Spinerippa’s Art of Blood Bowl Taktikz

Overview

Dis is Spinerippa’s all-yoo-eva-wanted-to-know tell-all guide fer da best, most unbeatable Blood Bowl stratujeez.

Introdukshun

Oi you lot! I’m Spinerippa, and dis ‘ere is my guide fer bein’ da biggest, bestest, and Greenest Blood Bowl coach wot eva played da sport.

Most of you lot is probably pointy-eared elf gits or runty little ratboyz. Well dis guide ain’t fer you, so stop puttin’ these words in yer face.

Heh heh, now those stupid gits is gone and they won’t know all me best Blood Bowl secretz. Dat’s why Orcs is smarter, ’cause we’d keep readin’, see?

Basik Coachin’

Right, now ‘ere’s da t’ree simple taktiks dat’ll have you playin’ as well as Gork! Or even Mork.

• Numba 1. Punch da other players real ‘ard, see. If they’s dead, they can’t win da match. Dat’s da troof.
• Numba 2. Once you’ve punched ’em all to zog and back, then you krump ’em some more! WAAAGH! ORCS, ORCS, ORCS! Dis taktik is extra important, so make sure you do it.
• Numba 3. Da other team is usually real stupid, see, and spends ‘alf their time runnin’ around da field chasin’ some bouncy li’l roundy-gubbin. Sometimes it’s good fer a laugh if you pick it up, ’cause then da other players come runnin’ right into punchin’ range!

And dat’s dat. Wif dese t’ree prinsupulz of Blood Bowlin’, you’s sure to win… uh… lotz. Dat’s a fact.

Advanced Coachin’

Right, still ‘ere? Now’s we get to da good stuff. And if yer a sneaky point-eared git, then zog off!

Heh heh, stupid point-earz. They’s real easy to trick.

Now, if you’s been winning a lot wif yer team followin’ my Basik Taktiks, den you may ‘ave noticed a few problems. Sometimes, after scrappin’ wif da boyz a whole lot, some of your ladz get a little sleepy and decide to take naps on da field. Well zog it! ‘Ere’s Spinerippa’s Kwik Tipz fer fixin’ yer problems.

• My boyz is bein’ all lazy and lyin’ around on da field! Dis is real easy to fix. Tell ’em to quit bein’ lazy, and get up and start fightin’! Problem solved.
• I did dat, but now my boyz stopped movin’, and the doc says they got fraktured gubbins. Ha, dat’s another easy problem. All you’s gotta do is ‘ave more boyz. Dat way if some of your boyz gets real lazy, you can send new boyz in to kill da other gits play da game.
• Some slippery gits keep runnin’ away from da fight, and jumpin’ and cheerin’ around dat roundy-bit wot they like to carry around. Dis is a serious problem. Lots o’ gits don’t know how to play Blood Bowl, and keep runnin’ away from da game. Try punchin’ some of the other gits ‘arder. Once you get one down, just have the boyz pile on and keep punchin’! Da git wot you punched will start havin’ fun eventually, you’s just gotta be persistent.
• Oi! I followed all yous rulez, but now some stinkin’ runty gobbo is whistlin’ at me and tellin’ me I can’t play no more! Don’t worry ’bout dis. He’s just real impressed with ‘ow good at Blood Bowl you is, and tellin’ you to take a break so da other ladz on yous team get a chance to play! Orcs is all about bein’ real egalitarian, see?
• Oi! I did all of dat, but now they’s sayin’ I lost da game! Dis is a known bug in da soft-ware. Me cunningest snotlings says dat sometimes da game gets confused and says da other team wins. I’s real sure it’ll get fixed soon.

So now you’s won all yous matches (remember dat bug I told you about), wot now? Well, yous players is probably gettin’ real tuff from all dat playin’, so it’s time to upgrade ’em.

Wot skillz is da best? Well ‘ere’s a rundown of some of ’em:

Blokk – Dis skill is real good, ’cause it makes your boyz less lazy when they punch da other players.

Mighty Blow – Dis is one of da best skills, since it makes you betta at Blood Bowl.

Pilin’ On! WAAAGH! – Dis skill is real good too.

Katch, Sure ‘Andz, Safe Pass – Dese skill don’t do nothin’ so don’t pick dese.

Akkurate – Dis is annuva bug in da soft-ware. Dis game wuz made in some distant humie-land, and dey forgot to tranzlate dis skill ’cause it don’t make no sense.

Konklooshun

Dere you ‘ave it, ladz! Da best Blood Bowl stratujeez. Wif dese, yous sure to win every match.

When in doubt, rememba dese wordz o’ wisdom, passed down to me by one of da greatest Orcs wot eva died:

“WAAAGH! Bash ’em! Stomp ’em! Rip off their ‘eads! ‘ERE WE GO!” – Gutgrinda Bowelrot, Orc Warboss Profeshunal Blood Bowl Playa