Be me Kenshi

Be Me

Start Kenshi for the first time.

Excited. Heard it's a hardcore open-world RPG. I love games where survival is a challenge.

Create character.

Choose a random faction to join. Something about the Shek Kingdom appeals to me. They’re tough, right? How hard can it be?

Start in the middle of nowhere. Not even sure where I am. I think the map is just a bunch of randomly generated landscapes.

Begin walking aimlessly. Wander around like an idiot, not knowing what the hell I’m doing. It’s like the game is laughing at me already.

Spotted by a group of hungry bandits. They don't even wait for me to get comfortable before running toward me like a horde of locusts.

Attempt to run. I’m faster than them, right? I’m totally out of shape in real life but in Kenshi, I can sprint. I think?

Realize my character has no stamina. Who designed this game?! Why does every step feel like a marathon? At this rate, I’m going to trip and fall face-first into the dirt. Which, of course, I do.

Bandits catch up.

Get knocked out in 5 seconds. Not even a fight. No epic battle. Just a few kicks to the face and I’m unconscious. Dead on the spot. Game over. Welcome to Kenshi.

Wake up in a slave camp. For real. I’m in a cage, bruised, with no idea what happened. The bandits don’t even bother to explain. They just throw me in with a bunch of other prisoners who are probably in worse shape than I am.

Try to escape. Stealthily crawl my way out of the camp. This is a stealth mission, right? I’m a genius.

Get caught again. Apparently, crawling doesn't fool anyone, especially not the massive, armed guards.

Wake up again. Same cage. Same bruises. Same depressing music playing in the background. I haven't even left the starting area, and I’ve been knocked out more times than I can count.

Decide to start fresh. Okay, maybe I picked the wrong faction. Time to try again.

Pick another random faction. This time, let’s go with the Holy Nation. They seem... intimidating? Religious zealots, sure, but maybe I’ll learn something.

Immediately attacked by a group of hungry bandits. Seriously? Am I cursed? Are there even this many bandits in the world?

Try to flee into a desert. The desert’s a safe place, right? I’ll just run for it. No big deal.

Dehydration kicks in. In 20 minutes, I go from “almost safe” to “utterly exhausted and dying of thirst.” Why am I already dying? It’s like the game has a vendetta against me.

Get attacked by another bandit group. Who are these people? They can’t all be hungry. They look well-fed, and I’m just some guy trying to get away from my first five minutes of gameplay.

Get knocked out again. This time they steal my shoes. My shoes.

Wake up in the middle of the desert. No food. No water. No shoes. Just a guy who made a poor life choice by starting Kenshi.

Stumble across a town. There are people here! Hope. Maybe I can buy food? Or at least beg for some water.

Get attacked by a random dog. Why is everything in this game out to get me? How am I supposed to survive? Dogs, bandits, and the entire universe seem to have decided to ruin my life.

Finally make it into town. A vendor is standing right there. Surely he’ll sell me something. Maybe a bandage? Or some bread?

Try to buy something. I have 2 copper. The vendor’s prices are measured in thousands of dollars. I am a beggar in a capitalist dystopia.

Steal food. I know it's wrong, but at this point, my survival instincts have kicked in. I can’t even afford a bottle of water, let alone a warm meal.

Get caught stealing. Of course, I do. A guard appears out of nowhere and immediately attacks me. No trial. No conversation. Just “You’re a thief, now die!”

Try to fight back. Spoiler: I don’t even have a weapon. My character has fists and dreams, and neither of them are enough to deal with an armored guard.

Get knocked out again. It’s starting to feel like a bad Groundhog Day situation at this point. I can’t escape this cycle. I should've picked something easier, like Monopoly.

Waking up again. This time, I’m in a medical bed. At least I’ve been patched up, I guess. Could be worse.

But wait— I have no legs.

Am I a paraplegic now? Did I get hit that hard? I’m stuck in a bed. I’ve become Kenshi’s equivalent of a vegetable. I’m just lying here like a lump.

No. Not defeated yet. I will make it out. Maybe I can get help from other NPCs. Time to crawl around the town on my stumps.

Start crawling. My character’s entire existence now revolves around dragging himself across the ground at a snail’s pace.

Hours pass. I’m still crawling. I haven’t even gotten anywhere. This town is like a maze, and I’m still stuck at the entrance.

Finally get my legs back! After hours of crawling and failing, I’ve managed to get enough bandages to piece myself together. I’m whole again! But now I’m still broke and terrified of stepping foot outside.

Wander the world. At this point, I just walk around aimlessly, afraid to interact with anything. I’m exhausted. I just want to get a tiny bit of progress.

Get attacked by a giant spider. The only thing that could make this worse is the most horrifying, terrifying creature in the game. Why does the game hate me? Why is this happening?

Get my legs cut off again. And, once again, I’m dragged off to another slave camp.

Realize I’m just a pawn in the cruel world of Kenshi.

Embrace it. I’m not even mad anymore. It’s like I’m just living in a cruel joke. But hey, at least I'm still playing, right?

After 50 hours, I finally make it to a town with a decent stash of food and a proper weapon. I might not be the best warrior, but at least I’m not dying from starvation.

Get immediately ambushed by bandits.

Laugh maniacally.