Overview
You’re wife is kidnapped but that’s not the point here cause you need those coffee thermoses bruh
HEY AL’
Skipping all of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ cause you already know the legend himself Alan, we come to his fat ♥♥♥♥ boston accent ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ annoying cuck of a friend, Barry. Barry always knows when to burst your bubbles, you’re tryin’ to find your damn wife but this obese ♥♥♥♥♥ doesn’t know when to shut the ♥♥♥♥ up because he’s scared of a bunch of shadow demon ghost things that are only after you. You could be in the middle of an objective and this ♥♥♥♥♥ will make you turn back and go retrieve him from the cornor of his little ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ shack. Goal to your success is to
Kill this big ♥♥♥♥♥ when possible
That’s right just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ cap his ass when possible, save him the early death because of his inevitable diabetes. If this isn’t possible, leave him to be tonight’s dinner for the ghost thingies. Next time you’ll hear HEY AL’ is when they’re playin’ his funeral video.
PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT FOR GOD SAKES
Look ok, you’ll start the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ game and you’re probably scared ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, right. So basically you get off the boat and get to the island blah blah who gives a ♥♥♥♥, you just need the key for the ♥♥♥♥♥♥ cabin that you and Ms.Kidnapped are gonna be doing the dirty in. So you get in the restaurant or whatever and the legend Alan himself is like
wHeRe’S tHe KeY fOr Me AnD mY wIfE
And lady will be like
iN tHe BaCk WhErE iT’s All dArK n’ ♥♥♥♥
So you go to the back and see this ♥♥♥♥♥
NOPE NO THANK YOU BYE
Right ok you get your key and ♥♥♥♥ and then you see ol’ man one eye sitting with his other geiser pal.
This ♥♥♥♥ really wants you to play his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ song, and lemme tell you it’s one hell of a good song it’s probably the best ♥♥♥♥ your ears will ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ receive while living on earth.
SO PUT THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LIME IN THE COCONUT
PLAY THAT ♥♥♥♥ FOR HIM ♥♥♥♥♥, it’ll guarantee you some relief after that old ♥♥♥♥♥ scared the ♥♥♥♥ outta ol’ Alan. And for god sakes you better sit your ass infront of that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ jukebox until it has hit the very end of the song you cuck.
KILL YOURSELF
REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE AND ALL THOSE HOURS YOU SPENT AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS TO SWEAT INFRONT OF THE COMPUTER WATCHING SOME AUTHOR HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN WAS WORTH NOTHING BECAUSE GUESS WHAT
The ending sucks
You went through THICC and THIN for JUST THAT CUTSCENE, THAT ONE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ CUTSCENE WHERE SHE JUST ♥♥♥♥♥♥’ GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE DEEP WATER OR WHATEVER AND ALAN’S ALL LIKE oOoOoh Im A wRiTeR aNd I hAvE dEpReSsiOn AnD mE aNd My WifE aRe GoNnA sPLit SoMeOnE gIvE mE cYaNiDe ♥♥♥♥♥ WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ WAS THAT FOR YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THAT FOR NOTHING LIKE CHRIST. ALAN WAKE MORE LIKE
ALAN SUCKS ♥♥♥♥
Atleast we don’t see Barry at the end