HOW TO FOREVER LIVE AS A BITTER BASTARD

What's there to even talk about here?


Woke up, had food, went to bed, the end.



I talked to a few people today.

Since my therapist was concerned and "strongly recommended" that I consistently write in this damn thing, then I guess I'm stuck doing it.

I woke up, had some food, talked to an inmate about stuff, wandered around, and went to bed.

Today was a silly day. The only thing that makes it different from every other silly day is how everyone perceives it. Like a scapegoat.

What makes this day so different, why this day?

Just a stupid meaningless custom.

I got up, talked a bit with another fellow prisoner about some stuff.
He mentioned how another prisoner is leaving after their sentence ended today.

To who?
Who is waiting outside for some prisoner?
We are seen as the lowest of the low here, below even regular people.
Not me, though.
I'm higher. Much higher than the others.

It's nothing much. That conversation just ticked me a bit.

You're welcome, "Doctor."

My "therapist" is really starting to piss me off.
Keeps bugging me to write in this damn thing more.
He knows I'm intentionally being vague.

It's the same with him every week.
"Oh, so why'd you write this?"
"What does this mean?"
"Are you feeling okay?"

It's no wonder why I barely write here. It's just like an interrogation every week.
Everything he says is straight out of some brochure, it's all too dry to be written by a human.

Had a strange dream.
Some woman was very deep in the fog.
It was like she was looking down on me with disgust.
I tried reaching arms out but
she was too far to touch.

Weird dream. Woke me right up.

The "therapist" is gonna want to have a long talk about this one.
That's fine, I just need to remember this.

I've been thinking about that fog dream ever since.
He says it represents my guilt, that I want to seek forgiveness for what I did in Inaba.
I know what I did was "wrong", but that isn't why I'm here.
I only turned myself in because those brats got me fair-and-square.
That's it.

Good morning, USA.

Here I am, writing in my little school-girl diary again.
My "therapist" really gave me an earful.
He says that if I'm not going to write more consistently, then I should at least add more about myself whenever I do write.
Fine.

I was someone who easily got by in school.
I never really needed anyone, I always knew how to handle things with myself. I think it's a good skill to have to be more independent.
That's one of the things that makes me superior.
Yes, I always did feel slightly bad whenever I ate alone, but that's fine.
Everyone else was just a zombie.

Never volunteered.
Never went to clubs.
Nobody wanted to hang out with me.
I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things.
Not that it matters now, I knew I wouldn't stand out no matter how much I tried to set myself apart from the others.

I got older, and chose to become a cool detective.
In spite of my high grades in the police academy,
I was placed in some small, insignificant town called Inaba.

Thanks to my misplacement in Inaba, all of the days started melting together.
Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork.
Dojima pestered me.
No respect from anyone.
And nothing ever happened until I got bored and stirred the pot a bit.

Of course, I got caught, and sent to this prison.
Thanks to me, I made the town more interesting, but it basically cost me my life.
That's my story.

Does that satisfy you, "Doctor"?

It's Christmas.
Everyone seems to be having a good time.
They're all drinking, talking, stuff like that.
There's a christmas tree here, some little ornaments and lights are being hung everywhere.

Something feels off.
They're here in prison.
They're the lowest of the low, and yet they're smiling.

They even invited me along, and I accepted.
It was a bit nice.

I think I understand everything a bit more now.
It's all become a deeper shade of blue.
That's something those investigation team brats would eat up.
Maybe they were right.

He suggested I continue writing in here for myself.
Why not?
It's not like it's something to dispose of to avoid cringing at.

I've spent weeks writing in this as a habit after that push from my therapist, and for what?
There was nothing to learn.

I'll admit it is a good way to pass the time.
And you know, maybe I did learn something.
I refuse to say what it is, though.
It's for me only.

Still, it was all for nothing.
Felt nice, though

No, it didn't.

Maybe one day, I'll go see what's changed in Inaba for the first time in a while.
Can't wait for the parade to welcome me back, and the looks of those brats...
It would be so PERFECT!


((God, what a stupid thing to write... Whatever, I'm keepin' it.))