Overview
My mother used to say, “Quercus, don’t throw stones at cripples”, but my father, why he used to say “Aim for the head.” An upcoming event is emerging to usher us into an age of jubilancy known as Cripple Tuesday. Despite this auspicious event being recognised, it is being met by the public with complete apathy. It is a well known, unavoidable fact, that in this world cripples are a minority, only accounting for 13 percent of the population in America. Due to being a minority, cripples face systematic discrimination in every public sector, with sports such as cripple tennis being jeered at and mocked. As a doctor, I find this unacceptable, it is time that cripples begin being regarded as humans and there is only one foolproof method in doing that. We must produce more cripples, in order to garner mainstream awareness. In this guide I shall use my ex, Milly, who has kindly volunteered to become a cripple. This guide will essentially go in depth on how to produce cripples by employing methods demonstrated in Postal 2. Furthermore, Milly will be used as a physical reminder to us all of the Cripple Olympic’s which are occurring this Tuesday.
Our Lovely Volunteer Milly
It is time to greet our lovely and completely willing volunteer Milly. Say hi Milly! Haha, I jest, I jest, she can’t talk, silly gal. After Milly declined twice to be my test subject, she finally relented after I entered her estate and while she was slumbering used my special Grandma’s mint flavoured chloroform special, which is how she met and fell in love with Grandpa. Milly is an old time acquaintance of mine, we previously dated until she cheated on me with Morbyn, who coincidentally died of severe and brutal mutilation, according to the coroners report. In reality, Morbyn volunteered for a live autopsy, in which his eyeballs were extracted and replaced with a felines. Unfortunately, he died during the process, which is oh so ever unfortunate. Anyhow, after the affair, it appears that Milly has decided to seek atonement and raise awareness for cripples, so lets all give her a big round of applause.
Bodily Amputation
One surefire way of crippling someone is to employ the use of an axe, machete, or essentially any form of serrated weapon utilised to amputate an individuals limbs. By amputating there limbs, they will immediately become a cripple and a distinct, conspicuous reminder of what happens to all those who are apathetic towards Cripple Tuesday. The only downside to this cripple creating idea, is that it can result in severe bodily harm or even death for the individual. However, frankly this is a sacrifice which I am positive others, especially Millly are willing to make. Isn’t that right Milly? “Hhhmpph help”. Haha, that’s the spirit you silly goose. Oh deary me, it appears that Milly has gone unconscious after sawing off her left leg, what a shame. Oh well that’s not an issue, she doesn’t even require that leg. As her reward, for her generosity, I will be playing for her the songs, ‘My Little Armalite’ and ‘Rhodesian’s Never Die’ on loop. I am fully optimistic that she will enjoy her treat.
Shooting A Lovely Volunteer
Another personal favourite of mine is to shoot your target, particularly in the legs or knees, in order to cripple them. This form of crippling is especially effective if a Shotgun or Revolver is used. My ex in particular has personally informed me through muffled sign language that she would enjoy having both weapons fired simultaneously into her right leg, what a brave gal aye. I sure was a lucky man before she decided to cheat on me. Oh how extraordinary, the deed is done. Observe how Milly loves this process, “Arggggggh, rffffh”, I am so fortunate to have such a willing participant.
Clobbering With A Shovel
If you are feeling especially adventurous you could always clobber your ex, ahem I mean participants skull with a shovel. What, your asking how this helps make them a cripple? The genuine answer is fairly blatant, often it doesn’t, perceive this method as an optional side quest if you desire some live entertainment. You deserve some respite, after all the hard work it took securing your participant, accumulating resources, bribing law enforcement and administering the experiment. The image below features one of my late night activities, where my ex’s sister, Tilly, begged me to clobber her with a shovel. I would say, that I solemnly denied her request and provided her with some earnest life advice, but the truth of the matter is that I was in the mood for an exhilarating hunt.
Concluding Fable
I would like to reminiscence on the glory days, the times when I used to revel in dance and song with my beloved Milly, until she bought OUR RELATIONSHIP INTO RUINATION. I would also like to highlight, how regardless of what grievous acts an individual has initially committed, they are always able to redeem themselves and seek redemption. This is evidence by my once beloved Milly, who is determined to raise awareness for cripples, going to the extent of outright begging me to cripple her. Naturally, at her behest I obliged to her requests. Overall, I hope all viewers have learnt the proper process and method on how to cripple someone, WITH THERE BLATANT PERMISSION and have learnt how to raise awareness for the plight of the peons. It is with this wholesome message that I, Doctor Quercus, leave you all with this grand tome of knowledge.
