Overview
In this glorious and very (not) good guide, I shall teach you good people of steam… How to play this game and have fun like a true Croatian from the countryside would :DPrepare your kurva’s and kurac’s xĐ
|DISCLAIMER|
This whole guide is written mostly as a joke (or is it ?…) and is from my view on playing the game and trying to have fun in it…. plus I was a bit drunk on some of these so bare with me xĐ
If you are too sensitive and wanna tell me im being a idiot, please spare me, the people and go back to what makes ya happy 😀
Anyways on with the GUIDE !
Introduction into the glorious Croatian Style of playing
Okay hear me out, my reaserch on this game is very “in depth” and this whole guide will teach you… that one of the best ways to have fun… is by trying to be like us Croatians and play like us.
For this guide to be of more us I recommend 1 liter of Rakija, your favourite *coughs* Ante Pavelić/Josip Broz Tito bodypillow and some caffeting cuz this will hurt your brain :3
Anyway imma ccover random stufff like wepons, communication, toxic people etc.
I also recommend having the following:
-Friends from Serbia, Germany, (Greater) Croatia, Bosnia, Russia and one USA guy to help balance it out
-A catholic prayer book (CUZ PRAISED BE JESUS AM I RIGHT XĐ)
-Basic Balkan understanding (And I know you won’t have it so get your arse ready…….)
-More rakija
-just… more… rakija…
-Ćevapi and beli lukac 😀
Basic Gameplay
The goal of this game is to jsut kill a lot of s- Zombies 😀
There are a few modes like:
-Campaign (The one with safehosue objective)
-Survival (WW2 In Yugoslavia simulator I recommend it 10/8)
-Mutation (Fun stuff, a mix of everything and anything)
-Versus (The people vs Zombies aka either fun… or TOXIC AS HELL ;w;)
And some hardocre variants of those…
Now in l4d2 you have to choose your surviror, select what you wanna play before it, move with WASD keys, aim with your MOUSE and if you are functioning normaly for the love of God… TURN OFF THE DAMN FILM GRAIN FROM YOUR OPTIONS !!!!!!!
When u got all this you are ready to play… I guess… hope you took your first shot of rakija by now
Maps
-Dead Centre (There is a hotel, a road, a gun store full of goodies and a mall in which you get da GAS for the CAR… get your head out of those jokes about gas pls)
-Dark Carnival (Honestly this map is just one huge labour camp in my opinion 10/10)
-Swamp Fever (This map reminds me of Serbia)
-Hard Rain (This map is like the City of Rijeka…. RAINY AND DEPRESSING)
-The Parish (Idk about this one… I don’t play it much)
-The Passing (BEST MAP, STFU UR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER HERE >:D)
-Cold Stream (Croatian wildlife Simulator 2K21)
-The Sacrafice (Croato-Serb war flashback inducing, i like it)
-Greater Yugoslavia (THIS MAP IS WILD)
-All l4d1 maps which im to lazy to write for now @w@
What will this info help you about ? To know that each map… is the same thing but more complex or less complex… yep… that’s it folks.
Wepons (For Undead Exodus)
-Pitchfork: Very effective at stabing, good to use without ammo, oil it up for best performance
-Shovel: For killing and diging graves for zombies (and friends xĐ)
-Shotguns: To commit war crimes cuz they can’t be verified on zombies, shotguns are SUPER effective in this game especially SPAS and Chrome Shotgun, all are imported from Croatian Republic of Herzeg-Bosnia
-AK47: PERFECT SLAVIC WEPON, NOTHING ELSE TO SAY 😀 (DISCLAIMER: ALL AK’S ARE IMPORTED FROM SAO KRAJINA AND ARE 100% GOING TO MALFUNCTION)
Special Infected (Chetniks and Ustaše with a side of Communists)
Besides your standard zombies… in L4D2 there are a few special infected ! And those are:
-Boomer (Bosnian ytber Omco’s clone but zombiied)
-Tank (One angry mofo who is bulky, throws rocks, and is primitively angry….. so a chetnik)
-Hunter (It’s a Ustaša predator no comment. Just pounces on you and slaughters you like a pig)
-Jockey (Chetnik with PTSD)
-Spitter (Spits toxic stuff at you, ex porn-star I guess from Macedonia)
-Charger (They guy who charges at you with this crusty and hard big hand, he masturbates to Tito too much xĐ)
-Witch (Chetnik’s wife who got divorced and is very angry now)
-Smoker (Ustaša who licks you and pulls you with his tongue and attempts to gas you… but fails :3)
Use this info and try to not get killed from them, have fun my good people 😀
Best tactis for each from my own experiance:
Boomer- Shoot it from far
Tank- Light him in fire and shoot from dsitance
Hunter- Stay as far as possible, don’t let him pounce on you, kill it with anger
Jockey- This little devil will jupm and hump you, stay away and kill it either with a melee wepon or shotgun for best results
Spitter- Just kill it… this one is easy to dodge 😀
Charger- This will charge at you, move so it charges into a wall or something, and kill it
Witch- No way of killing this easily, but you can bypass it by being silent around her (press shift)
Smoker- Kill it the moment you see it, a bit hard to dodge but easy to kill
Singleplayer Experiance
This serbian chetnik flag says “Serbia is very great, from rivers Una, Sava and Drina”
Does it help ? No… Do Ustaše help ? NO ♥♥♥♥ NO >:C
So how is singleplayer ? It’s very nice 😀
Did I waste your and my time on this ? Yep.
Multiplayer with strangers
NO.
Playing with friends (Best part)
Now ! BEST PART ! playing with friends !
There is so much fun in playing the normal campaign with your friends, you can finnayl talk to someone you know and have fun 😀
You can play survival togeather and get that GOLD MEDAL you want :3
You can play mutatiosn togeather !
Bring your whole squad ! Your German, Croatian, Serbian, Brazilian, Russina etc nationality bud and have the time of your life !!!!
Play Verus and have a friendly match while having a fun time and being happy…. or get your fun ruined by toxic people… which don’t have to be your friends… you might have ignored the previous chapter of my guide… and Il show you how to deal with toxic people now :/
Dealing with Toxic people
So if you get with toxic people…. just do this… *quit* or be nice still… untill they cross the line and or wanna kick you… then you starts swearing, starts speaking Croatian stuff, do what u want just try to be nice and better then them first please :3 That’s how a true Croat does it.
(P.S. Croatian insults are devestating)
How to COOP with fellow Yugoslavs and make war crimes on zombies and not yourself
THIS PART IS VERY SPECIFIC AND CRUCIAL FOR YOUR SURVIVAL IN UR LOBBY
Aight so you are Croatian or well trying to be… and you decided to invite your yougoslav friends which are as follows:
Serb – The chetnik
Bosnian -He is a serb but pretends to be a Bosniak and doesn’t eat pork
Montnegrin – sorry what ?
Another Croat – Your Ustaša brother
This combinationa of people is DOOMED to fail and make eachother a grave to die in… a mass one XWX
If u want war crimes to be dodged… as a fellow Croatian Chad u must say this sentance “Infected are turks let’s rush them” and everyone including the Bosniak wanna be will rush zombies and make a mass geno- I mean kill them in a humane way with y’all 😀
Cuz in the Blakans “We all hate eachother but everyone hates the turks more !” and keep that in mind my Croatian wannabe bud >-O
Now best tatcits for each of your dream war criminal team:
Serb- Give him AK-47 launcher and a knife, he will do A LOT OF DAMABE 😀
Bosnian (serb) – Grenade launcher and a golf club – Let him spam it
Montenegrin- Useless jsut let him get killed, use him as bait
Croatian number 2 – Just use the same I said before in this guide heh
Communication with people (Friends mostly)
Just say random croatian swear words and get along nicely with people, and when you are with yopur balkan bros (Asuming you are from here) have all the fun making fake-insults to make eachother happy and have a beer and Rakija 😀
Jebiga = “♥♥♥♥ it”
Addons (Cuz it gets boring)
Aight… face it… you will get bored… so there is this thing called steam workshop !
You can get yourself addons there like: Golden shovel, “L4D2 but done cheap”, CSGO skins, game breaking stuff, re-skins and so on !
Here take a look on how my game sometimes looks for a exmaple:
Effects of following this guide (Asuming you are not Croatian)
Now that you are a true-blood Croatian who is very proud of his rooths (which you will make up) Il give you some tips to tkae this to the next level:
-Start shouting “ZA DOM (NE) SPREMNI” every time you start and finnish your campaign
-Invite your buds to play but instead of playing you only discuss how to create Greater Croatia and how “Chetniks” are guilty for each time you die in this game
-Get a serb in your friend group and start ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ how he killed 1Million people in 1991 and that he is the reason your dad who was aparently a national hero lsot his head in the war and now he is having traumas
-TALK VERY LOUDLY AND DON’T GIVE A F€CK WHAT OTHERS SAY
-Kill anyone that takes that SPAS-12 combat shotgun from you CUZ THAT IS A SACRED CROATIAN MADE WEPON IN HERZEG-BOSNIA THAT U WILL USE TO FREE CROATIA BY ATTACKING THE *censored* Bosnian kid and some other serb cuz remeber THEY DID SOME STUFF >:3
+Bonus do as much friendly fire when someone takes your loot and say how they are a “Yugobalijski četnik” and tell them to “Dao Bog da crkno'” UWU
-Start making very nice screenshots and write stuff about how Croatia is the greatest and then leave ur country for Germany *gets mental breakdown* and return even more ‘happy’ back home :3
Conclusion
Croatian playstyle is based on drinking Rakija and letting your emotions flow.
We are all people and should respect eachother. No matter if you are Serb or Croat we are slavic brothers ! *drinks rakija* Živjeli mi vi prijatelji/Живели ми ви комшије !
And we can also conlude this way of playing is msot fun cuz it’s dumb and you can do a mini war crime on zombies and not let the international community judge you even tho they did worse stuff *coughs in ww2* (ye we did that too but they were worse)
If anyone was insulted in this guide… please chill out this is a dumb joke if I can even call it that
Anyways my good peeople Idk who to make a guide, so thx for reading this pain of mine xĐ
