Overview
A much-needed guide for an overlooked, yet major part of the game – psychological warfare.
Introduction
Those things are indeed an integral part of winning, but mastering them is only half the battle.
Other guides will teach you the winning strategies, the meta-game, how to perfect your mechanical skills, yet none of them will tell you about the secret to success.
I don’t know why no one wrote about trash-talking before, but I can venture a few guesses.
Did they simply climb their way up without knowing about it? Maybe. Are they keeping it a secret from all of you so only they will reign supreme at the top of the leaderboards, laughing at the suckers who believe their guides are real? Yes Probably. But I digress.
To ensure victory in every game, you must not only be mechanically superior to your opponent, but also spiritually superior. This is where trash-talking comes in.
By breaking the opponent down and leaving him a sobbing, slobbering mess, you can make sure that he will not only lose the game, but lose every game he will ever play from then on.
My name is Pepperoni Jabroni, a self-proclaimed master and computer-proclaimed semi-pro, and For the first time in Rocket League history, I will guide you through the untamed wilderness that is the art of trash-talking.
Common Mistakes
At this point, many of you are probably thinking “But Jabroni, I already know how to trash-talk!”
Well, you don’t. But before I can teach you how to truly talk trash, I need to go over some bad habits that are commonly mistaken for trash-talk.
By far, the most common mistake people make when they want to undermine the enemy’s team psyche is curse at them. Not only does this technique not work, but it is also counterproductive to your goal.
By being mad at your opponent, you give him a confidence boost. He made YOU mad, so he must be doing something right. He will continue to outplay and outsmart you, knowing that he is the better man.
Similarly, accusing him of “hax” will only serve to further boost his ego.
You might have fallen victim to lag before. We all have. But NEVER share this with your opponent. Again, you are only revealing your weaknesses to the enemy team and helping them win.
As Sun Tzu once wrote in his book “The Art Of War”: “Hence that general is skilful in attack whose opponent does not know what to defend; and he is skilful in defense whose opponent does not know what to attack. Also, never write in chat that you are lagging.“
Now that you know what not to do, you are ready to learn how to utterly destroy your opponent’s psyche and break their resolve using my tried-and-true methods of garbage-speaking.
Defensive Trash-Talk
You mustn’t let it get to their heads. If they know they’ve done something right, they will continue doing it and thus continue scoring.
Everything they achieve must seem like part of your plan, like something you allowed to happen that will never happen again.
And for this goal, “Defensive Trash-Talk” was invented.
The simplest and most believable form of trash-talk. This technique can only be used if the enemy team scored a goal very early in the game.
Hand-wave their achievement by stating: “Handicap set, now let’s start the game”
Immediately, their smug satisfaction of having scored early turns into utter terror as they realize that not only is their opponent not a bad player, but so good at the game that he can allow the opponent a head-start.
- Effectiveness: 60%
- Chance of backfire: 0%
- Terror level: 46Ψ
Maybe the enemy scored too late in the game for you to play it off as a simple score handicap.
In this fringe case, you must make up a different handicap.
Beware, for this is an advanced technique that when used by a beginner can easily be detected as a lie and thus backfire.
Examples:
- “Ok, blindfold off”
- “Mom, give me back the controller!” (can only be used through voice chat)
- “I finished my pizza, now I can stop using my feet”
- Effectiveness: 0%-90%
- Chance of backfire: 90%-10%
- Terror level: 105Ψ
Offensive Trash-Talk
Do not confuse this with swearing, as this is a much more refined art.
A man’s username is his most prized digital possession – his identity.
By mocking it, you undermine his entire character.
For the purposes of this segment, I have invented an example opponent: “[DEL]XxXHaxMasterLeeXxX”
Here are some lines you can use in order to insult him:
- “HaxMaster? More like SuxCustard!!!”
- “DEL? What’s that stand for? Doodoo Eating Losers? xD”
- “Lee? More like PEE!”
Depending on the enemy’s mental fortitude, name-calling may not affect him. However, there is little to no risk in trying.
- Effectiveness: 50%
- Chance of backfire: 5%
- Terror Level: 56Ψ
It is extremely easy to use, as there is no opportunity for error – The game trash talks for you! All you need to do is choose the right option at the right time.
When an enemy fails to defend, spam “What a save!”. When an enemy own-goals, spam “Nice shot!” It’s that easy.
There is a slightly more advanced form that requires co-operation: If YOU score and someone tells you “Nice shot!”, Reply with “No problem.” This shows the enemy that scoring is no problem for you and assures pants-wetting.
- Effectiveness: 90%
- Chance of backfire: 1%
- Terror Level: 40Ψ
Afterword
There are many, many more techniques for trash-talking. Techniques beyond your wildest dreams.
Insults passed down for generations. Ancient secrets above human comprehension.
But I will not go over them here.
If you master the basics covered in this guide, you will reach the top in no time. And for a token payment of $95, I will send you the advanced guide. You can contact me for payment at [email protected]
Good luck in ranked, and may the trash be ever in your favor.