Overview
Trackmania and all of its sequels sure are fun games, but what makes them so special? And even more importantly, how can I get the most out of what Top Gear Magazine named “The greatest game of the motorsports generation”? This guide aims to answer all your car based questions from Alfa Romeo to ZENN, so make sure to rate up, thumbs up and like this guide if you want to see more trips and tricks from Canada’s 5 time Nascar champion, ME!
I. Introduction
Get yourself strapped into your custom made double wide bucket seats, buckle up, bundle up and get ready to read some of the greatest knowledge available for aspiring car enthusiasts here on steam!
My name is EXtraDonut and I will be your spiritual advisor in this mystical journey that is this steam guide, a guide that transcends basic motorsports knowledge and propels you into a wonderful world, MY world of motorsports madness. I will teach you exactly why Europe cannot comprehend the sciences behind motorsports and why America has for years been sitting on top secret information regarding what makes Nascar so great.
But before I tell you any of that, I want to compare some of the world’s most popular cars from America vs Europe and pit them against each other in the game Trackmania, a game that you may or may not know has been named “the greatest game of the motorsports generation” by none other than Top Gear’s famous “The Sting”.
II. AMERICA vs THE WORLD(Europe)
First off we have the famous Chevrolet Camero vs the fancy Alfa Romeo 4C
The Camero
This car is the embodiment of everything great about American engineering. It’s muscular, it’s powerful, it roars down the road and makes all the beautiful ladies want you. The ultimate symbol of badass, driving this thing turns you into a sexual madman with the ability to pick up any women you want. If however you are a woman driving this car, it does nothing for you. I suggest purchasing a vehicle capable of performing motherly tasks, like a Ford Fiesta or a Ford Flex.
The 4C
If you fancy yourself a fan of flat cars, cars that actively repel women or cars that actively attract rather effeminate men you will definitely enjoy this European dazzler. Unfortunately, that’s all that it is, a showy car catered to a market of deviants and sexual predators.
THE CAMERO WINS
And now our second and final comparison: The powerful Ford F150 vs a Fiat
The F150
Some say that America was built on the back of a Ford F150, but I would dare say that the entire world was built on the back of one of these monstrous machines. It has completely wiped out the need for bulldozers, cranes, excavators and even large mining bores all because Henry Ford thought up of a really good truck, a truck to end all trucks. When I think about the Ford F150, I get really emotional and I often get tears in my eyes. It is a symbol of American patriotism and if all the Nascar cars could be replaced with Ford F150s I would celebrate until the day I die!
Fiat
Some say that you can judge a country based on the state of their pickup truck designs. Sad to say, Europe is so far behind in time that they haven’t yet invented pickup trucks yet, so the closest thing is the Fiat. The Fiat has a lot of room in the back, but it can’t fit what a F150 can fit nor can it stand the weight of anything heavier than a mildly obese child, who will most certainly be sitting in a Fiat because all mothers of obese children own Fiats in Europe.
THE F150 WINS
III. The History of Motorsports
What is Motorsports?
To first understand motorsports, we have to understand the inner workings of a car engine. It turns on, it drinks some gas and then it goes. When it goes, this is what motorsports is all about. Some of these engines are put onto bikes, some onto trucks, but more importantly they are fitted onto Nascars. Nascars are without a doubt the fastest cars on the planet, outperforming everything else including formula cars. When the first motorsports scientists in the 1950’s decided to test what was faster a formula car or a Nascar, they lined up their two test vehicles for a drag race. When the race started however, the Nascar went from 0 to 100 within a second and left a magnificent fireball in its wake, burning the F1 completely and disabling it from racing. Unfortunately they lost a formula driver that day, but luckily he was European and didn’t like Nascar.
Originally posted by Henry Ford:Manufacturing is more than just putting parts together. It’s coming up with ideas, testing principles and perfecting the engineering, as well as final assembly.
So in the 1960’s Europe decided that they should attempt to make a Nascar to rival that of the Americans, but unfortunately their capabilities as engineers are lacking and they only ended up making things like the Ferrari or the Lambogrini. Meanwhile in America new Nascars are being made like the Camero or the Mustang, further cementing in the idea that Europe can only make second rate cars. Enzo “Ferrari” Fierri thought that by weaving in deep eastern philosophies into his car designs, he could elevate them to a level of luxury far beyond that of American Nascars. And yes, they have done this! While Europe is full of weak cars incapable of outperforming an American model, they are stylish and wonderful to look at if you are a metrosexual with lots of money to spend.
Originally posted by Enzo Ferrari:One man’s ‘magic’ is another man’s engineering. ‘Supernatural’ is a null word.
And then came the first ever motorsports even in the 1970’s at the height of the cold war with America vs Europe. The Americans made a show of their strength by organizing the first Nascar race down at the Charlotte Speedway in North Carolina, bringing all of their best motor racers to the event to drive their brand new Nascars. The organizer of the event Dale Earnhardt Sr. also had the bright idea to cover the cars in advertisements for all of the most powerful American organizations, to show those communist Europeans that American capitalism is superior. Below is the only known footage left of this first race, showcasing the very first crash in Nascar history
Originally posted by Dale Earnhardt Sr.:Motor racing is like one big family, ultimately, and when you come back to it, that’s really what it feels like.
IV. Nascar’s Supremacy Over Motorsports
Now let’s go back to the modern era here, 2016. Nascar is more popular than ever and ever since the Europeans were humiliated back in the 1970’s with the first Nascar race, they’ve since scrambled to do SOMETHING with their fancy cars. One man whose name must not be spoken, decided to bring back the formula car but instead of their normal engine, they reverse engineered an American engine from one of their best Nascars and created a car capable of finally rivaling those in America.
So what do the Americans do? They wage war on the Europeans. As of January 25th 2016, America has sent over tens of billions of troops over to the desert shores of Europe to finally get rid of formula racing once and for all.
V. Final Words
I’m pleased to report that as of February 12th 2016, Europe has finally been defeated!
No longer must we fear the formula cars, Nascar will reign supreme for another 100 years. As for this game called Trackmania, a game called “the greatest game of the motorsports generation” by Top Gear’s own “The Sting”, it’s alright. I’ve played it for a couple of hours, but I’m disappointed by the over representation of communist cars like the formula, also the fact that right turns are present. Every one knows going left is the only sane way to drive a Nascar, you’re supposed to pool all of your blood over to the left side of your body so your left brain can think more better and therefore, make you a better racer.
When you turn right, this is what happens:
Thank you everyone for reading my guide, I hope I’ve shown you how to improve your racing speed, traction, tactics and K/D ratio and that in the future, you will remember the lessons you’ve read here and impart that knowledge to your kids. Farewell everyone!