Overview
Hello person, this is B.A.S.T.A.R.D. (Bolshevik Artisanal Space Trademark of Alternative Russian Development) speaking. We wish to introduce to you the project A.S.S. (Alternative Space Stuff). Let us tell you more about it.
Step one: Find people
Hello everyone, do you wish to be a national super-hero and have a town wearing your name? Well feel free to join us at B.A.S.T.A.R.D’s training facilites tomorrow, off course since it is a military facility we can’t give you the exact location but it’s somewhere between Moscow and Stalingrad… Once out of Moscow, take the first exit on your left and eventually turn left… And there you go… Good luck.
Step two: Recruit the recruits.
Hello recruits, welcome to B.A.S.T.A.R.D’s training facilities, here you will learn everything you need, to participate to your favorite A.S.S. program. As you might already know we are looking for the next Russian super-hero. You’ll all die, I mean… you might, very low percentage has died yet… Honestly you are the first one… First…. of the first…
So I was saying: you will get the best of the presents from us as a reconnaissance for your effort:
our full gratitude.
Step three: Basic training.
Com’rad Hadloadovfisky speak’ng. Jus’ cam’ bac’ f’om that mun. Se’n tha many US thee’… Kill’d ‘em all…
So fi’st pa’t: self d’fence…
T’is is ‘nife…. ‘nife here kill th’m bears… and th’m ‘muricans…
so pa’t too: su’vival…
T’is is VODKA…. VODKA here heals th’m wo’nds… and th’m thirst…
so pa’t tree: food…
T’is is trump…. trump here ’s ba’a’a head… and so th’m food…
T’is all fo’ t’day…
See ya’ll t’m’row…
Step four: Transport
So as you might have noticed recruits… the campus is big… and so is the way to tha moon… This is why today we will make sure you get proper transport. But for that we first need to get it…
Here’s some honey, a knife and the forest is this way… Good luck…
Step five: Launch
Hello again recruits. So I see you all have your bear with you. So we’ll make you watch that documentary movie first. It’s called: “The perfect guide to make russia great again”. I’ll meet you after the movie is done.
All done?
Alright so let’s go. As you might have seen in the movie the recipe for the moon is simple:
-Russian Engines
-Russian Fuel
-Russian VODKA
-Russian flag
Simple right?
So take you bear, take the engine and stick it up there.. then add fuel in the gas tank through oral input and same goes for VODKA… Then add a flag and get yourself in position… and add some boosters while your at it.
Final report
Hello Com’rad Stalin, here is the report for B.A.S.T.A.R.D’s facilities about the A.S.S. program. It has been a success, sadly we had a little issue…
The painter got messed up on the colours so our guy landed in Washington…
ok…
so…
I think I’ll just leave…
Like now….
See you later…
Never…