Overview
Welcome children to this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ horror show of a guide where i show you the general do’s, dont’s and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ that i’ll ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ cover later MOM GET OFF MY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BACK you skank jesus christ, anyway read on if you’re a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ idiot
Let’s kick this ♥♥♥♥ off, oh christ
Ok, so you managed to lift that big greasy sausage of a finger of yours and hit the download button, congratulations, dad would be proud of you if he hadn’t been ♥♥♥♥♥♥ to death by the local YMCA youth group program simultaneously. So now what you ask? Do i get to kill all the zombies and be an cool guy?
Firstly no, secondly hahahahahahahaha
For real though, everyone who just jumps in and starts just clicking at zombies will both A: get ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up so bad you’ll be ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ teeth for the next decade and B: your entire team will ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate you and ban you faster than gay marriage in russia. Now for those of you there’s still hope for, you should ask yourself: “What the ♥♥♥♥ am i doing so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wrong?”. Well have no fear child, big pappa mecha is here to soothe your aches and stroke that little pecker of yours.
So we’ll tackle this in steps to avoid confusing and enraging the average steam user so you ♥♥♥♥♥ at home can follow along <3
ABSOLUTE BASICS PLEASE READ THIS DADDY DONT HIT ME AGAIN
Ok, so you’re in-game, you’re feeling good, your lil’ pecker’s all erect and whatnot, you’re ready to do some zombie murderin’, but either you already got your ♥♥♥♥ pushed in or you’ve played around with the controls and realised something:
“These characters are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ worthless”
This is a key part of this game, you’re basically playing as that kid from school who had that gimpy leg who spoke kind of funny and got tired just from staring at the really young kids from afar. Your stamina is crap, your speed is crap, your punches do absolutely nothing, your health is crap, you get infected faster than an olympian in a brazilian swimming pool and you take 5 years to use most non-combat items. Did i mention your stamina is crap?
So, first thing’s first, slow down, look at every situation beforehand. How many zombies? Do any of them have armour? What gear do i have? What situation is my gear suited for? Is there another way through besides killing everything? Do i have to kill them all or just a few to progress? Will my teammates help me out?
Just asking these questions already puts you leagues ahead of the average ♥♥♥♥♥♥, situational awareness and decent decision making are like, 80% of the reason you’ll stay alive in this game. Im not even joking, just dont be a complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and this game is fine.
this is the part where you fap
Alrighty then, on to the bit everyone likes, especially your grandma: Toys. Not the big vibrating kind though (sorry grandma), the cool murdery kind of toys. Lets break the weapons down to some basic groups shall we?
- Small melee
- Large melee
- Pistols
- SMGs
- Rifles
- Shotguns
- Throwables (Technically this applies to everything but ♥♥♥♥ it whatever im doing this ♥♥♥♥ for fun or something)
So let’s start from the top like good little boys and girls:
DISCLAIMER
Do note i wont be getting into the minmaxy side of things, when i say a bracket is good at something or bad there are always exceptions so be aware of that you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sticklers.
Small melee.
This ranges from knives to wrenches to pipes to the flashlight, anything you can hold in one hand pretty much. Low stamina cost to swing, fairly quick windup for big hits, dont weigh a lot, some do pretty decent damage (oh machete you sexy ♥♥♥♥♥), and most of these can be thrown for decent damage, although do watch out for the reach of the weapon (♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kitchen knife may as well be attached to your face). All in all ALWAYS have a decent small melee to fall back on when ammo or stamina is at a premium
Large melee
Big, ♥♥♥♥ off meaty stuff, sledgehammers, fireaxes, big wrenches, if you like doing serious damage up close or you wanna compensate for a micropecker this is the stuff for you. Long swing times, big stamina expenditure, great damage, good reach and long windup. Perfectly capable of serving as a main weapon but it can ♥♥♥♥ you over real fast if you’re not careful.
Pistols
♥♥♥♥ .22 WEAPONS, THEY CAN ALL GO DIE
seriously, any gun that requires that many bullets for a headshot kill consistently is NOT WORTH PICKING UP, YOU ARE DEAD WEIGHT WHEN USING THIS.
Anywho, the REST of the pistols are actually…..all pretty ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ great. ok range, ammo consumption rate is totally managable great rate of fire, surprising stopping power, usually decent clip sizes(cough cough magnum cough cough), ammo is usually not a huge issue and they’re light. A good marksman with a pistol can get you through almost any issue in this game.
SMGs
Look at me. I know we’ve had our differences but look at me. Dont do it sweetheart. It’s not worth it. You’re playing a zombie game, where accuracy, stopping power, range and ammo consumption are all huge factors. THIS IS A BAD IDEA. PLEASE. YOUR FAMILY PRETENDS TO LOVE YOU, DONT DO THIS, FOR THEIR SAKE.
Rifles
Right, on from a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ to an impressive display of raw penis power. Rifles are a blast to use (Except the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ .22 i swear to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ god ill kill myself after this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥), ammo is pretty rare at the best of times so any ♥♥♥♥ shots just please dont pick them up, your aim is genuinely cancer and so are you if you waste a rifle. Great accuracy and range, stopping power second only to a shotgun, can come in semi auto, auto or sniper flavours (yummy cummies) and one or two even come with a cute little bayonet to skewer dirty communists with. However, ammo is a problem, and auto rifles hoover up bullets like a thai hooker does bloodborne STI’s, not to mention most are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ heavy and limit your inventory, so use with caution.
Shotguns
god im so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hard right now. Shotguns in this game rock. Beastly stopping power, can come in pump action and semi auto flavours, great for ammo management and the ammo isnt as hard to find as you’d think, range and accuracy arent too bad either, only main problems are weight, clip capacity (Looking at you you double barrelled ♥♥♥♥) and reload times. Great for newboys and pro ♥♥♥♥♥ alike, always great to bring along to a party or a school shooting.
Throwables
Not much to say really, you throw ♥♥♥♥ and cool stuff happens, that’s about it. If friendly fire’s on use with caution, you can ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ your whole team with a grenade if you’re not careful. You can throw your smaller melee weapons like knives and hatches for damage too which makes you an instant badass rockstar, and also unarmed, so, yknow, go die in a cool way ♥♥♥♥♥♥.
dis where da gameplay lives, get you some
Ok, now for the actual bit where you play with yourself and other lovely boys. So, you may be asking yourself, “Mecha you piece of actual human garbage, what, in your opinion is the best technique in the game besides the button you use to kill yourself which i wish was real so you’d go do that?” Well firstly mom you forgot my lunch again so ♥♥♥♥ off, secondly good question, and my answer is the shove feature.
No for real, im not ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ with you, it’s the shove.
The shove costs low stamina, stuns the zombie it hits, you can hit more than one zombie at once with it if you aim right and it distances them from you, plus with a bayonet you deal extra MASSIVE DAMAGE to the GIANT ENEMY CRAB’s weakpoint so that’s a neat feature. Anywho, when a zombie grabs you, you shove, when you wanna wind up a big hit, shove first, when a zombie is pilfering your friend’s butthole, shove them off, just shove shove shove the night away you little teen hooligan hanging about the local Tesco. If you can ingrain it into your head to just keep doing this, your survival rate will skyrocket, not even ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kidding. So, besides the shove, what else can we do?
Sprinting, well they call it sprinting, honestly the tumour in my brain grows at a faster rate than these pensioners run at. Useful to get to or away from somewhere quickly, uses stamina over time so be careful about long runs you fat ♥♥♥♥. Can be used in conjunction with shoving to create openings in hordes of zombies to squeeze through like you’re prairie dogging hardcore so you don’t have to murder all the children hahhahahahahahahaha good one ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nail every little ♥♥♥♥ you see right between the eyes with that rifle johnny.
Wind up attacks are, ehhhhh, fine depending on the circumstances. Can get you absolutely mangled if you take too long like you’re sperging out in the middle of class AGAIN, but it does do extra damage and can be useful in mopping up stray zombies, so use it at your own discretion.
Holding down the reload key quickly tells you on the fly how much ammo is in your gun and how much is left in your gaping ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, always good to check every now and again.
Oh and i suppose it warrants saying, use the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ radial menu you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, it’s great and you feel great using it, only true winners use radial menus.
the bit where you have to socialise you absolute freak
Ok so yeah, this is a multiplayer game which means you *may* not be the dumbest sack of ♥♥♥♥ around, which is kind of scary honestly. So here’s some ♥♥♥♥ you can do to work on your social skills you absolute pariah ♥♥♥♥. Gonna make this section short and sharp because ho boy, people are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dumb in this game.
- TALK TO EACH OTHER, communication is so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ important so either turn on that ♥♥♥♥♥♥ warsaw era mic or smash some rancid ♥♥♥♥ into the text box, but do SOMETHING you ♥♥♥♥
- Share the ammo you’re not using, hogging it slows you down like the fat ♥♥♥♥♥ at the buffet trying to steal all the fudge cake, and if you’re holding it that means someone else ISN’T shooting it
- Ask people if they need stuff, some people wont ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ say anything til it’s too late and their infected carcass is already munching on your wienus
- If you honestly suck with a weapon, give it to someone who doesn’t, good players deserve good gear and will make your life way easier by murdering all your enemies and your girlfriend too for a price
- Don’t just use up all the meds and pills, see if anyone else is in worse shape than you and share the love, unless they’re stupid in which case they can go die in a hole in real life.
- TALK. TO. EACH. OTHER.
- If there’s an objective and someone doesn’t know what it is or where it is, help out, more people doing objectives, more progress, more cummies from daddy
So yeah, work on that ♥♥♥♥ and, well, you’ll still be a bunch of worthless ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ but at least now you can feel like you have actual friends for once (you don’t).
i have work in an hour and i want to die
Right, that’s about all you’ll need to not die like a complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ for about 5 minutes in this game, hopefully this helps someone who downloads this game because it’s just making me spiral harder into a bottle of jameson’s. And remember children, the button to kill yourself is always there. beckoning. begging. pleading with you.
D O I T