How to attack in dead cells

First off, you have to get up from your bed, and then head to your computer/laptop.
You're gonna want to get up early or you'll not have any time left, mother may spank you for staying up late and sleeping for most of the day.

I have a detailed guide on how you can defend yourself from your mom. (coming soon)

Now, you reach down with your hand, as you press the power button of the CPU. If you're using a laptop, (laptop gaming) simply press the power button on it's combined keyboard monstrosity. Seriously, who games on a laptop anyway? Says the laptop user who games on a macbook. (This idiot right here)

What you want to do now is to wait for the monitor to finally work, so that you can do something already. If you have a piss poor PC, or a bad laptop like I do, let's head to sub-step 3.
Sub-Step 3
If you've got a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ass rig, or not really an actual rig and it's just for art and ♥♥♥♥ haha funny apple,
what you wanna do is to kill some time first. So go grab a snack or something, open up your phone, I dunno.

Back to the usual schedule

Now, you should be able to see the accounts screen. Click on your account, and click on the password box. Slowly, and carefully type your password's characters one by one, do NOT make a single mistake because you will have to redo it all again.

You are then greeted by your desktop, hooray! We're close to the end, just a little more.
Remove any apps that open up on bootup (more apps open slows the process)
Then, click on the steam icon and wait for it to load.
You have now opened Steam!
If you're an insecure man/woman and don't want anyone to see your secrets, well you're in luck! More work for you because you have to input your steam account and password for each bootup!

Sub-Step 4
Since you're a scaredy cat like I am, now you face the downside of things. Carefully input your username, letter by letter, and do the same for the password. Once you've done that, then congrats!

Remove the advertisment popups, even if the discounts look so savory and sweet, we have not come to buy another game, so stay focused. What you want to do is to move your mouse to the top, and click on Library. Now, find dead cells on the sidebar and click on it. After that, click on the PLAY button and choose OpenGL if you've got a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ rig.

Almost there. Wait for the game to take it's sweet time to load.
Once it's open, click on Play and then click on normal mode. Wait for the game to load again, we're so close to the end. If your game suddenly crashes, open it up again and redo the steps. #ripbozo

Now, you can press the ESC button if you want to skip the cutscene. If you don't wanna, you do you I guess. Now, carefully press and hold the letter D on your keyboard, and stop at the bag. Press R to pick up the dosh from the last time you "tried." Now, press W or spacebar to get over the ledge and then press and hold D again to reach the door. Once you reach the door, you can either press CTRL to roll, so you can break the door, or be a gentleman and open the door with R. Press and hold D once more as you stop at the weapon. Pick the weapon up with R and simply press your attack button. Either it's left click or something else.

You have successfully attacked like a boss! I am so proud of you, I'm gonna ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kiss you because you're a madman and you finished this guide like a cool guy! Thank you for reading, and I hope it helps!

You attack the golem, and it kills you in one hit.
Body Desecrated!
You lost 100 cells.
Seems like you'll need more training, whoops...