The F*** You Guide to Season 2

I don't actually like the story of season 2. It's actually really weird and contrived and I hate it for its inconsistencies. Well, to be accurate, Season 2 just doesn't work because Season 1 exists.* And no one knows the story of season 2 anyway, cos I mean we all just basically farm the raids right? Well ♥♥♥♥. Apparently "The ♥♥♥♥ You Guide® to Season 1" became a hit in the year since I wrote it, and people have actually requested I make another.. What is wrong with all of you?

So I'm doing it. Season 2, let's go. Let's replay Season 2 on a new character, suffer through it, and jot down the entire ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ story.

The format of this guide will be different, since the first guide was handled via a Skype Conversation, and I've abandoned Skype a while ago. Also, again, Season 2 has a really ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dumb story, so it doesn't lend itself as cleanly as Season 1 did to a consistent format. I tried...


*No one ever told me but if you beat season1 with a new character now, they have a whole cutscene devoted to explaining time rewinding. Congrats devcat, you've fixed my problem with season 2.

So like you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate being a royal army dog as a mercenary or some ♥♥♥♥ right, and according to the story, it's like you've only been in Colhen maybe until getting Shayla the Gold Leather.

LET ME PUT THIS INTO PERSPECTIVE, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN FOUGHT THE GNOLL CHIEFTAIN YET, YOUNG MERC.** (Edit This has been changed to you being promoted to the royal army after beating the Gnoll Chieftain. It's like Nexon actually reads my crazy rants on these guides)

Shayla tells you like "Hey you look worn out, and unhappy, quit that life, go adventuring" and you're like ♥♥♥♥ yeah, sure why not, and totally ditch the Crimson Blade Mercenaries to go be a Coffer Chaser on Melina. (Not kidding, this is your set up).

So, this is happening in parallel to season 1, to some totally different parallel you-person (I GUESS?). You are a time-travelng-alternate-reality-creating-body-stealing mcguffin oh and you have amnesia to all of season 1 so whatever.[/i]

Anyway you go to Melina, and there's a bunch of fighting at the Coffer Chaser Guild

You interject and say "Hey I want a job"

Tristan, the man in charge says he'll hire a jobless bum who quit HIS/(HER?) ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DUTIES AS A SOLDIER, go get rare staff item.
Plot-device Milo overhears this and goes and becomes annoying.
Congrats, your rival for a spot in the guild is like ten.
You chase after him.

Btw, Jungle Trolls and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wasps the size of small children are the primary enemies here. Like what the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥????

You end up getting the staff, Milo takes it and breaks it by accident.
You get chewed out for his problems. Sucks.

The Jungle Trolls have learned to tame the wasps..... ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, taming wasps, wasps are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, WHY???? and you're sent to fight them and you do and win.

Tristan then goes running off to handle the leader of the trolls or whatever. And you're like, the ♥♥♥♥ and run off after him.

So you run after him and fight Deathchief Kielu and a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ giant Snake. Apparently the snake eats you at some point, but I mean, it doesn't happen in this battle so I guess you kinda stroked out there or something, anyway, after you beat Kielu, you find a Cigar Box. Tristan's Cigar Box. (That's called dramatic reveal, folks).

The box has a note.

Tristan's hunting for something, so like, you know he's not dead or eated.

You get sent to Colhen to repair the staff at Brynn's lab and a new Royal Army soldier comes in named Kean with a young woman, looking for the Royal Army Outpost, but sees the staff you brought and immediately asks where it's from.

You all head to Malina, and go to the Guild.

You're told by Kean that the staff is similar to one he found from a deranged sailor who spoke of a haunted ship. Some stuff finding wasp wings for some reason happen (apparently high druid-man is high), and then Iunno, high druid-man tells you to go to the ship graveyard.

Btw, Ship Graveyard, not ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ominous. You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ druid-man.

Also, Milo comes too, Milo is best ladies man, gets all the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, including disgusting ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Jungle Trolls and Inklings.

Sea Hag Kamina attacks you cos idk, and like you find Tristan's charm bracelet, so like, ♥♥♥♥, ♥♥♥♥ just got real.

You go back to the ship cos.... Milo and Kean tell you to? And fight a Skelet-man.

You take out Captain Skelet-man Flint.
Take his Purple Heart thing
Milo finds Tristan's Mood Ring.
I just want to point out too that the ship is clearly full of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sea ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and horrible undead things. SERIOUSLY, WHY IS NO ONE ELSE HELPING?

You take the mood ring to Esyllt who is like "ANGER ANGER RAGE".
Kean just decides it's better not to get involved and CALLS OFF HIS ARMY OF REINFORCEMENTS COS CLEARLY YOU AND POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC STALKER GIRL ARE GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?
THEN YOU DECIDE TO GO TO THE SHIP AGAIN FOR SOME REASON? WHY?? NO ONE TELLS YOU TO THIS TIME, I GUESS THAT SHOWS SOME INITIATIVE ON YOUR PART BUT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MARCHING IN ALONE LIKE AN IDIOT??

Milo introduces you to one of his hoes, and is like "hey go look for my bottom ♥♥♥♥♥", and you find and attack her. What a hero.

You find Tristan's Boot... So uh.... ....

Boot has a note and a coin.
Go to Colhen to learn about the coin.
Learn Kean may be Royal Family related.
Go back to the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ GHOST SHIP OKAY GOD.

Hunt for Slithering Mare (bottom ♥♥♥♥♥) again
Run into the Muckrot Monark

Muckrot Monark is really casually implied to be Slithering Mare (bottom ♥♥♥♥♥) further corrupted but that's never really clarified. Because ♥♥♥♥ YOU.
Kick the Monarks butt, and evacuate with Tristan and Milo finally and FINALLY you're done with this place, and become a member of the Coffer Chaser's guild officially. Cos WHY THE ♥♥♥♥ IS THIS EPISODE SO DAMN LONG.

Except you're not done, not really, cos:

lol kill Snake God. Jungle Trolls rejoice or some ♥♥♥♥.

lol killi giant squid demon. (Btw, squid demon is only awake cos the Siren's didn't sing so you're supposed to use a shell to capture a siren song. Let me tell you how stupid this is, the whole point of the shell is to stop the Kraken from waking up. He wakes up anyway, and we HARPOON HIM IN THE FACE and then.... Idk, apparently the sirens no longer live in fear of him, like WHY THE ♥♥♥♥ DID WE NEED THE SHELL.)

Kean's an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ cos we didn't find his magic item he's searching for.

Use a buoy with a tracking enchantment to find where the item may have floated to.

Arrive at the Twilight Desert.

Fight undead soldiers.
Meet Reapers.
Meet Iset.

Find a Death Mask.

Kill a Reaper brutally, rip out its essence, melt it down so you can use it to speak to Reapers (I promise this will get them to want to talk to you).

Milo gets love sick and it's literally killing him.

Enzo wants to track down a god now, to save Milo apparently so you go visit Brynn.

Ellis ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dies back in Ainle to the Chief Kalis. Apparently everyone is even more sad about this than when it happened in parallel timeline.

Reapers turn out to be priests who disagree with Iset who is an Oracle loving her bodyguard. Some ♥♥♥♥ like that. ♥♥♥♥.

Try to free Lazkum the Lizardman from jail.

Woman companion of Kean is revealed to be Seanna. Idk, Lazkum is free.

Fight High Priest Alterion while exploring the Underground city of the Lizardmen.

Isset blahblahblah.

Death Mask actually has Havan trapped, and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MILO TAKES IT TO ISSET, SONUVA-

FIGHT A GIANT SANDMAN AND A PRINCESS ORACLE. ♥♥♥♥.

DESTROY THEIR DREAMS OF A NEW KINGDOM BWAHAHAHA.

Go back and fight a stupid sand crab to meet Iset one more time.

Receive a blue crystal related to next episode. Kean says we've completed our job somehow.

Btw, there is no story related reason to go fight the Executioner Pantheum. He's just sort've there for world building reasons.

Go to the Mines with Kean on a Royal Army Mission to cut off Fomor supply lines.

Turns out Mine is filled with erg crystals.

Pontiff calls for Seanna to come be old friends with him or some ♥♥♥♥.

Head to Rocheste and get told you're better off having the erg crystals you found shown to Brynn. Seanna goes to get ritually ritualized by Ingkara I guess. You save her because.... well, I guess you aren't part of Season 1 anymore, so who else will.

Seanna gets complete amnesia or something.

Turns out Seanna is a witch and her power comes from the God of the Druids, not Morrighan so the Lizardmen and the Pontiff sealed her power or some ♥♥♥♥. Also, we keep going to fight the Gremlins in the mines because we're trying to talk to them but ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Kean can't speak fomorian.

Plot device Milo is finally awake and is like "Hey I speak fomorian for some reason". ♥♥♥♥ YOU MILO.

Back to the mines.

Seira (the guard Gremlin) talks to plot device Milo and we learn that Kean's brother, Cethe is attempting to resurrect the Gremlin's god in trade for erg research.

Go back to the mountain and FIGHT A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ TRAIN IN FRONT OF THE MINE. ♥♥♥♥ YOU BARK. Get a Lab Key.

Enter the lab, fight a GIANT MUTATED PIECE OF ♥♥♥♥. Btw, the Juggernaut can be either implied to be Cethe's experiment or Cethe himself, have fun with your nightmares.

Cethe's journal reveals that Cethe watched the Pontiff's court kill the royal family members Male line (the King and the Prince) and watched the Princess bring her brother back to life in secret.

Yada yada the mine's existence as an erg mine (which should be impossible) is revealed to be also because the mine itself is the remnant's of the dead body of the Gremlin's god.

Oh and we have to hide Milo and his sister now. So that's a thing. Btw, I've gone this entire guide without mentioned Milo's sister Allyse, which means TECHNICALLY she's not been important until now. Equally unimportant has been Solair, a Coffer Chaser member we met in Episode 2. She's important now too. Why did I not bring them up til now? ♥♥♥♥ YOU IS WHY.

It's revealed that Milo and his sister are the Prince and Princess.

Solaire tells the Pontiff's Court while killing other unimportant characters

Try to find Seanna and reach Rocheste by route of The Fobellow Prairie and the Rocheste Sewers.

We meet Verafim in the sewers who has performed Fomor control on Naveen (the prophet from Season 1 who MADE US GO TO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ALBEY). Apparently she's half-fomorian which raises a ton of disturbing questions, but whatever, what the ♥♥♥♥. ALSO ♥♥♥♥ THAT LYING ♥♥♥♥♥, IF IT WASN'T FOR HER, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO FIGHT THAT ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ KEAGHAN IN SEASON 1.

So we learn that Gwynn and Keaghan have fought Glas and Gwynn has died or something. Keaghan is on the run, etc. Look, Season 1 is happening and nothing you did even ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mattered, seriously. Like some other random schmuck has taken your place, you even get to watch the Pontiff, Keaghan and your replacement talk about being hunted from the shadows of the cathedral.

The ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Pontiff resurrects ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Inquisitor Ulchas and unleashes him on Allyse's Inn when Keaghan and your replacement leaves.

Fight off Ulchas who manages to kill off plot device Milo.

Head to Annwyn's entrance, find an illusion of Milo and a big Guard bull-puppy.

Kill the big Guard bull-puppy.

Kean leaves to be with illusion Milo I guess?

We enter the Burning Temple and find Cromm Cruaich who is going to use Alysse and Milo as sacrifices for a new body in Erin.

High-druid man is like LOL LOOK I'M ACTUALLY A FOLLOWER OF THAT GOD WHO I SAID I FOLLOWED, CATCH THIS BETRAYAL and turns into a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Lavasat 2.0.

You kill high-druid man and he's like ow I'm actually kinda tragic so sad.

Who cares.

Fight the God of Death himself, and learn that Cromm Cruaich is honestly a huge middle finger to everyone who thought they were decent at this game.

Kill the God of Death, save Milo, but not really, Allyse sacrifices herself to save him for good or something, and the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ WORLD RESETS.

OH MY GOD.

SO ALLYSE NO LONGER EVER EXISTED AND NEITHER DOES DRUID-MAN, YOU REJOIN THE COFFER CHASERS AND NO ONE REMEMBERS YOU OR KEAN OR MILO.

In summary? SEASON 2: ♥♥♥♥ YOU.

If you enjoyed this, there was the original guide:

https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=448809186

and if you want a guide to Season 2 Raids with the same horrible black humor, I did do this a while back:

https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=257268656

If you want Season 3, it's up

https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=694994983