The Queens guide to rulling the world

The first thing you want to do is make sure you come from a house with plenty of history and lots of money. Most of all, do not be those ghastly celts, or any other savage tribes. No, we are refinded rulers, and must chose as so. The Romans, Carthagians, even the Royan Scythians all have their merrits, but the one thing you must ensure your faction has in abundace: Money. Those castles don't clean themselves.

Whenever you start the game, whoever you may be, you want to focus on getting all said cash. Research economy, build industry and trade. The other tribes, while inferior in every way, will be dying to get their hands on our superior goods and will pay top knotch for them. Milk them dry until they are a desolate, barren wasteland, rather like Scotland, then invade with all your might. If needs be, loot their pathetic settlements to further fill the coffers.

Once you have a few settlements and quite a lot of dosh in the bank, start expanding the army. The army is your right hand, so make sure it's respectable and impeccably trained. Sadly, you will probably have to employ peasants to conquer the land, but never fear; with a strong leader and a few expert units leading them, the mindless animals will do your bidding. Research military and pour money into upgrading your units, until all factions tremble at your very name.

An important part that is oft overlooked is the politcal side of things. Do not let democracy take hold. Worst thing that can ever happen to a monarchy. You need to ensure that you have a firm grip on the country, and that the mindless peasants love you with all their hearts. If needs be, have the enemy killed. They'd do the same to you. Another thing; always keep it in the family. Don't go full on incestous, we don't want seven toes on one foot, but cousin to cousin is perfectly acceptable. We can't have common blood enter the family. Then we might as well defecate in the corner and watch endless re runs of Top Gear, like the rest of the population.

Now that we're entering the final stages of domination, you want to make friends to help you reach you goal. The sun shall never set on our empire, but that doesn't mean we have to conquer every single faction. Wars are expensive. Much better if we simply buy them off, or intimidate them into being our clients. Cheaper too. Once you have a few military alliances, declare war on the large factions and crush them with your new found allies. If your "friends" get too jumpy, crush them too. Remember; only the family can be trusted. Luckily for you, half the court is family because you were a strong believer in keeping the line pure, so we have many loyal commanders to secure victory.

Now that the other empires have been crushed, there are a few smaller clans between you and the world. Once they are dealth with, diplomaticaly or, my personal favourite, through use of the large hammer, you can take your place as rightful ruler of the world. There are a few things you need to be aware of to retain your power. Never trust the French. Don't take cheek from the Argentinians. Oppose democracy at all costs. Water down the blue blood every now and then with a common girl, but make sure she's pretty. We can't have ugly faced rulers adorning our coins. People would talk.

Thank you for reading my terribly insightful guide on world domination, and I hope you stay tuned for the next. Until next time.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A SOUND GUIDE FOR PLAYING ROME 2 YOU CAN TRY IF YOU WANT BUT I HAVENT ACTUALLY WON A VANILLA GAME SO WHAT DO I KNOW. ALSO THIS IS AN ATTEMPT AT HUMOUR EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT HILARIOUSLY FUNNY WELL I THINK IT IS BUT YOU MIGHTN'T EVEN THOUGH IT IS YOU'RE WRONG SO DON'T GET OFFENDED EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK I OFFENDED ANYONE BUT YOU NEVER KNOW ALSO IF YOU LIKED DO LET ME KNOW IT MEANS I WONT HAVE TO OPEN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE AND CRY IN THE DARK WHILE PLAYING PIANO.