Overview
Recently, upon engaging within the art of Oblivion, I have discerned that no children are present. Some of the misguided few may envision that this is a result of the developers attempting to conserve the youth of Oblivion, prohibiting the player from committing warcrimes against our beloved younglings, albeit the reality is much more sinister. Bethesa is attempting to prohibit us from hand feeding children. As such, it is our obligation, our very destiny as Oblivion players, to scour the ghetto’s of the Imperial City for replacements, ones that bear a certain likeness to round faced, doe eyed younglings. Various dregs of society, such as drug addicts, the mentally addled, redguards and the Altmer are apt alternatives. Similar to children, the groups previously listed bear a low intellect and maturity, coupled in with the identical cognitive abilities as to that of a child. As such, they shall be thoroughly handfed with impunity. Do not cower if they resist, swallow your doubts when they wail and cry as your hands filled with bird seed are plunged down their gullet, even if you have to subdue them with a rag coated with chloroform, then so be it. Ultimately, you must adopt the role a compassionate parent, ensuring that your newly adopted child remains fit and healthy.
Introduction
Firstly, you must scout your potential child or manchild. Once discern your suspect, you must then trail after them in the dark, to then meticulously acquire intel of utmost significance regarding them. It is necessary that you memorise their address, habits, when they leave their abode and most imperatively, when they isolated and away from prying eyes. In this guide, Emperor Uriel Septim, the magnanimous ruler of Tamerial, alongside Thoronir, a lowly merchant will be the candidates for adoption today, being examined, fed adequately and treated like an impudent whelp as befits a rowdy youngling.
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE, OUR COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN!
Initial reluctance
DIOGELWCH O’R UNDEB, DILEU’R HOMOSEXUALS, TALU AM Y CERDDORION A’R FRENHINES!
Initially, the younglings that you have been designated to feed may appear reluctant and starkly oppositional, when being handfed. Frequently, you may be exposed to dissidents, stating that they are too old to be fed by an elderly, schizophrenic Nord, but in fact, it is the contrary. Since the dawn of the 4th Era, the Thalmor have been injecting estrogen into the water supply of all humanoid and Merfolk races, causing them to emerge into this world as feminine, timid cretins, who are unable to resist hostile occupation. As a result, it is a necessity that the manchildren become bound to a malachite table and handfed. If you do not wish to forcefully shove blenderised food down your designated childs gullet, then may I suggest diplomatically stating that hand feeding them is a government mandate and is meant to be enforced by law. These individuals, so reliant on the law, will likely relent to such a claim, allowing you to forcefully feed them without objection. If they continue to refuse your endeavours, then you may be forced to incapacitate them with a baseball bat, to be able to then feed them unimpeded.
How To Nourish Your Adopted Children
The most accepted method in catering to your adopted adult younglings is to strap them to a torturing wrack, forcefully open their mouth and then shove a variety of food, such as baby powder and liquidised oranges down their gullet. Not only is this a delectable treat, but it enables these inept invalids to experience genuine sustenance, that will allow them to persevere and thrive as a living, robust organism.
Ignore The Inevitable Whimpers
Inevitably, your assigned child may display a certain obstinance when it comes to his feeding session, however, it is necessary you continue in your endeavour and persist in feeding your subject. Your assigned offspring may oft react with aggression, attempting to injure you and perhaps splutter ludicrous phrases such as, “Your not my real father” or “My genuine father is a police officer and will baton you”, however, do not be deterred, for his words are unequivocally lies. In the event that his genuine father is connected with law enforcement, may I suggest that you bolt for the winds, for your fate is at best nebulous and at worst precarious. Anyhow, I shall now present a series of analogies and hypotheticals, depicting an individual resisting his feeding session, alongside solutions to overcome his reluctance.
Frequently your assigned youngling may attempt to emulate the mannerisms of a omniscient sphere, or schizophrenic hermit, by claiming that he has vividly dreamt of you. His initial statement will then progress into pleadings of being allowed to escape from your captivity, to live a normal life in a gated community, as an 88 year old should. His words are merely the devils lies, an attempt to escape from your benevolent clutches and embrace life with utter depravity. If you ever encounter this individual, may I suggest that you beat him into submission with a coconut, only to then subsequently feed him with intangible baby powder. Perhaps then his dissidence will be sated, permitting him to thrive as a decrepit senior should.
Time and time again I’m tested and time and time again, I resist.
After pummelling and subsequently feeding your youngling, he may then jubilantly acknowledge that his destiny is intertwined with yours and that this is the day of feeding. It is best to allow your child to embrace this epiphany undeterred, for he will soon comprehend that his fate as an infirm child, hand fed by a caregiver is sealed. When this realisation occurs, you shall encounter no more adversity from him, for now he is aware of his place within Oblivions hierarchy.
After cognising their genuine fate, your target may appeal to the God’s to proffer unto them strength and fortitude. Do not deprive them of their pleas, for their Gods will allow them to be meek and subservient, as they give reverence and cling to their polytheistic deities, whilst simultaneously being force fed a number of succulent treats.
Your target will then be imbued with Stockholm Syndrome, presuming that the Gods themselves have bought you to him. When this situation emerges, simply concur with the ludicrous statement, for a deluded captive is a content one. To reiterate, your agreement with his statement will reinforce your role as a caregiver in his eyes, allowing his rampant paranoia and reluctance to be handfed to dissipate entirely.
Your child may then begin to develop delusions over his social status, believing himself to be apart of the aristocracy, masquerading as an affluent lord, or heavens forbid, an omnipotent emperor. If such a situation arises, simply, albeit subtly shut his aspirations down by beating him with a wooden stick. After ever thwack and swing, benevolently inform him that he is but a lowly child. You will do this, not merely to quash his aspirations, but instead to dissuade his delusions of grandeur, ensuring that he remains humble and subservient.
How To Feed Your Newfound Child
When you encounter your esteemed child, be sure to feed him with an assortment of delicacies and unique, foreign acquired foods. Most significantly be certain to home concoct your newfound creations, such as self brewing your own watermelon and potato pie, or a petrol and tree sap tonic, for your eager newborn to consume. In this particular image, my newfound manchild, Thoronir is consuming an exotic dish of potato and watermelon, nibbling upon the succulent juices, whilst simultaneously embracing his newfound status. It would be prudent to be similar to Thoronir, for not only is he obedient, but he is loyal and kind to the core. Note, failure to act in a similar manner to the suspect may result in impending beatings.
Sometimes you may encounter adversity in your feeding sessions. For example, I am in the midst of feeding this blonde haired, blue eyed Nord a ripe pumpkin, when a harlot then approaches, swiftly swiping the pumpkin out of my palms, whilst proclaiming that I am a sinister, depraved freak, who is attempting to instil my insidious fetishes onto others.
Naturally, as a result of her impudence, I was compelled to slaughter her, skewering her atop my steel and gold tinted blade. As she then lay there on the ground, I stooped low and whispered deep into her ear, asserting that she will one day become an ingredient for my self concocted recipes. She then released a sigh of relief at my words and drifted away, carefree and delighted that she would inevitably become the ingredients to a bowl of ramen, or perhaps a pumpkin. While I do acknowledge that she initially displayed repulsion to my altruistic practices, she inevitably saw the light, redeeming her ways and consenting to the Crusade of justice that I have embarked upon.
The Eagle
Now, when Congress calls you, don’t get stuck, just start confessin’ and pass the buck
The Kludd blames the Klaxon, the Klaxon blames the Kleagle, the Kleagle blames the Grand Imperial Eagle
The Eagle blames the Wizard, the Wizard blames the Dragon, the Dragon takes the blame, but he’s just braggin’
Conclusion
Overall, may your adopted children remain jocular and healthy. May they imbued with many a delectable treat and lastly may they bear many offspring, who will then on be compassionately catered to by an assigned caregiver. The world can be an accursed, wretched place, but with our persistent efforts, we will ensure that it is basked within a radiant, luminescent light.
Oh, the first of me downfall I walked out the door
I straight made me way on for the Imperial tour
Going out by Imperial City ’twas late in the night
Going out the West Gate for to view the gaslight
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
I went to the town’s hall to see the big lamp
And who should I meet but a bloody big tramp
I finally stepped over and to him I said:
“Will you kindly direct me to where I’ll get a bed?”
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
‘Twas then he directed me down to All Saints Inn
To where old Buck Willet kept an old sleeping cage
From out of the door was a small piece of board
Hung out on two nails with a short piece of cord
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
I looked up and down till I found out the door
And a queerer old household sure I ne’er saw before
Then the Redguard came out and these words to me said:
“If you give me three coppers, sure I’ll give you a
Bed”
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
Well I then stood aside with me back to the wall
And the next thing I saw was an oul Imperial stall
And there was the Imperial and he mending his brogues
With his hammers and pinchers all laid in a row
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
Then he brought me upstairs and he put out the light
And in less than five minutes I had to show fight
And in less than five more when the story was best
The fleas came around me and brought me a curse
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
‘Twas all around me body they formed a march
‘Twas all around me body they played the Death march
For the bloody oul major gave me such a pick
That he nearly made away with half of me hip
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
Now I’m going to me study, these lines to pen down
And if any poor traveller should e’er come to town
And if any poor traveller should be nighted like me
Beware of Buck Willet and his black cavalry
Radley fal the diddle ay
Radley fal the diddle airo
