10 Things New Players Need To Know In Final Fantasy XIV Because No One Else Will Tell You

1. Touch every crystal you see

Seriously.

You’ll think

I’ll come back later.

No the ♥♥♥♥ you won’t.

15 hours from now some useless NPC is gonna send you across the planet because his mate in another town forgot how basic communication works.

Now you’re paying half your gil budget because past you couldn’t be bothered walking 8 extra seconds.

2. Do your job quests

I mean it.

The amount of people running around level 50 with missing abilities is actually terrifying.

Game literally goes

Hey want skills?

And people somehow answer

Nah I’d rather fight God with 3 buttons and depression.

3. Buy cheap food

Doesn’t matter what it is.

Eggs. Bread. Random fish. Wet cabbage.

You get an XP buff just for eating. Apparently your character gains supernatural strength from having a healthier diet than the average MMO player surviving entirely on Monster and regret.

4. Unlock retainers immediately

Your inventory WILL turn into absolute ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nonsense.

You start the game with:

sword
potion
dignity

A few hours later you’re carrying:

48 fish
7 rocks
a chandelier
crafting ♥♥♥♥ you don’t understand
3 hats
a tiny gremlin
emotional damage

5. Use the recommended gear button

Because eventually you’ll realise you’ve been doing dungeons dressed like a homeless theatre teacher.

6. Turn down other players’ spell effects

At first the attacks look cool.

Later every fight becomes

Find the boss mechanic hidden underneath 900 explosions, dragon lasers and someone summoning the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sun.

You didn’t die because the mechanic was hard.
You died because your screen became a religious experience.

7. Unlock the challenge log

The game literally throws XP and money at you for accidentally participating in society.

You’ll complete half of it without trying because apparently breathing aggressively counts as content.

8. Do roulettes

Yeah sometimes the group will contain:

one guy completely lost
one guy ERPing in party chat
one healer having a mental breakdown
a tank built like confidence and bad decisions

But the XP is stupidly good so into the clown car we go.

9. Unlock flying ASAP

Before flying

Wow this world is beautiful.

After 4 hours

If I have to run around one more ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mountain I’m joining the empire.

10. Go to the Gold Saucer once

Just once.

That’s the trap.

Then suddenly it’s 3am and you’re gambling on bird races dressed like a bisexual vampire magician while the same music melts directly into your nervous system.

The Gold Saucer isn’t a location.
It’s a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ containment breach.

Have fun and remember........ every problem in this game can be solved with better drip.
I’m off to argue with a traffic cone.