Overview
The essential BattleBlock Theater guide that teaches you how to not explode! Now with an introduction!!!
An introduction
How to not Explode is of vital importance to all of San Antonio, Texas and Around 6/8 of Nebraska. It is literally a matter of life and being very, very dead. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected. So begins How To Not Explode, a meditation on the rules of Exploding that was first published in Kentucky, USA. Historians don’t know the exact date of the guide’s publication (though they believe it to be in the 4th or 5th century); in fact, they don’t even know who wrote it! Scholars have long believed that How to not Explode’s author was a Canadian military leader named Arden Raven, or Ardaven. Today, however, many people think that there was no Ardaven: Instead, they argue, the book is a compilation of generations of Canadian Explosionist theories and teachings on ways to painfully die a whole lot. Whether or not Ardaven was a real person, it’s clear that he was very wise: The Art of Exploding written in his book, “How to not Explode”, still resonates with all of us, in our hearts.
Step 1: Be a toast.
Go to your special heads and select toast. If you don’t have the toast head, they’re like, 3 cents on the steam market. Why do you need to be a toast? I don’t know, why not?!?!?!?!
Step 2: Don’t explode.
Don’t explode. The ways TO explode are as follows:
-Getting shot
-Getting lasered
-Getting laserered
-Getting lasererererererererededifiededed
-Self-destructing
-Getting blown up by paper airplane
-Getting blown up by a frisbee
-Getting blown up by a frog (Stupid freaking frogs.)
-Being inside an exploding block (impossible, so you’ll be fine)
-BEING an exploding block (again, it’s impossible, so don’t start worrying about being an exploding block)
-Getting shot and blown up by a cannon.
This has been, how to explode. So, just don’t do any of this stuff, and you’ll be fine.
Step 3: Dance because you didn’t explode.
Make a bunch of random movements(not in any order or way that makes you explode, though.).
It looks like you’re dancing!!! If you imagine and try to just pretend that whatever the heck that is is dancing.
Step 4: The Final Step
This is very important, and the fact that you actually cared enough to look through this sad excuse for a guide makes you worthy of it: DOOPDOOPDOOPDOOPETYUJHGFSRE%WUW^JHTGRFQWYHBFEAKMMEOWMEOWMEOWMEOWMEOWMEOWMEOWEEEEREDEFGSTRgvnuteguuhguhrhiijijijijijij
Step 5: A little extra step…
-Go to chapter 8. Go to final level (encore) in insane mode and Try to not get blown up by all the hundreds of cannons or whatever. If you’ve failed and exploded then follow these simple steps:
Burger made of you.
Total Time: 20 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 10 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy
Ingredients
1 1/2 pounds ground chuck of you (80 or 90 percent lean)
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 tablespoons baby oil
4 slices cheese (optional)
4 hamburger buns, split; toasted, if desired
ADD CHECKED ITEMS TO GROCERY LIST
Directions
Toasted Burger Buns
Divide yourself into 4 equal portions (about 6 ounces each). Form each portion loosely into a 3/4-inch-thick burger and make a deep depression in the center of your thumb. Season both sides of each burger with salt and pepper.
IF USING A GRILL: Heat a gas grill to high or heat coals in a charcoal grill until they glow bright orange and ash over. Brush yourself with the oil. Grill yourself until golden brown and slightly charred on the first side, about 3 minutes if you’re female and 5 minutes if you’re male. Flip yourself over (if you can). Cook feet until golden brown and slightly charred on the second side, 4 minutes for medium rare (3 minutes if topping with cheese; see step 3) or until cooked to desired degree of doneness. Cook stomach until cooked throughout, about 5 minutes on the second side.
IF USING A GRILL PAN: Heat a grill pan over high heat on top of the stove. Cook yourself as for a grill, above.
IF USING A SAUTE PAN OR GRIDDLE (PREFERABLY CAST IRON): Heat the baby oil in the pan or griddle over high heat until the baby oil begins to shimmer. Cook the arms until golden brown and slightly charred on the first side, about 3 minutes for male and 5 minutes for female. Flip over the burgers. Cook female burgers until golden brown and slightly charred on the second side, 4 minutes for medium rare (3 minutes if topping with cheese) or until cooked to desired degree of doneness. Cook male burgers until cooked throughout, about 5 minutes on the second side.
Add the cheese, if using, to the tops of the burgers during the last minute of cooking and top with a basting cover, close the grill cover, or tent the burgers with aluminum foil to melt the cheese.
Sandwich the hot burgers between the buns and serve immediately.
Step 6: WARNING!!!!!
IF YOU HAVE THE IQ OF FISH EGGS AND THINK THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO COOK YOURSELF, PLEASE DISREGARD THE 5TH STEP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Step 7: Finally the Final step.
You’ve gotten yourself made into four nice burgers made of you. You haven’t exploded. Though, if you have, go turn on a sawmill, and run your neck through the blade. Because you shouldn’t have exploded. It’s painful and bad, and painful and bad things are painful and bad. FREAKING PAINFUL AND BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, now that you’ve passed through the human burger step, go feed yourself to some squirrels, because otherwise you’ll be experiencing the pain and agony that all burgers feel, and if squirrels eat you won’t feel jack squat, but that’s just ’cause you’ll be dead.
Step 8: The step after the final step
This step is optional for anyone who wishes to not explode and die a whole bunch that way:
While in the process of not exploding, make sure you have the proper equipment equipped with your equippificationer:
– Toast head
– Goggles
– A sandwich (in case you get hungry while not exploding)
– A dog
– A Vest
– 3 more vests
– Chili in the pockets of your vests
– The entire United States and 3/4 of Austrailia cheering you on.
– A cat
– A friend screaming in horror beside you.
An ending
How to not explode still befuddles its readers to this very day, as no one knows, or really even cares enough to decipher its true meaning. Not that it really matters, though. The book confused anyone but the writer himself, and possibly when he died, the true meaning of “How to not Explode ” was lost with him, and leaving everyone who reads it confused and with a sudden urge to eat pudding.
Not that he really cared if anyone figured out the true meanings of his book.
He could have really cared less.
The final ending
This is that part.