥♥♥ hanging between your legs and just shout and insult directed towards the deathclaws mother. Maybe reference your ♥♥♥♥ (DO NOT LET THE MOTHER HEAR YOU, THEM ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ARE CRAY CRAY).

Second you have to prepare yourself for the deathclaws ♥♥♥♥ as it will undoubtedly try to rape your anus. You must time it perfectly so that your ♥♥♥♥ latches onto the deathclaws ♥♥♥♥ and rips it off (eat the penis if you want, it tastes delicious). Finally wrap your penis around the deathclaws claw and drag it towards you then using your hand I want you to make a fist shape. To do this you have to (listen carefully) take your hand and make it into a kind of clenched shape finally punch it right in it’s ugly mug. If the first blow doesn’t kill it you are not a badass I can’t help you become one…

Thank you very much for reading (happy whipping)